ADs not working.

[wheresmyhairytoe]

How long do I give it for them to work.

I was on 50mg of Sertraline for 10 months then had a bit of a breakdown. Dose was upped to 100mg but still felt edgy and couldn't sleep so put on 15mg of mirtazapine.

I've been on this for 2 weeks but I feel worse. I had a couple of nights of good sleep but I'm back to wide awake in the night.

I was due back at work this week but that went wrong so signed off for another 2 weeks. I feel so anxious, everyone hates me (even though I know its not true), I want to be back at work but feel no one wants me there and can't see how I can get back.
I thought the longer I was off the worse it would be so really tried but hit total panic when I went in for a meeting.

I thought the medication would be working by now and I could get back to almost normal.

I'm a burden on everyone and utterly hate myself.

I even cut my arm the other day with scissors, not hard but enough to leave scratches. I keep digging my nails in my arms and leaving marks.

I feel trapped in my own head and just want to be better 😢

Anyone??

I'm not even worthy of an answer on an anonymous forum.

Please speak to your GP asap , and tell them how you are feeling.

You definitely are worthy of an answer on the forum but I've only just seen this. Please talk to your GP again. I know how you're feeling, I have been there fairly recently, and I self harm when it's really bad. It sounds like you need some talking therapy or counselling. Please be kind to yourself and spend time doing things you like, even if that is only aid in your favourite pyjamas watching rubbish on Tv.

Just to add, medication only treats the symptoms, talking through stuff with an expert will help you cope with the cause. Your GP should give you details of talking therapy access. Where I live it is possible to refer yourself through IAPT.

I can't contact GP today and don't know if I can wait till tomorrow when they open. I'm gutted I've woken up this morning. The only glimmer of hope I have is my family, I couldn't hurt them but then a voice tells me they'd be better off without me.

I've fucked up everything, my job has caused this and I've made it all worse by speaking out about it. How can I go back and face them? I don't want to quit as I love it just can't cope with the constant nit picking.

I'll never get a reference if I leave so feel like I've ruined my entire career.

Im having counselling already.

OP, Mirtazapine, like most antidepressants, takes at least 4 weeks to work. You are only at the 2 week mark, so there is definitely hope of improvement to come.
Also, antidepressants often make you feel worse before you start to feel better. I always knew patients were starting to improve when they got grumpy, irritable and complaining rather than withdrawn and silent, because antidepressants lift energy and motivation before they lift mood, meaning that you become more vocal about your unhappiness.
Please phone your GP on Monday and let them know you are struggling. I hope they will be able to encourage you to get through the next week or two in expectation of improvement. The fact that you’ve already had a couple of good nights’ sleep is a step in the right direction.
You seem to have good insight- you know that the negative thoughts of worthlessness or “people hating you” are not true, and just caused by the depressive process in your brain. It’s important to hold onto that reality, so you do not act on the depressive delusions by harming yourself.
Are you having any cognitive behavioural therapy? It can be helpful to break the cycle of depressive thoughts by challenging them, and by repeatedly reciting positive thoughts to replace them.
Try reciting a mantra such as “I am loved, I am worthy, I am capable” - repeat the sentence at least three times and do the mantra several times a day, whenever you have intrusive depressive thoughts of self harm or worthlessness.
Depression is a horrible illness to cope with, but you will come through it, OP. Even if your current combination of ADs didn’t work, there are other treatments such as ECT, which has an 83% success rate in severe depression. So please don’t give up. Give your medication a little more time to work.
Sending you a hug, and my best wishes that you soon see improvements in your mood, sleep and wellbeing.

@babdoc that helps a little thankyou.

I've not felt irritation or grumpiness for months but this week I keep getting angry and snapping at everyone. I've thought it was just because I'm a bad person so will cling on to that.

I feel a fraud to be honest, I have a beautiful family, what the fuck do I have to be depressed about? So many friends and even people I don't know well have reached out telling me why I'm important yet the negative voice is still louder.

I don't want to die but I want this voice to stop.

Depression is due to a problem in the amygdala in your brain, OP.
It has nothing to do with normal responses to adverse life events - so nobody can say “What the fuck do you have to be depressed about”.
You could be a beautiful billionaire with perfect physical health and an adoring family, and still fall ill with depression! This is why it’s important for you to keep hold of reality- that you are a valuable, lovable, worthwhile person - and recognise that the negative thoughts are just a malfunction in the deep part of your brain. It’s the primitive area that deals with fear, disgust, fight or flight responses to danger etc. When it is overactive, or gets too much bandwidth to transmit through to your cortex (the logical rational part of your brain), then you see everything in negative terms - the world is doomed and dangerous, everyone hates me, etc.
Antidepressants help by slowly increasing your serotonin level - the “happiness chemical” in your brain, and by making your rational brain less responsive to all the negativity spewing up from the depths.
I hope that knowing what is going on in your brain will help you to see it as just an illness - no different to having asthma in your lungs, for example. Nobody tells them “You have nothing to be asthmatic about!”
Keep on trucking, OP, one day at a time, and look forward to the day your depression lifts. And I’m delighted by your snappy grumpiness - as I said in my previous post, it’s an excellent sign!
One of my patients called me a patronising bugger once - and I was v chuffed, as he’d been mute and suicidal up to then! He went on to make a good recovery. As I expect and hope that you will too.

I so desperately want to get back to work but everytime I think of it I panic.

I love my job so much, I work with children, but after complaining about my boss and her handling of the situation I can't see how I can face her again. That thought breaks my heart though. I've another meeting in 2 weeks but don't know if I'll be better by then.

Try not to worry too much in advance, especially when you are still too ill to be able to view your job objectively. At present, you are seeing your dispute at work as a major issue - your depression will be telling you a very lopsided narrative about it.
I expect your amygdala is saying: “OMG, your boss hates you, you’re the worst employee ever, nobody has ever said anything so terrible to her, you’ll never be able to sort it out, you’d better go and eat worms...!” or something along those lines. NONE of it true or rational.
Your GP will not sign you off as fit for work until your depression has lifted, and your thoughts are calm and rational again. When that happens, you will be stronger and able to tackle things with your boss logically, apologise if necessary, explain that your illness was affecting your behaviour before, and then put the problem behind you and get on with your job.

If you cannot postpone the meeting due in 2 weeks, I strongly advise that you take an advocate in with you - perhaps your union rep- to support you emotionally and to take notes and talk it through with you afterwards, as you may recall it inaccurately through the filter of your depression.
Don’t let the anxiety and depression build up a huge fear out of what is probably not nearly as bad as you think. Most work issues can be resolved, and I’m sure most people have annoyed their boss at least once and survived in the job!

For now, just focus on basic self care - regular meals, sleep, and some treats, whether that’s chocolate, a favourite tv show, a nice soak in the bath, an absorbing book - anything that is comforting and takes your mind off fretting.

That is exactly what is going through my head, constantly.