I can see very little in my future other than a breakdown.

[Reesewitherknife]

I know I sound like a drama queen but the title is exactly how I feel right now.
I have suffered with anxiety for about 20 years but have managed to limp along with counselling.
The last 3 year have been quite stressful. At 12, my son developed school refusal (he didn’t transition to secondary school well at all) and we had many tense, stressful mornings with him refusing point back to go (school of little help and neither was DH) but I got him some counselling and he has made some progress but at 15 he can still be hard work at times. This all ramped up my anxiety to another level which has never come down.
Then my mum got diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. I’m very close to my parents and see them most days. It’s so hard seeing her deteriorate and 3 years later things are tough, my dad does not cope with her and I am currently in the process of trying to get Attendance Allowance for her (been turned down twice already) so I can give up my job and help look after her (tbh I dont really look forward to this but I have to).
Then my mother in law got diagnosed with a bowel tumour.
All stressful situations but like many of us I just live with these things however this year with Covid, again like many of us it has hit me very, very hard (I have felt like shit most of this year).
My anxiety has gone into turbo mode and is making all of my physical symptoms so much worse. I am 47 and probably perimenopausal (although gp says no) which doesn’t help. I have also had 20 years of IBS which has been just awful the last couple of years and completely controls my life (had endless tests nothing found).
But this year has been truly awful. I check in each morning on a 90 year old neighbour (and walk her dog). She has no one and is very depressed so I can’t give up on her. I also work part time for a disabled lady (physical but no learning difficulties), My job is to drive her to her day centre and to cut a long story short she has been bloody horrible to me the last few weeks, moaning at me and giving me the cold shoulder on our journeys because we have to adhere to government guidelines with driving in a car together and she doesn’t like any of it.
I have also just lost my mother in law, her death was horrendous and I sat with her body for over an hour when she passed, it felt the right thing to do at the time but now is haunting me a bit. I miss her and can’t believe she has gone but I feel people (especially my employer!) thinks I should have gotten over mourning her as she was my MIL but she was in my life for 30 years she was my second mum.
I see nothing but bleakness ahead. My physical health feels awful (I am also very anaemic due to horrendous periods), my daily IBS/digestive issues really cause me extra anxiety and my life these days is just looking after everyone else. If I carry on like this, as an anxiety sufferer I can see nothing but a breakdown looming ahead. I don’t know what to do.

Please please make time for you, some time when you focus on what you want and what will help you some days all I want is a couple hours more sleep others I want to go out but it's important to have time for yourself to focus on your needs. Your year sounds very tough and I know it has been for everyone but that doesn't mean your not allowed to be struggling.

I'm sorry this sounds so stressful. It does sound like if you can get attendance allowance and stop working it will make things easier.

What about applying for some bereavemenr counselling? And making a GP appointment to get some Ferrous Fumarate for anemia. Re. IBS has anything helped? I used the Monash Fodmap App which helped and bought some digestive enzymes which help the gut absorb nutrients from food. Maybe a good perimenopausal vitamin?

Also be kind to yourself

You need to try and see if there's a menopause specialist doctor at your practice and see them. I was anemic with heavy periods and doc suggested a mirena coil and oestrogen gel and I feel much better. With everything else you gave going on I am not surprised you are struggling but you at least need a doc who is willing to help your health situation.

I had to take prescribed iron as well for the anemia

I’ve had anxiety all my life. Mine got much worse in mid to late 40’s.

I just keep taking higher and higher doses of anti depressants. Your life does sound stressful, and l think you need to discussthe disabled woman you give a lift to with your boss.

Thank you everyone. I don’t know why I posted this morning, just wanted somewhere to vent.
I have been prescribed ferrous fumarate but unfortunately they exacerbated my IBS. I’ve tried everything for the digestive issues but nothing helps. Seeing a gastroenterologist in a couple of weeks so fingers crossed I will get somewhere with him.
My gp won’t acknowledge that I may be in peri as I have regular periods. I have asked several GPs at the surgery but they won’t refer me to a menopause clinic. I just get offered antidepressants which make me feel awful.
The lady I drive for is actually my employer as I am paid by her and my contact is with her even though she lives with her parents and her mum organises her life for her.
I just resting my hopes on getting the attendance allowance for mum so that I can then get the carers allowance.

