Am I a heartless cow?

[137wallis]

hi I'm a reletive new comer to mumsnet, but just wondered if anyone else feels differently to any of their children? let me explain although this might take some time, sorry, I have 5 children aged between 9 and 5 months I think I've had pnd since my first was born, I had a really bad experience with my 2nd and 3rd due to taking seroxat, and I now don't feel the same towards them as I do my other boys, don't get me wrong I love them but I feel so guilty as I dont love them like the other 3 iyswim?? I am constantly battleing with them about every thing, but i'm not sure if I'm being to hard on them but they are such hard work, my hubbie works really long hours so isn't around much, but I don't feel like I can talk to family or friends about this as I don't want my kids to find out its how I feel, please tell me I'm not a heartless cow or that I am if thats what it sounds like! if you've got to the end of this thanks for reading!!

i didn't like my daughter ( althogh i loved her) becuase she screamed and cried for the first 12 years (it seemed) a more miserable kid i've rarely met. then suddenly she turned into a wonderful teenager ( usually an oxymoron)

but i had to try with her and ididn't with my boys - but i did try. i made an effort - just makig the effort felt wrong - felt like i shouldnt have to - but i did. made the effort in letting her brush my long hair ( i hate others doing that) and doing hairstyles, making xmas decs, drawing helping with homework etc. just had to try.

so no your not heartless - i think for some of us with some kids it just takes extra special effort.

thanks custenstien, I am trying but I like you dont really feel like trying as they are such hard work! just having a really bad day I think, trying not to lose it and be a jibbering wreck when my hubbie gets home!lol

Well for a start it sounds like you have a load on your plate, so ease off on yourself a bit. 5 kids and quite close, and a dh out most of time. I only have 3 and find it tough enough.

I know what you mean - I had a very difficult time with my 1st for different reasons. I find him the most difficult - we clash on lots of things - I loose it more easily with him - I often wonder if its actually because he is quite similar to me. I have to make a real effort with him, which does feel odd.

I don't think you're alone. I hope you get some sort of help. Do you get some outside help?

Thank god someone else feels like this! I have to really try hard with my eldest dd to the point that I sometims feel I'm only tolerating her rather than loving her,my youngest is just so easy to love unfortunately I overcompensate with dd1 making her a bit spoilt which in turn makes her harder to like!

I have alot of troubl with dd1. I also feel I am just tolerating her rather than loving her
I am releived to find I'm not the only one but have no idea what to do

I had my first counselling session today and it was such a relief to tell him about this and for him to not even flinch let alone throw me out of his office!

Thanks to you all, I do feel like i'm just tolerating them but particully my 7 yr old, he has my firey temperament! and has been in loads of trouble at school I just don't know what to do to make it any better, my doctor and hv both want me to go back on antid's but after seroxat made me feel so bad I really don't want to go there but they don't offer anything else, how did you get councelling? The eldest and younger 2 are fine and I dont know why I feel like this with the middle 2!? but then I feel even more guilty as I find it really hard to treat them all the same.

I am on citalopram and it's working great, my GP offered the counselling sessions but I only get 6 so I hope that's enough!

You're not heartless. If you were making your feeling clear and neglecting them you would be.

I struggle with one of my DC's. It's not that I don't love that child - and sometimes I'm overwhelmed with how wonderful she is - but I don't feel the same rush of love for her that I do for the other 2. I have to work at it. Funnily enough I was also on Seroxat for PND after that child was born and it seemed to mark a change - I'd never put 2 and 2 together before but was aware that I seemed to have slept (emotionally) through a lot of her toddlerhood. Interesting...

I hope the councelling works, perhaps its a postcode thing, they assured me that seroxat was safe then I tried to kill myself and they said that it was to do with pills and then they recalled them,so thats why I'm lothe to trust them on the safety of any antidepressants,and I dont want to end up in the same place with my youngest 2 iyswim

they made me feel like I slept through the boys baby and toddlerhood too, i'm so glad I posted now, perhaps i'm not such a freak after all!

You really should push for some kind of counselling if things have got that bad, anti depressants can work wonders bt sometimes you need a combination of thngs. I hope yu get someting sorted soon and just remmeber that there are other mums out therewho feel the same.

thanks wildwoman, just wish there was a magic wand sometimes!!

137 - I think I should thank you for bringing this up. I don't know why it never occurred to me that seroxat might have have something to do with it. It made me feel so bad in other ways. It really was a lightbulb moment when you mentioned seroxat.

Me too, I really thought it was just me, I didn't know how much was down to depression and how much seroxat but I haven't felt like it since I stopped taking it, and feel really different about my youngest 2 even though still have depression, so can only assume it was the pills, hence my reluctance to try other ad's I am soo glad you replied, I at least feel theres other not quite normal peeps out there (no offence!!) Thanks