Can I ask, do we actually NEED other people?

[bigworldsmallme]

Hello Mumsnet!

I hope someone wiser than me could help me try and figure something out about myself that I have always struggled with. And it's to do with friendships.

Do you believe that to live a fulfilling life, that you should aim to know/be surrounded by people?
That you should go out of your way to try and forge friendships?

I say this as someone who is in their late 20's and is becoming more and more turned off by interactions. It started with going out less to then ignoring people who I would have once classed as my best friends.

As life went on, and I grew out of being a teenager. I found that I didn't enjoy the activities of going out as much as I once did and started to avoid them. But that turned into all activities and then all people.

I would class myself as an introvert, happy by myself. But lately it's turned into something more mean. People at work really bother me and I find I'm easily upset when another is slightly mean or gives criticism. I'm starting to think I've become unsocialised and that it could be negatively effecting my life.

I understand that other people are apart of life, but I now get anxiety when I am invited out. When engaging in conversation I go over what I said after, looking for what I said wrong. I beat myself up ALOT if I say/do the wrong thing.

Should I try to forge friendships? Even if people seem to trigger this social anxiety and even if I do not feel lonely or feel like I am missing something. Or am I missing something and that's why I am now getting anxiety?

I'm sorry if this was a little heavy and I do appreciate anyone who takes the time to comment.

Thank you so much!

I understand that other people are apart of life, but I now get anxiety when I am invited out. When engaging in conversation I go over what I said after, looking for what I said wrong. I beat myself up ALOT if I say/do the wrong thing

I am like this. Every social interaction keeps me awake half the night wondering why did I have to say that?! I also no longer enjoy social interaction but this didn’t all start until my early 40’s.
I’m happiest at home and am perfectly happy in my own company. I’ve never ignored people I once classed as friends though. I do have a messenger thread with a couple of people on, we ‘chat’ every couple of weeks or so (although we only meet once a year these days) and it’s just general chat, I don’t have anyone close I could open up to really due to house moves/drifting apart.
However, I do have DH & teen and, at times they have been away and I have been totally alone, I have found myself feeling quite depressed so I suppose we do actually need other people even if happy in our own company.
It’s a lot harder to make friends when you older and I do see a long and lonely old age ahead if I get to retirement and still have no close friends. It’s true that the more you avoid situations the more anxious you become about them so I do think it would be worth forging friendships now, it could stop your social anxiety getting worse -and ending up like me!-and may even make it lessen over time.
What is it they say? Face the fear and do it anyway!

I think our twenties is a really valuable decade where we learn who we are. It involves extremes of behaviour - introversion and extroversion before we find the balance.

Perhaps you don't enjoy going out in the way you used to. If going out means going to bars or clubs and drinking too much while shouting over too loud music. Who would? But you might enjoy a Park Run or kayaking along the river or around the coast, or a game of tennis. Or singing in a choir, joining a book group etc. Maybe you are ready to be more selective (once lockdowns are over) and go out to do things that fulfil you. The friendships you make in shared experience are ime far more interesting and valuable than ones that revolve around just socialising.

It's fine to be introverted but having the skill to mix when needed is valuable and it's easy to lose it if you become too reclusive. So since you are a bit concerned, I'd say make some effort. Most people are kindly and mean well, I think. Having the occasional drink with co-workers or joining in a community campaign to clean up the area etc is easy and keeps you connected.

Thank you for all your responses! It's nice to know I am not alone in the way my brain works. Sometimes it has felt like I am the only anxious person in the world! Everyone else to me seems very in control.

I like the idea of different activities, I searched my local area for art classes last night after the suggestion and obvz lockdown has made that difficult, but I definitely will when this is over!

Sometimes I think I am too sensitive for the world. The people who I do come into contact with mainly tend to be negative, ie work. And i find it really draining. The thought of finding other people, maybe more like myself! Does make me want to give it a shot.

Thanks again and wishing everyone well!

I wonder this too. I have social anxiety and possibly ASD (lots of traits, have a parent and a child with it). I think I must miss a lot of social cues and unwritten rules but can only infer this. Anyway, I find socialising so difficult/stressful that I am happier just being a hermit. But i have a DH and DC, so I'm not totally alone. When I didn't have them (eg at university) I was very lonely. I did socialise a bit but only with various chemical assistances.

I have two very young daughters and find they give me everything I need. I am content with my life. And then I think about what will happen when they grow up and leave and wonder if I am creating a problem tomorrow.

I wish I could connect with people, but find I am just a bit different to others. I like games and books and painting. I don't particularly like sitting in pubs with bunches of girls who do nothing but slag each other off behind each other's backs. Makes me wonder what they are saying behind my back.

I know that seems a little mean and I am sure not everyone is like this! But in my experience, all my interactions are forced. I feel like I say yes to everything just because I fear upsetting someone with a no and then becoming that person they slag off.

It seems if I force myself and constantly say yes, then I become unhappy and more irritated by others. If I say no, I feel isolated and weird. There seems to be no happy medium.

I totally know what you mean about social anxiety. I go over what I've said a lot and miss lots of social cues I'm sure, I never know when it's my turn to speak so accidentally talk over people. It's tough! I hate sporadic plans and when people cancel plans at short notice. My son has social communication issues and probably my DF, I do wonder about myself. I have a DH who is my best friend, a DS, and a cat. I have several good friends, some from school and uni, and several good mum friends and a book club with friends. I don't go out much, even before covid19, but occasionally had date nights and girls nights out and book club. That's enough for me! I enjoy these events but they tire me out emotionally for ages afterwards. I am happy in my own company! I absolutely hate large parties and big gatherings etc. So no,you're not alone!

Why not do some research during lockdown? There are board game societies in some places, if you like games. Our village has a jigsaw club! I used to go to an art class and though it definitely wasn't my thing in terms of abilities, it was such a lovely, relaxed and happy atmosphere. No bitching, no complaining, just steady focus on the work and encouragement of each other. Same is true of Creative Writing classes.

I would love to do a creative writing class!! I think I hold myself back from doing things because I always feel I won't be able to break into an already established group. That I would always be that person on the outside and end up quitting out of a feeling of otherness. I looked into joining a netball club before any of this COVID situation, and that is the true reason I didn't see it through.

I tackle every other aspect of my life well! But friendships are my weakness. I try far to hard to be liked that I imagine it's pretty off putting and comes across very insincere. Then, when noticing just how much I do not fit in, I try to keep everyone as far away as I can. I do love skill building tho so that's a fab idea.

Thank you again for all your very kind and helpful comments!