I don't know what's wrong with me

[Subeccoo]

Background - happy marriage, bit bumpy with stepkids over the years but all in all good.
3 dc of my own, one gc who is 16 months old.
Last December my mum died, my world was destroyed. It was sudden and a shock.
Enter coronavirus.
Life returning to normal a bit, dd broke up with her bf and is raising little one alone although dad is on the scene and helps loads.
I wake up every day and cry. Today has been awful and I'm now sitting in my car before work crying again.
Dh is making dinner for tonight and the kitchen is a mess. I know he'll clean it but the thought that he wouldn't started to drive me crazy, not that I said that to him but just the thought of coming home after work to a mess.
I've become obsessed by controlling stuff, even the dinner he's cooking I'm interfering, asking why he's doing whatever.
I'm the same with my children, telling them what they should and shouldn't do (they are too old for this).
My dad is on his own now and I find him so difficult. I'm not always the nicest to him because he's so frustrating but I really try. I do so much for him by way of cooking, keeping him company, taking him out etc.
I'm basically miserable, but other than the obvious stuff I don't know why.
I am capable of being nice and enjoying myself but it seems so bleak.
I feel like I'm walking around under a black cloud and I don't know what to do about it.
Can anyone relate, I feel like I'm going mad.

I think you might need to see your gp. With all thats happened to you recently it sounds like you're experiencing some depression and anxiety, which is normal and understandable, and manageable. Depression and anxiety often go hand in hand. But there is help available. For some people just talking about it helps, for others, alone time, self care, exercise, fresh air, hobby time. Some people need therapy, some use medication with great success (I'm on antidepressants for pnd and find them effective).

My experience of depression and anxiety was a feeling of black weight over me, no tolerance for anything stressful, poor sleep, and no grip on my temper. I was just incredibly tired and tense too. But I also had no idea there was anything wrong, it just felt like this was my 'normal' until the antidepressants kicked in. They've made a world of difference for me. So please speak to your gp, and be very honest, don't minimise, talk about your worst days, not your best ones.

If it's possible see your GP, lots of your symptoms point to depression. You possibly need antidepressants or some sort of therapy.

It's coming up to the anniversary of your mums death, your world fell apart around about this time last year, then Coronavirus, it's been a lousy year for you, get yourself some help.

Thanks you are both right.
With another lockdown impending I need to take some care of myself, and I do, I have me time and hobbies and friends but obviously my mental health has taken a battering and I've let it happen.
I will go on my day off in the week, I can't go on feeling like this, it's not fair on my family

I'm thinking peri-menopause. It can cause absolute chaos, emotionally and physically. It will also make any stress 100x worse. Anxiety can rage out of control, you can become an emotional basket case. It's awful.

i.stuff.co.nz/life-style/well-good/teach-me/113666670/perimenopause-lead-up-to-menopause-very-uncomfortable-and-poorly-understood

Aqua, I will read that. I assumed at 41 it would be nothing of the sort but tbh it would be a relief to find I'm not just going to be like this forever

My peri started at 40, and even then it's not "too young." Peri can last for over a decade before full menopause starts.

Jesus that's something to think about.
We've now got lockdown to factor in to all of this.
Not to drip feed but dd and dgd live with my dad. Which works for all of us.
But dd says she will not cope wfh with 1 year old and dad, like I said before he is very difficult.
I have the luxury of living with them if I choose (adult kids and understanding dh at home) so I can help with 1 yo and more to the point my dad. I can't fathom not seeing dgd for a month, hurts my heart, I know many many people are in that position, I did it during first lockdown but obvs she was a little baby then.
I don't know what to do, it's just adding to the doom today.