Can anyone relate please? I haven't slept properly for months, my nails are bitten right down, I constantly worry about my decision making from small things to big things - including still about whether to have try for another baby or not.
I still function day to day as a mum, wife and a part time working parent but it's exhausting. I play out different scenarios in the future and worry about the negatives. I feel on edge constantly. I struggle to get 'big'stuff done beyond the basics of day to day life e.g. house renovations, decluttering etc.
Some background:
I'm a mum of two primary school aged children and we've recently decided not to try to add any more children to our family. I agonised over this decision for about 18 months with untold sleepless nights and days of 'being elsewhere mentally' and a reasonable amount of conflict with my partner who was not initially keen although came around to the idea of trying for another child and found my to-ing and fro-ing almost as stressful as I did. I was never totally clear in my gut what I wanted and feared 'rolling the dice' might lead to a bad outcome somehow. Sticking felt safer than twisting, albeit with feelings of sadness and what if. I find making a decision hard enough and also sticking to a decision and moving on is equally as hard.
I went through gynaelogical surgeries, IVF and a couple of miscarriages before having my kids and a couple of stressful years of infertility before that.
I saw my GP in March and explained my indecision about expanding our family and my anxiety and feelings around either scenario and the debilitating impact on me, the in the course of the conversation she assessed me as being depressed which I was surprised about I felt more anxious than depressed iyswim.
I lost my own mum a few years ago in traumatic circumstances after years of illness and my Dad my dad has been in ill health and quite demanding in various ways ever since.
At 43 i'm also wondering if perimenopause may be a factor even though I still have very regular periods.