I’m really struggling with doing better

[wombatsandaplant]

2-3 years ago I basically slowly fell apart, no breakdown as such but I slowly got to a point where I couldn’t function. I was very ill for the next year and a half then slowly the meds started working and I’m now at a point where I can semi function. I’m doing okay I guess but I appear to be functioning much better on the outside than I actually am. But anyhow that’s the very brief background.

I’m really struggling doing okay. I just so badly want to go back to being ill, even though it was fucking awful. I feel like that was more comfortable, I feel like at the moment I’m balancing on a knifes edge. Tbh I don’t even feel like I’m doing okay. I’m barely there but ultimately I’m doing better than I was. And I feel so guilty for doing better than I was. I feel like I should just have successfully killed my self the various times I tried. Rather than being here.

I feel like I’m falling. I’m barely even trying to stay well. I keep missing meds and I’m starting to self harm again. My head is so noisy with voices. I’m doing a hnd college course At the moment which I like. but I’m just struggling with Everything. My house is an absolute tip and I just have no energy and motivation to tidy it up.

I don’t really know what I’m trying to say but I just wanted to write it all down.

Hi op, I think you need to speak to your GP. Re. Meds set an alarm, several alarms, do it now so you don't forget.

It’s nice to hear from you again. I’m glad things are a bit better. (A college course! That’s great!)

Please let your doctor know you’re struggling.

I agree with the other posters: do you think you could speak to your GP or someone else who could help you. It seems like you are having to put a huge amount of effort in to be 'okay' and to hold everything together- that sounds exhausting. 😢. I really hope you can get some help.

It's great that you are doing an hnd course. That's a real positive. The whole covid situation is so difficult too.
I really hope things improve for you soon. 💐

Thanks guys.

I have alarms for my meds but it only sometimes works. I hate my phone off silent so it doesn’t make a noise. I always take one med mainly because it helps me sleep. I try to take the others but it’s difficult.

My dads partner is going to phone my psychiatrist for me to try and get an earlier appointment.

That’s good that your Dads partner will phone for you. I hope you can get an earlier appointment.

💐💐