Anxious 5 year old DD

[LeonoraFlorence]

Hi

My daughter has always been quite sensitive, cautious and a bit of a worrier I suppose. She’s very much been used to being with family. She is also very chatty, clever, active, happy, keen to do new things. She has started school and loves it. However, she is so anxious underneath. On the surface she loves school, has friends, likes her teacher, can easily do the work but she has been having really severe tics at home since she started. It feels like she is masking it though as feedback from school is she is very confident and happy, always first to want to do things and help and answer questions etc. She’s desperate to please and terrified of getting things wrong. She’s a rule follower and would never do anything ‘wrong’ on purpose. She worries if others aren’t following the rules. She is a perfectionist and I think that’s the problem. We have always been very gentle parents and she’s really never been any bother at home, so she’s never really been ‘in trouble’. I’ve spoken to her about her worries of course and she will say she loves school. When I dig deeper she says she’s scared of losing golden time or the likes.
It breaks my heart to think of her sitting there covering up how anxious she is to the point nobody has any idea 😢
Does anyone else have a child like this?

Yes! This could be my daughter. Very bright but very scared of getting into trouble or getting things wrong. We also parent gently and work hard with growth mindset (my husband is a teacher so we know it from his job and it fits beautifully with how we want to parent) but we still have a child who is scared of taking risks, gets very upset when she makes a mistake and who is now starting to not want to read because it's getting harder. She's stated amazingly with her reading. It just seemed to click but now she is being challenged she is starting to be reluctant to try.

Just to add, my daughter is so like me. It makes me wonder if some if this is more genetic than I hoped. I desperately don't want her to grow up with the same sense of anxiety or fear of failure that I have. Which I think is why we have tried so hard to think about the language we have used since the very beginning. I sometimes feel truly sad that she is as anxious as she is. But then I also kind of think maybe I am the best person to teach her the skills to navigate her way through it. Your little one sounds so like me and my daughter. I used to cry when I came home from school if the teacher has had to get angry with anyone. A look from a teacher once was enough to make me feel so ashamed of myself.

Thanks for replying. Your post rings so true. Sadly, she reminds me of myself in a lot of ways too and like you, I tried so hard from the start to avoid it. Using all the right language, doing all the right things. I fear it is genetic. Her dad isn’t like me, though she looks more like him so maybe that’s his share! I used to have a sore tummy going to school each day, I wouldn’t be confident enough to put my hand up even though I always knew the answer. She isn’t like that in that sense but it all sort of ties in. Just makes me so sad to think about it.
Thanks for replying, I feel less alone. I bet our DDs would get on well .

I was a little like that.

Having the rules explained, being told what to expect or how to approach things was helpful, not excessively but just before doing something, helped. I think there are some good worry books on Amazon for kids.

I don't know if you're still here but just stumbled across this searching and wondered how your daughters are doing now? Mine is very similar, right down to how much masking is done so nursery can't see as well the toll it takes. If you've any advice from the last couple of years would be so appreciated! Hope both girls are doing well.