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How to cope with not being able to keep up with everyone else?

10 replies

Jericoo · 23/10/2020 02:58

I have severe MH issues that have effected me my entire life. This has resulted in me being considerably behind other people my age in terms of career, social development, relationships... I see people younger than me that are 'ahead' of me, and that makes me panic.

I know that life is not a race and everything comes in time. But I can't help but beat myself up about it constantly. I cannot help that I have these MH issues. They are a result of my childhood/genetics. I have done years of counselling, medication... I try my absolute best to combat these issues. So how can I stop feeling like a failure and disappoint that deserves nothing, and start feeling better about myself?

OP posts:
Jericoo · 23/10/2020 03:14

I should add I am very ashamed of it... I struggle talking to people my own age because I don't ever want to admit to it..

OP posts:
vizlsapup · 23/10/2020 04:40

For me it was stopping comparing myself to others. I had some counselling in my early 30s after a relationship breakdown when I felt my life had gone off course and I felt ashamed/a failure. The one thing that I took from it was that I was ok for who I was. I also stopped following people on social media, only interests and hobbies (even that is enough!).

Also realising there is no one path in life. The idea that x,y,z happens in this order is far less true today than ever in the past.

Knowing that other peoples life are never as perfect as they seem.

Adapting and finding a balance that enables me to work.

Have you tried to open up to friends? You may find them more supportive than you think. Flowers

vizlsapup · 23/10/2020 04:43

I also think it naturally happens in early 30s that we stop caring so much what people think. Make a list of all things you have done that you are proud of Smile

Porridgeoat · 23/10/2020 04:43

I find this a really strange concept that people are behind or in front of others like we are all travelling down one path at different speeds.

Life is imperfect for everyone. Everyone has different struggles. Money family career health whatever.

Everyones journey and goals are different. While some aspire to a career, others aspire to travel or living alternatively. While some aspire to having a family, others aspire to putting the planet first. While some wish to purchase a home, others see it as commercialism. Everyone has a different spanner in the works. A different issue.

Regardless of your goals for life you must hold at the front of your mind that you are warm, fed, loved and safe. There are adults and children in the U.K. and abroad who don’t have these basic needs met.

Maybe a good excersise would be for you to do some voluntary work with people more disadvantaged then yourself. You will learn to value the most vulnerable people in society

Start being grateful for what you have. Make a list of the good things in your life. Make a practical plan to reach your goals.

flashbac · 23/10/2020 04:56

I used to be like this. You'll never get better if you compare yourself to others and feel like a failure as a result. You must find a way to accept who you are, show yourself some compassion and make peace with yourself.

DeKraai · 23/10/2020 05:46

There appears to be certain trajectories that people follow(ed). Finish school, go to uni, get a job, have a few years of fun, find a partner, get married + have kids + buy a house (any order if that last combo).

Or the finish school, get a job, move out of home, have some years of fun then get married + have kids + buy a house (any order if that last combo).

There are others, but those are very common ones.

When we don't follow one of the most commonly tread paths, we feel that we're wrong, because humans are social animals and we naturally compare ourselves to others and instinctively feel we should be like the others.

Those trajectories above are also the ones we find reinforced by the media and they stop with the "get married + have kids + buy a house (any order if that last combo)" because then it's all "happily ever after".

Except for most people it's actually not.

So back to you. It's normal to look around yourself and also to compare yourself and also to see these trajectories (or others) and feel that you're not on one of them. It's also logical to feel left behind. That doesn't actually mean that you are. You're on a less commonly tread path.

But you're not the only one.

The impact of difficult life experiences/mental health problems from childhood are massively underestimated by loads of people. The school system brings people through a chronological set of tasks. And the flows into the first few years of working or uni then work (even longer if someone trains to be a dr though). After that, we all get dispersed but we've been set up to look at people our age and look what we're doing/achieving in comparison to them. It makes life easier in a way because when we're already emotionally burdened by our past or present life circumstances/genetics, we "just" need to go to school, learn enough and pass tests. After we leave education though, the weight of the emotional load can become harder because now we have to figure everything out. We have to find out own path, rather than turn up and do what we're told.

This is long, but maybe it helps to see that comparing is really normal and expected in humans. But the age comparison is particularly not helpful after we've finished school/uni.

You don't need to beat yourself up for comparing, because it's normal to compare.

You don't need to beat yourself up for feeling like you're behind, because you actually can't be behind people who are on a different path to you - especially when the actual end of all paths is death (which is better not dwelled on anyway ).

You ask how you can stop the comparisons. I'd say don't bother with that effort. We only have so much energy anyway and when we're struggling with mental health issues we usually have less to spare.

What do you enjoy doing? What's something fun you'd like to try, in particular small things? I'm not talking about visiting the pyramids before you die, more like trying a recipe for something, an activity you'd like to do that haven't got round to. A film you've been meaning to see but didn't. A book you wanted to read. A game you wanted to play. I don't know you so I have no idea what makes you happy or what little things you might like. Things that make today and tomorrow better than yesterday. Covid is in the way of a lot of things, so you might have to get creative.

Work your way through the list - according to what takes your fancy, don't work your way down the list, unless that makes you happy! Add new things to it when they come up.

If you spend your time trying not to do something, you're still giving your energy to it. So really, my opinion on this is to focus on doing fun/interesting/stimulating things instead, but, that might not be the best for you either! You know yourself far better than this online random person!

MattBerrysHair · 23/10/2020 06:20

I only felt comfortable with my place in life once I accepted my personal capabilities and limitations. Before that I felt like a constant failure because I wasn't doing or achieving what people of my age and level of education were achieving. I made myself very Ill trying to 'keep up'. I also had to stop spending time with the 'if only' questions ie. 'If only my childhood had been loving and supportive I'd be successful at xyz by now/ my marriage wouldn't have broken down/ I'd be a brilliant parent etc.

I'm pretty much content with life now. I'm never going to have a stellar career, but I have a job I love and doing it makes me happy. I'm never going to be a social butterfly but I have a couple of friends I really value. I'm always going to be on benefits due to my disabilities limiting how many hours I can work, but my family are warm and fed and clothed and I'm really good at budgeting. I know, and really believe, that I'm not a failure. I've worked really hard to get where I am, having chronic MH issues is exhausting and it's taken a lot to get where I am now. I'm proud of that.

Bumpsadaisie · 23/10/2020 09:39

I'd say too that even if you have a stellar cv and list of life achievements you can still feel like this and like you don't cut the mustard.

It's an internal state of mind I think.

I'm in that category myself - top uni, top law firm, own house early on. Eventually had to give up the stellar career as I didn't feel I could cope with it at that level nor did I want to give my whole life to it.

Have spent last 15 years working on accepting that I now have a good more ordinary career which is what I can manage.

Still have feelings of failure and worthlessness though when I see acquaintance in the news.

I think accepting your own limits is good advice. And setting yourself realistic goals based on who you are and what you personally have had to contend with in life.

Bumpsadaisie · 23/10/2020 09:40

Plus - many people in the top tier of life are very unhappy.

You can only exist at that level by sacrificing other things that are important.

vizlsapup · 23/10/2020 13:24

Some great advice.

Also I think society is set up in quite an unsustainable way at the moment. Study, work, find a partner, save for a deposit, get married, have children........all before the age of 35'ish when fertility starts to decline...not saying it is not possible later but fall off at any of the stages (break up, change of career, few years out with poor health) or struggle with saving an astronomical deposit and you find yourself on a different path.

The truth is I think the answer is prioritising, and you can do a lot worse than prioritising physical and emotional health and happiness first off.

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