This is no way to live.

[Wholebrainrewire]

I don’t know why I do the things I do but I need some serious help and I don’t know where to start.
I’ll start off by saying I was sexually abused as a child. It’s not an excuse it’s just a fact. I always pride myself on being a “strong” person and everyone in real life that knows me probably looks at me and thinks I’ve got it all on lockdown. When the reality is, it’s just not the case.
When I was 18 years old, I got a phone contact and an overdraft and store cards and I completely just fucked it off. I wasn’t bothered about paying them off. I guess I felt like the universe owed me
Something to make up for the piss poor childhood I had. Even though I had a job and could of paid. I didn’t. Which resulted in my parents bailing me out and I vowed never to get back into that position again.
This was at the same time I then met my EXdp and father to my DD (10) things moved pretty quickly and within 6 months we were living together as a couple at his parents house he was a lot older than me, and it quickly became apparent he himself had his own issues not just with Debts but drugs also all of which I swept under the carpet because I loved him, or maybe I needed to be loved I don’t know. We were together for 3 years before I fell pregnant with DD and we moved into our own home. Everything was going okay as far as I remember. It’s a bit blurry. He cheated on me a lot. He would get angry (never violent) if he didn’t get weed and when DD turned 2 he left me for OW. In a home I couldn’t afford and then the Debts started rolling in that he hadn’t been paying. Council tax, rent, utilities, phone contracts. All in my name.
EXDP then quit his job and it was all down to me to pay.
6 years Since then I had entered into another relationship where as for the first two years he relentlessly cheated on me. Again I forgave. But then came along the money issues. I stopped paying my own council tax. Took our phone contacts that I didn’t pay. Credit cards. Store cards. Stopped paying utilities. Again. I could of paid. I just didn’t . And I don’t know why.
When ever I get depressed or anxious I do really stupid impulsive things to try and make myself feel better. But in the end. I’m locked up in my house afraid to open my curtains in case the bailiffs come knocking and they know I’m at home.
I want to pay these things back. I want a new life one free of going round this endless circle of feel bad>spend>feel worse>spend.
I need to break the cycle. I just don’t know how. And I don’t know why i do the things I do.
I’m heading for rock bottom.

GP, financial advice (consolidate debts etc), counselling. In that order.

Just take some initial steps like make a GP appointment. And call one of those charities that help you manage finances. The rest will flow from there if you take the advice of the GP and charity (step change is one maybe?)

And none of this is your fault. You do the things you do due to shitty programmed behaviour and reactions to your environment.

Thank you for your reply. This is how bad it is. I moved hometowns 6 years ago and I haven’t even bothered to change my GP. I’m going to have to though. I just can’t stand another god knows how many years on this planet living like this.

That's ok OP. You just need a GP now so it's time to sign up. And you have already taken the first step here by sticking up your hand and saying you need help and things can't continue like this.

Make sure to ask your GP for counselling. It may take months to get your appointments started but it will be something in the diary to work towards.

Op you can totally deal with these things, one step at a time. Call Step Change the debt management charity, on 0800 138 1111, 8-8pm, they have trained advisors, they can go through all your debts and set up one affordable monthly payment that they send a bit of to all of them, you get a reference number so if any of the companies call you can give it to them. All the calls and worry will stop. DB did it and he is 50% towards paying them off.