Horrible thoughts at night have me in tears.

[MamaJBW]

Hey everyone, hope you’re doing well I just wanted to know if anyone else has these awful thoughts. Basically I’m lying in bed sobbing, my wee boys nearly 4 and has come through to my bed after a bad dream. My husband and I sleep in separate rooms just as I like different sleeping conditions than him and he also thinks he’s an MMA fighter in his sleep. I was just sitting thinking what would happen if I died in my sleep? My husband wouldn’t come through to check on me and my boy would be left trying to wake me up and cuddle me until his daddy finished work at the end of the day. I’m actually sobbing writing this at the thought of him. I can’t get this thought out of my head and I can’t sleep or stop thinking about it. I’m 25 years old and my boy is my absolute world and he’s such a mummy’s boy. I hate this dark horrible thought but I can’t get rid of it as it’s always a possibility. I’ve even messaged my mum and hubby just to see if it would prompt him to start checking and then my mum would come to the house for a certain time so he wouldn’t be left alone.... I don’t know how to stop thinking about this and I’ve no idea why I am as I’ve not been diagnosed with any life threatening health conditions. Thank you for reading signed one worried and exhausted mumma. 💕💕💕💕

This is anxiety speaking, op. It makes you have horrible, and often ridiculous, intrusive thoughts. Try not to worry because anxiety is nothing to be afraid of, you just need to find ways to manage it. Are you getting enough exercise?

could you put contingency plans in place, so you could at least feel that you have done everything to deal with such a scenario.
eg if you get on well with your mother, have an agreement that you will ring/ text/ message one another, and reply even if only to acknowledge, say by 12 noon each day.
would your son be able to ring your mum. is she on speed dial.
even if not yet, he may be able to learn this soon. and talk about when to do it. maybe do some role-play practice.
it's natural to be anxious at times like this.
just do your best to get through it. one step at a time.
all the best.

Yes, I think so. I walk back from the nursery after dropping my son off and then walk to the nursery when collecting him and also walk the dog during nursery hours. I’ve had anxiety for years but it’s never caused these kind of horrific thoughts xx thank you for replying xx

What a kind and lovely mum these concerns show you to be.
Yes I have these kind of worries at night sometimes, I used to wake most nights with my heart racing until I started taking sertraline which has helped me a lot. Now it's more like once a week and less intense. One thing that sometimes helps is grounding activities there are all different things you can try which bring you in to the moment and out of the worries more xx

It sounds like you're having intrusive thoughts, which is a symptom of anxiety where you can't shake these thoughts even though the rational part of your brain knows the truth that the likelihood of you dying in your sleep is VERY low as a healthy person. Clearly anxiety can be extremely debilitating and seriously upsetting. The good news is that although people experience anxiety in many different ways, it is common and GPs are able to prescribe medication to help. Also, speaking to a mental health professional would be really beneficial here in my opinion. I wonder if you have any other symptoms of anxiety... many people don't realise some of these things are actually red flags...have a look here: (best of luck!)
https://www.nhs.uk/oneyou/every-mind-matters/anxiety/?gclid=Cj0KCQjwit8BRCoARIsAIx3Rj76lUzTcf7-t75-svT8RVnwwHTo3DIIBITtlHZbRI9SBiyUze8RyGYaAoEALww_wcB

I also just want to add that it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job of looking after your little one! You are doing great mama, and you are also doing the best thing for him and you by looking after your mental health ❤️

I’m so glad I’ve put this on here as I’ve had some lovely replies. Thank you for making me feel validated and not crazy. I feel like I’m failing my son most days but then again he wouldn’t want to be close to me so much if I was 💙

I actually found out this catastrophising is really common after opening up to friends many years ago. Turns out quite a few of them had had periods of horrible, intrusive thoughts about tragedy involving their children. It wasn't just me being nuts.
In my case I have a long history of mental illness but absolutely none of my friends did.
I think it can be caused by being simply overwhelmed and all your anxiety and tiredness tumbling out.
Be kind to yourself and look into counselling if it's really troubling you. You are not unusual in experiencing this.

Intrusive thoughts as others have mentioned aren't actually that unusual although they are very unpleasant.
I would contact your GP as they can often be addressed through CBT without too much difficulty.
You are doing a great job with your son don't worry about that.

As the first step in managing these intrusive thoughts, perhaps you should try writing about how you're feeling in a journal when the thoughts are happening. Even short entries can help. Them write about good things that happened that day, things you're thankful for, etc. This is simply a way to direct your mind onto positive things.

Also, please talk to your husband. Tell him how you're feeling and allow him to be your ally. There is no shame in what you are going through.

My last bit of advice is to buy a digital copy of "Dare: The New Way to End Anxiety and Stop Panic Attacks Fast" by Barry McDonagh from Amazon. It is an amazing book and really helps you to understand where anxiety comes from and why there is no reason to fear it. It has helped me immensely.

You've got this, op.

Just to add...

You are not crazy. You are not broken or alone. What you are experiencing is very, very common.

You are all such angels for taking the time to help me 💙 I’ll definitely grab a copy of that book and will phone the gp as soon as it opens. Still haven’t managed to switch off yet but slowly getting there xx

Yes I was the same. Shivering with terror. It's also like a kind of PTSD from the shock of giving birth, I think.

Would it really not help if you were snuggled up to your oblivious, completely unafraid husband? That helped me a lot. Xx

I am glad to read the replies above, I'm another saying intrusive thoughts are quite common. Read up on them and get help if you can't calm them down through self help