I think maybe you haven’t been offered the right antidepressants. You have to be patient and work with them.

I had 2 weeks off anti depressants a few weeks ago. I just about cope on them, but off them l was just a mess. A quivering jelly. And l thought they weren’t doing much.... you seem quite dismissive of them, but they do work if you persevere. Which ones have you tried? Not all of them make you feel worse at first.

Try taking isoflavines for a bit and see if they help ( plant soya) you can get them on Amazon.

all TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince I’ve tried Sertraline and Citalopram but they gave me a terrible upset stomach and dizziness both of which aren’t great side effects when you drive for a living I just couldn’t risk feeling so spaced out whilst driving. I’ll be honest that it’s put me off trying any others but will try the isoflavines.

They all make you dizzy and spaced out unfortunately. But l do think they are the answer.

Can’t you be off sick whilst you take them?

so I can give up my job and help look after her (tbh I dont really look forward to this but I have to).

@Reesewitherknife Why do you feel you have to? Caring for someone with dementia is horrendous as it is, if you're already struggling with anxiety this is going to be a massive thing to take on, when it sounds like you need to be removing stress from your life, not adding to it.

Are your parents getting any professional support i.e. carers, is this something you could help with rather than putting yourself in that role?

It sounds like you're the sort of person that bends over backwards to help others. but you're going to be no use to anyone if you breakdown - you need to put yourself first.

Have you asked about iron infusions? I can't take oral iron. I am similar to you in many ways and have life threatening conditions but the one thing I find totally debilitating (mentally and physically) is when my anaemia is at its worst. I feel overwhelmed.
The NHS aren't great for bereavement counselling but do you have a local hospice that offers it? Ours does even if your loved one wasn't a patient. Be gentle with yourself you have a heck of a lot on your shoulders.

💐

You have so much going on OP. Would you be able to get a sick line and sign on for statutory sick pay for a few months to recover your strength? Would your partner support you?

Have they tried you on beta blockers for the IBS? I get a really dodgy stomach when I'm anxious and found that beta blockers helped with it.

Thank you everyone for your advice.
TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince unfortunately I don’t get paid sick leave but I may try them at Christmas when I have a week off.
Lellochip My mum would absolutely hate to have a stranger in her home caring for her. I go and see her every day so may as well try to get carers allowance to help me financially. I am trying to find a day centre that she may be able to attend a few days a week which could give my dad and I a little respite.
Pumpkinpied thankmyou, yes anaemia makes you feel awful. Unfortunately my gp has tried several times for the infusions but it got refused. My ferritin levels are currently 5 so I may ring the gp and ask again.
Iggypoppie Unfortunately I don’t get paid sick pay. I’ll look i to statutory sick pay. I don’t want to put dh under any pressure as his mum only passed away a month ago.
nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut I did ask for beta blockers but I have low blood pressure so gp wouldn’t prescribe.

Mirtazapine works differently to the two anti depressants you've tried might be worth giving it a go although not personally but others say it makes them drowsy.

Agomelatine does too.

I think most people with dementia would prefer family caring for them, even if it's not the best option. If you taking on full-time care works for you and your family, then go for it, but just don't be drawn into committing more then your own health and wellbeing can afford. I'm sure your mum pre-Alzheimers wouldn't want that for you, and it sounds like maybe you've been supporting everyone else for a while, and now could do with less stress rather than more.

The Dementia Talking Point forum is a great place to join if you haven't already - lots of practical advice and emotional support from other carers.

Regarding the iron, any chance you could afford to pay privately for one? Everything else might just be that little bit easier to manage if you feel physically better