PTSD guilt

[Ilovetogarden1]

I feel really frustrated with my PTSD. I went through a really difficult two years, about 10 years back. I had buried it all and only started dealing with it properly a year ago. Since then I have started therapy, been diagnosed with PTSD, grown my support network, learnt so much about my dissociation and PTSD to help educate myself etc etc.

However I can’t shake the feeling of guilt and frustration. It was a long time ago and so many people are going through so much right now. People are ill and dying, losing jobs, aren’t able to feed their kids, living in poverty, living in abusive situations right now etc, yet Im struggling with something (yes horrific at the time) that happened 10 years back.

My life is now comfortable and a lot of people would want to lead the life I do. I have lots of supportive people around me, a job I enjoy, money for what I need etc.

But, I struggle daily with my PTSD. I barely sleep, my nightmares are terrible, I over or under eat, self harm and generally struggle to get through some days.

I’m dealing with all the above as best as I can and I am making progress, but why do I feel so bad for not being able to get over this and move on.?

I totally understand. I have/had PTSD from a single traumatic incident about 10 years ago too. It frustrates me so much that one incident has defined so much of the following years. For me, it has helped understanding some of the science behind PTSD so I know that it's not that I'm dwelling on something, it's that the memories are all stored in the wrong place and my brain needs to be reprogrammed. Seeing it as something that's broken - not in the metaphorical sense really but in the literal sense - has made me come to terms with it.

The way I can deal with mine (traumatic surgery) 4 years ago is to revisit it at annual intervals and reflect on how I feel about it now, what I have learned since.

The other stuff for me, poor sleep, being up and down in weight, I try and deal with as separate things.

It helps that I have to have an annual hospital checkup, although I suspect I have still been hiding from some of the trauma (allowing my world to shrink).

I expect some of the frustration is because none of us can move on right now. I regret not having made more of the last 4 years when we did have freedom. I don't feel guilty but then I am staying off social media. My tuppence is that a small amount of regret is ok, it motivates me to say ok right lets challenge myself (for me, that is challenging myself to think differently about my life here and now). I have never had trauma therapy but I think I am nearing this point. A small amount of discomfort, guilt, whatever is ok, if its saying ok lets try and focus on the positives, keep a daily gratitude practise, but honestly there is no pressure for you to be anywhere other than here and where you are right now in your journey.