How to help my DS through this?

[Annamaywong25]

This may be long...sorry. DS has suffered from depression and anxiety on and off for years. He is now 30 and this covid situation seems to have pushed him over the edge completely. He rarely sleeps or eats, has stopped showering regularly, his hair has grown long and he hardly ever shaves now. I'm at my wits end now and don't know where to turn. He rarely leaves his room anymore and the last time I managed to glimpse into it it was horrendous in there. Myself and his brothers and sisters have all tried to get through to him over the years to get himself sorted and he has been to a counsellor and a doctor but then only tries it once and then says they are unable to help him. He is now totally reclusive and I fear I will never get through to him, and he will one day end it all. I also worry so much about what will happen to him when I am no longer here. Can anyone relate or offer me any advice please?

Sorry to hear this, must be so worrying and your DS is clearly suffering. It's so hard in this situation because it sounds like any advice will be unwelcome from his perspective. Is he on medication?

Ok so he lives with you by the sounds of your post, who cooks his meals and does his laundry? If it's you then tell him YOU need help, not in a "I can't do this for you anymore" way but in a friendly "Son, could you give me a hand carrying this laundry down, I've hurt my back" way or "I really need someone to peel potatoes quickly because I'm running out of time here" these are tactics to get him out of the room, if he feels he is doing you a favour rather than being cajoled into it and it being a whole big "thing" if that makes sense.

Getting him out of the room and integrated into family life is going to be one of the most helpful things for his mental health. Do you have a dog, can you ask him to join you on a walk with it? Once he's out of the room with a bit more frequency then move on to "I've run you a bath love if you fancy it" or "there's a new electric toothbrush in the bathroom for you, there was a good deal on in Tesco" (if he's not being hygienic)

Don't make it obvious that you're trying to get him involved in these activities. Casual, casual, casual. Offer to help him clean his room, it might have built up so bad that he doesn't know where to start with it and the very thought of cleaning it is overwhelming to him but if he allows you to make a start and then joins in that would be helpful. THEN once you've built these type of interactions up over a few weeks, even a month, you can move on to "maybe we should try giving the GP a ring again about your anxiety love, what do you think?"

@rainbowninja

Sorry to hear this, must be so worrying and your DS is clearly suffering. It's so hard in this situation because it sounds like any advice will be unwelcome from his perspective. Is he on medication?

We persuaded him to go to the doctors early last year. Doctor gave him anti-depressants and we all (family) spoke to him about the need to take them regularly. After a couple of weeks taking them he came off them suddenly and went really downhill for weeks. He said they made him like a zombie and were rubbish. Now he's very anti doctor/anti medication, saying nothing will work for him. He digs his heels in and just wont listen to any of us.

@nogodsnomasters thank you for your advice. I've tried some of your suggestions in the past, sometimes he will come out of his room for a short while (very short) so next time he does I will ask him to help with something. I have tried this with a few things, he'd say he would help then not actually do anything. I cook meals and leave a couple in the fridge hoping he will eat them, sometimes he will in the middle of the night, but maybe 2-3 times a week, he's so thin. I do my own washing but if he's had a shower there might be a few items of his in the basket which I will do with mine, but he just seems to wear the same clothes for days and days. He used to be such a smart, clean young man, breaks my heart seeing him like this

Oh that's tough, I get it, been reluctant myself with medication. Are there any support organisations you can contact locally that could give you some advice? I'm thinking of Mind or similar? I'll bet this is a very familiar story to them and I'm sure they will have ideas of what might help in your DS situation.

Does he get upset if you go into his room or knock and just talk at the door even? He definitely needs help from a professional eventually but it will be about slowly building up to that rather than going straight to it I think for this situation. Walking and gardening are both great for mental health if you can manage to get him to agree to either first.

Does he get upset if you go into his room or knock and just talk at the door even? He definitely needs help from a professional eventually but it will be about slowly building up to that rather than going straight to it I think for this situation. Walking and gardening are both great for mental health if you can manage to get him to agree to either first.

@rainbowninja

Oh that's tough, I get it, been reluctant myself with medication. Are there any support organisations you can contact locally that could give you some advice? I'm thinking of Mind or similar? I'll bet this is a very familiar story to them and I'm sure they will have ideas of what might help in your DS situation.

I didn't think of contacting Mind, that's an idea. They really helped me years ago when my marriage broke down and my dad passed away simultaneously. I'll look into it, thank you.

@Nogodsnomasters

Does he get upset if you go into his room or knock and just talk at the door even? He definitely needs help from a professional eventually but it will be about slowly building up to that rather than going straight to it I think for this situation. Walking and gardening are both great for mental health if you can manage to get him to agree to either first.

He locks himself in his bedroom so I can't go in. If I knock and speak he sometimes replies but it's difficult to speak through a door, and he won't open it. I tried to get him to help me in the garden in the nicer weather (he worked up to lockdown for a landscape gardening company) but although he was all ideas and promises he never actually came out of his room to help. He used to jog for fitness when he was well but I don't think I'll be able to persuade him to go walking realistically.

As you asked before, we don't have a dog. I've thought of getting one as he loves dogs (we only have cats) and showed enthusiasm when I said I was considering it, but I'm worried that it would be something he would help with at first and then lose interest. I work long hours and couldn't find the time to care for a dog myself, so it would be an added responsibility for me, and not fair on the dog if my son let it down.

What do you think he’s doing in his room? Sleeping? Gaming? Talking to people on the internet?

@Annamaywong25 sorry to hear that, you sound a bit like my mum. It was 20 years ago now but her dad died quite suddenly and at the same time she found out my dad had been having an affair.

Interestingly my younger brother was in a similar situation to your DS a few years back. He dropped out of uni and came home, he was so depressed and similarly
spent all his time in his room. It went on for a long time but eventually he decided he wanted to move to London. He got a job there and found a house share and has done a lot better ever since. No one could have made it happen for him, he just had to make the decision for himself that he had had enough and wanted to make a change x

@justanotherneighinparadise

What do you think he’s doing in his room? Sleeping? Gaming? Talking to people on the internet?

Sometimes he's quiet for days on end. I worry more then. If I knock he doesn't answer. Other times he's talking, I assume on the phone or on line. Sometimes all night and into the next day/s.

[quote rainbowninja]@Annamaywong25 sorry to hear that, you sound a bit like my mum. It was 20 years ago now but her dad died quite suddenly and at the same time she found out my dad had been having an affair.

Interestingly my younger brother was in a similar situation to your DS a few years back. He dropped out of uni and came home, he was so depressed and similarly
spent all his time in his room. It went on for a long time but eventually he decided he wanted to move to London. He got a job there and found a house share and has done a lot better ever since. No one could have made it happen for him, he just had to make the decision for himself that he had had enough and wanted to make a change x [/quote]
I'm beginning to think that, like your brother, the only solution will be when he wants to help himself out of the situation. No amount of talking, cajoling, reasoning from any of his immediate family/friends is making any difference. Maybe he has to hit rock bottom before he can bounce back up. I'm glad your brother picked his life up and is doing well.

That sounds so hard, I understand what you mean about getting the dog and worrying that it wouldn't be looked after. Is he still on furlough if he worked up til lockdown? Or has he lost the job altogether?

@Nogodsnomasters

That sounds so hard, I understand what you mean about getting the dog and worrying that it wouldn't be looked after. Is he still on furlough if he worked up til lockdown? Or has he lost the job altogether?

He's self employed. He got a lump sum payment in April. I think he could go back to the job if he was well, but I'm not sure.