I feel so low

[July56]

Today has been full of anxiety and I just feel so upset. I had breast cancer last year, it was dealt with very quickly but I’m devastated at the surgery I had and I just can’t get myself together again.
Going through it people were kind and supportive, good friends have listened after treatment when I was struggling but 18 months on there’s no one left I can talk to. Quite rightly they’ve moved on and don’t understand why I haven’t. On the odd occasion I’m asked how I am and I tell them they have no idea what to say to me anymore which just leaves me feeling worse.
I’m seeing a counsellor but the more we talk the more from my past comes up and the worse I feel. I’m beginning to understand why I’ve fallen apart but I’ve no idea how I can move on from it as I can’t change anything that’s happened.
I do everything that I’m supposed to, exercise, journaling, try to do things that I enjoy, keep busy but I’m so depressed I don’t care about any of it, it’s just stuff I do to make another day go by. I’ve had so much advice and suggestions how to help myself which I try to follow because if I don’t I’ll just be accused of not helping myself.
Until I can accept what’s happened I don’t think I’ll get over it and can’t see an end to how I feel. I just feel so sad & guilty, I wish it had never happened and guilty for not being able to move on when others aren’t so lucky.

What is your counsellor's input? Are you taking medication for depression? I'm so sorry OP. It seems your mind is really struggling to cope with everything that has happened to you. You have no reason whatsoever to feel guilty- at all. You have been ill. It has been devastating for you. What is your GP suggesting?

Also, the things you are doing are not potentially enough to help with your mental health issues. They are to boost mood/ self-help type stuff but will not magically sort everything and solve a case of depression. Anyone who tells you that you have had plenty of advice just doesn't understand mental illness. I think perhaps people aren't fully aware you are in crisis just now and are thinking you are just a 'bit low. '.

hi op, I'm so sorry your feeling this way. please don't give up hope and remember just because your feeling this way now doesn't mean you always will. someone in my life has been suffering from depression for about 3 years and it is only these past few months they are starting to feel better, are you on any medication as they was reluctant for the first 2 years but it has definitely helped them. i can only imagine how upsetting it is for something so big to happen and to just constantly wish it hadn't, i truly believe everything happens for a reason that we will probably never know but it has happened and it could of gone so differently and you have been given a second chance, please try really hard to focus on that. i don't know if you're religious but praying really helps even if things dont change much it can bring you a lot of peace, it can help you to come to terms with what has happened and to focus on the positives in your life. please remember god loves you and has given you a second chance because you are meant to be here, to live your life, to enjoy it and these negative thoughts do not come from him, pray to him to find some kind of peace, what have you got to lose? i truly hope it brings you peace in your thoughts and life xx and please really consider medication if your not already taking them or if you are you may need to get a higher dosage or a different kind. even if you don't pray i will be praying for you xx

also you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. please try to remember that a lot of your thoughts is the depression talking and that it is because of this that you are feeling this way and that it is because of this that you feel so guilty its a cycle of feeling bad then feeling guilty, please every single time you feel guilty remind yourself that you wouldn't normally feel this way and that it is because of your depression which is not in anyway your fault so therefore you have absolutely no reason to feel guilty as you cannot control your thoughts.

I’m not taking any AD as I’m on a hormone inhibitor that alters my mood. I’ve had to stop taking it for a month due to side effects and feel with AD I wouldn’t know whether how I felt was due to my mood or tablets. My GP agrees to wait for now.

Sometimes I feel the counselling is helping and other times I feel confused and lost. I think it’s a slow process going back over stuff that had happened in the past. There doesn’t seem to be any structure to it. From the outside I appear to be coping very well but on the inside I’m in turmoil. I do understand what I’ve had done is a lot to cope with but I just can’t seem to be able to accept that I had to go through that to get better.

Read this op
After the Treatment Finishes - Then What?
Dr Peter Harvey (google you will find it)

You are not alone

I wonder if you need a different type of therapy. Personally I found dredging up the past constantly (although it helps to understand why you might be struggling if you don't know) just made me feel worse. Understanding why is helpful but for me didn't make me feel better.

CBT for me was more like addressing the "how". How to change mindset and start to actually feel better.

You can understand how certain thought patterns leave you stuck.

One that jumps out from your post is wishing it never happened. That sounds like ruminating and is the type of thought that's not helpful in terms of your mood. It's something I have a tendency to do and have to watch for it and not respond emotionally to it.

Remember you don't have to respond emotionally to your thoughts, they are just thoughts. Easier said than done sometimes but I find it helps to remind myself of this.

You may not be ready for it for mindfulness based cognitive therapy also helps you work on both not responding to thoughts but also acceptance. MBCT usually can't be fine when you are in crisis though so maybe something to consider in the future.

There also something called acceptance and commitment therapy. I don't know a great deal about that but may be worth looking into to see if you think it might help.

If there trauma in your past also have a look into EMDR as a possible alternative.

Most importantly be kind to yourself. You have been through a traumatic event and 18 months isn't that long tbh to be back on your feet.

I really appreciate everyone taking the time to reply. @User258544 I have read that but don’t feel it relates anymore, it’s more for when you’ve just finished treatment. Being 18 months on I feel I should be past that now.
Thank you @MiniMum97 for your suggestions about counselling it’s given me a lot to think about. I have to say the thought of starting it all over again with someone different isn’t what I would want. I do think some of the ways I’ve dealt with things in the past has led to why I haven’t been able to cope through all of this. At one point it felt I was talking about so many different things i was struggling to understand where it was going but the last session did give some order. Thank you again for your help.

Just letting you know I've listened to what you've said. Could this be PTSD ?

I bet there are many others feeling the same way as you but they haven't felt they can talk about it yet, maybe you could inspire someone and give them the strength to get the help they need. Is there a support group ?

Time to try a fresh approach. Different therapy/therapist. Find something that actually works for you, it can take time to try different things out but you will know when you've found it.