I am a waste of space

[Sodamnbored]

Name changed just in case but pretty sure no one knows me

Background:
Middled aged, unattractive, very long term single parent to grown kids who due to Covid are needing a fair bit of support; emotional, financial, accommodation etc
No friends to speak of due to bringing up kids and trying to earn enough to keep a roof over our head. And a job that is not 9-5 and very demanding. I also have neurodiversities which makes me ‘different’ and on top of that was rejected by my parents, and my ex-H chested on me for all our marriage so trusting people isn’t easy.

I have I guess mild depression, and just wish I could fall asleep and it all be gone; I’d not do anything daft as my children need my support and I can’t let them down. But I’m fed up with my life. I pretty much only have my work and went through redundancy not so long ago. Luckily I was safe this time but loosing my job will mean loosing my home leaving me and my currently unemployed adult child homeless.

Everything is such hard work and an endless amount of it too. I’m not sleeping properly with a bad case of imposter syndrome over my job and the knowledge that this is it for my life. I’ve been on my own for 2 decades give or take bringing up my kids and trying to work at my career. But to what end? Get no interest at all on dating sites, and developing friends at this age when you work more than FT is impossible.

I’ve no support to speak of, and sometimes end up supporting work colleagues. I give but whatever karma rules are out there I don’t seem to get anything much back. How is that? I’m a pretty kind person but am turning into someone I don’t like. Resentful to an extent, lost, lonely, pathetic!

I know I’ve a lot to be thankful for: mortgaged house, job that pays the bills enough for me to support myself and my now unemployed child. I’m healthy too and on the whole love my job.

But what life is this if this is all! I’m growing older alone, bored of my life, and apart from my children, unloved. I have got used to be unloveable, and unwanted-never good enough but I can’t say the emotional pain of that doesn’t hurt.

I’m in a bad place. I can’t get worse as I have to be there for people. I’m not good on meds (get heart palpitations) and have been on HRT for over a decade so it’s not menopause related.

I am sure Covid and the encroaching cold and dark weather isn’t helping. I can’t bring myself to exercise as I’m so tired with a lack of proper sleep, and when I’ve spoken to counsellors I’ve been told no one can really help as I practice the self- help therapies that usually work for me. I’ve resorted to impulse shopping In an effort to help, and maybe to trying to stop myself looking so old and unattractive...it’s not working but no one really sees me anyway so I’m sort of fuelling my own Barbie wardrobe habit.

I know finding someone special won’t solve my problems, but at the moment I’m barely going out and even without Covid wouldn’t as I know if people see me they’d be repulsed...that is if they noticed me at all which I suspect is the case. I am pretty much nothing, a waste of space and I feel like I’m being punished by just being here. Daft eh!

Any tips that might help me pull myself out of this as I have to do it, I’ve only myself to rely on.

Oh op I could easily counter many of your points and 'prove' why you're worthwhile but I don't think you want an argument or to have people try to defeat you with logic.
You need a hand hold and someone to be kind to you. Which I can do virtually.

Ah OP I'm very sorry to hear you're feeling so low. It's completely understandable. These are very tough times, with life having a distinct 'hamster wheel' element and it sounds like you have it particularly hard at the moment.

Things that have helped me are: Getting into some good habits re healthy eating/exercise. It's daunting and hard to get started but just think "today I'm going to eat well and do 20 mins of exercise" and take it one day at a time.

Getting outside! Always find fresh air and nature helps. It's also very pretty this time of year.

I think it's also worth a chat to your GP to see if they can suggest something that might work for you treatment wise.

You're doing great - offering support to so many people. You should be proud of yourself x

OP I do understand. I could have written your post (or very similar) ten years ago. I was widowed when the kids were babies, brought them up alone, worked as a hospital doctor, had no social life, no relatives within 250 miles and never remarried. My work was my only social contact apart from church.
When the kids went off to uni and then moved 50 miles away to their own homes, it was just me and the cat. I dreaded retirement.
However, things don’t have to be like that! I took steps to improve my situation because I knew that if I didn’t, my approaching retirement would become solitary confinement.
I went to bridge lessons, made lots of new friends at the club, and now play regularly. Currently it’s just online due to Covid, but we will reopen the club as soon as we have a vaccine or the pandemic is over.
I joined a table tennis club in a nearby village, again meeting friends and getting some exercise. I went on the evening walks with the church rambling group. I travelled to the city to meet my DDs for days out. I plucked up the courage to go to theatres, cinemas and concerts on my own, often having a nice chat with others in the audience during the interval.

Your life is very much what you make it. Have a think about what interests you - what activities appeal to you? Would you like to study something online or at an evening class once life is normal again? How about volunteering at an animal shelter, or charity shop? Is there a sport you fancy having a crack at? A craft or hobby that has a local group you could join? What about going along to services at your local church? They will be a welcoming community, and often run social groups.
The hardest bit is just getting started. I was terrified the first time I walked into the bridge club, and nearly ran away! But I now have a good laugh and a challenging game with a nice bunch of new friends.
I’m autistic, and hopeless at understanding social stuff, so if I can do it, anyone can.
The world is still out there, OP. It’s yours for the taking - give yourself permission to have a life. Stop giving a shit about your appearance or what others may or may not think of you, don’t over analyse, just enjoy living and trying new things that you might like.
If you find one thing that works, and lifts your mood, it will encourage you to try others. Nothing succeeds like success! It’s a positive feedback loop.
Sending you a virtual hug, and lots of encouragement. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by giving life a bash. Go for it!

@SoDamnBored how are you doing?

Dear op, I so relate to the title of your post. You are going through a tough time, and it's not easy. But congratulate yourself on bringing up your children, and on your own. And providing support to work colleagues as well. You are clearly a very caring, loving and decent person. One thing I picked up on is your lack of sleep. I take Quetiapine 2 tablets at night. When I'm depressed my sleeping is almost non existent. It doesn't change my mood in any way, but It's fantastic for me, in that it very quickly gets me to sleep, and I feel at least refreshed the following day. It is a classed as a mood stabiliser or anti psychotic, and I believe only a Psychiatrist can prescribe it. Though I've been on it a few years now, so maybe the guidelines have changed. (I don't have bipolar or schizophrenia, but recurrent depression & anxiety). It is certainly worth asking your GP. Let me know how you get on if you do see your GP. Sending you love & hugs x