having a week off work made me realise i'm probably depressed

[jasminepeony]

Last week I booked a week off work with my partner. We weren't able to do much because, well, pandemic, but I thought i'd really appreciate the time to relax, watch movies, spend quality time together etc. I even made myself give up social media etc for the week.

Only I couldn't stop crying for the majority of the time off. I felt gloomy and numb and distant, and barely spoke. It turns out without the distractions of work and the daily routine, I just don't know what to do with myself. I didn't really enjoy any of the planned activities we had and it made me realise that I'm not able to just 'be' and relax. I always need a distraction or an event to go to.

Now I'm back home, back working and I feel a bit better. I've realised it's not so bad dealing with this on my own because I tend to just zone out and watch youtube or play on my phone, but last week I realised how much harder it is to be depressed around someone that loves you. I felt so guilty for being so numb and spoiling his week off. He assured me that it wasn't a problem and has now encouraged me to see a GP. I think maybe I need to try antidepressants for a while but I'm worried they're going to make me more numb?

You sound exhausted. If you need routine and YouTube right now, that’s ok, give yourself permission to need that. It’s a tough time.

Things to consider:

Talk therapy, this can be life changing.

Exercise, sleep, diet, meditation.

And self compassion. You’re not doing anything wrong, just feeling how you feel. Be very kind to yourself.

Thanks for your advice and encouragement @AtrociousCircumstance. I did actually have talk therapy a couple of months ago and it did help somewhat, but I think I'm realising I need a more long-term solution (e.g. medication) as my depression seems to come in waves. I'll always go to therapy and then come out feeling better, but then it seems to come back a couple of months later. I just struggle with every day life a lot and feel really aimless and bored when I'm left to my own devices. I feel so unmotivated like there's a black cloud over my brain most days, unless there's someone or something pushing me to get things done.

Sounds a good idea to talk to your GP. I haven't tried meds but have lots of friends who have. Positive stories - and the only one who reports a numb feeling is on a cocktail of drugs. A chat with the GP sounds a good place to start. Good luck :-)