Feel so alone

[Theodoreb]

I thought my dagnosis was schizophrenia and bipolar but my psychiatrist corrected me that I have schizoaffective disorder bipolar type.

But honestly I just feel so alone, no one ever knows what to say about my mental health problems my mum says it's just because they are so severe that they can't possibly understand.

I take 11 tablets a day just for my mental illness and I don't know anyone who can relate other people I know with mental health problems take at most 4 tablets and it's embarrassing if I sleep out as when I take my meds people always get frightened I'm overdosing. Then they try and convince me that I don't need that many meds when in all honesty I really do. But no one understands this.

A little example of a problem I used to have (trigger warning next few sentences talk of self harm) was as I find it difficult to express emotions I used to overdose every single night not enough to kill me just enough to make me be sick as when I was sick it felt like I was vomiting all my emotions up. I used to take 6 paracetamol 6 ibuprofen and 6 aspirin every single night. But haven't done it in two years.

When I'm psychotic people don't understand that just telling me there is no voice speaking to me or what I see isn't there doesn't actually make everything ok. I have to have a dog as I always gauge their reactions if I'm alone to ascertain if what I'm seeing is real.

I am 32years old and I have copd from smoking too much yet I cannot quit as when I'm psychotic the only coping mechanism I have is to smoke.

Plus I don't want to live that long anyway.

I've had at least 14 suicide attempts and some were serious enough to land me in hospital for a week on iv antidote.

I sorted my life out got my kids back and I'm doing brilliantly but I still get bad days but whenever I try to talk to someone they don't know what to say to help, I'm difficult I know this. Just wish I didn't feel so alone.

I have flashbacks of previous episodes all the time and the feeling of having my mind and body taken over by uncontrollable mania is truly traumatic and I'm frightened of it happening again.

So I take my meds every night at the same time. I gained 4 stone from all the tablets and cannot shift any of the weight which is hard as I'm also bulimic and I hardly eat all I eat is one small meal a day and I've managed not to purge that for a year now but yet I still don't lose weight. Before lockdown I was doing brilliantly swimming 60 lengths every day this improved my mental health improved my copd and I was losing weight although very slowly 2lbs a month. But I can't walk or do other exercise as I find it too hard with my copd and I love swimming so easier to motivate but now pools are shut.

I don't know guess I just feel alone and like everyone has given up helping me and like no one cares. And I'm sick of people pulling faces at my meds I know it's a lot I know it's not physically healthy but I also know it's needed as when I went if my meds I ended up losing my kids and a homeless drug addict now I'm doing 1000x better.

Hi I've got Schizoaffective disorder too but I'm on less meds.
If 11 tablets a day is what works for you then you must take them regardless of what people say.
These people who criticise you for how many meds you take are not good friends or people that you need in your life!

Btw I'm getting a problem where my perception of my voice changes when I'm tired & stressed. It sounds like another person's voice but no one else can hear anything except my voice!
It's annoying & makes me not want to talk.

Thank you for your reply it helps to know I'm not alone, personally I think I'm doing amazing not only have I conquered all that but for a long time had to live with my mum and she moved out just before lockdown and I still managed to cope.

I've never had the voice thing sounds horrid hope it stop soon for you.

I have one or two friends who knew me when I was of meds and they stand up for me when people complain saying trust me you don't want to see her without them. It just hurts that every time someone sees they comment on it negatively if they never knew me when I was off my meds.

I really need the pool to open again as it was really helping me and I think stopping the self harm and purging is a real win for me but people don't seem to see how far I've come only the things I struggle with now.

I have no intention of ever going of my meds again as honestly I'm frightened of what I'll end up doing. So usually I try to explain to people why I need them but really I shouldn't have to explain myself. My psychiatrist and I have discussed the risks in depth I am fully aware of them and I'm aware I probably won't live as long with them but I also know I'll live a lot shorter a time if I'm off them and abusing my body.

I also had to fill in my Pip forms again this week as although I was on HRC for another year I want to try for mobility owing to my copd as I have it quite severely already and really want a blue badge as parking is a long way from where I live and I have 3 dc with special needs two are on LRM and it's hard getting everyone in the house and across a busy road.

So I'm stressed about Pip outcome, got a appointment with my psychiatrist Monday over the phone as I've changed my anti psychotic from 20mg olanzapine to 10mg haloperidol. Another thing that's stressing me right now is as haloperidol is such a old anti psychotic I'm supposed to have a regular full health check but they have postponed it twice now because of covid.

But I think considering I have schizoaffective one dc with ADHD one DC with severe ASD and the third being investigated for epilepsy I think I do a amazing job only thing I struggle with is housework and I get absolutely no help with it. But I think that brilliant with everything I got on my plate.