Loneliness at work

[Quangoquandry]

Looking for ways to target loneliness at work if any of you lovely people have strategies please?

I have been working from home for 7 months now and after taking my usual break at lunch time for a walk, I can't stop crying. I have considered taking the afternoon off but really unsure of what to say to my manager (who speaks to me once every 10 weeks or so). I am a team of one so don't have other team members to talk to or that I can lean on to support and it is really taking its toll on my mental health now, I really don't know what to do.

I was in a similar position to you, OP, when I was working from home. I was in a unique role where I wasn't assigned to a particular team, and worked different hours, so never developed the close working relationships that others had. I missed the contact with other people at work, and nobody bothered to keep in touch with me because I wasn't in any of their close friendship groups. Then I was placed on furlough and it was even worse, as I only had an occasional email from my line manager and had no idea if/when I would return to work. It turned out that others had returned to work, while I remained on furlough until the end of Oct. I have now been told my job is redundant. I feel very isolated and the redundancy process is not going well. I miss my work and some of the people I used to chat to in the office, but I can't reach out to anyone, knowing that for them I was just someone they were happy to exchange pleasantries with, but not a real friend they would want to keep in touch with. I'm having a few tearful moments.

I need a job where I'm less isolated, as I don't have close family or friends living nearby, so for the last 6 months I've hardly spoken to anyone except DH. I need more human contact but during a pandemic there aren't many options to meet new people, no classes or courses to take, except online. I'm sorry I have no tips to help, but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

Keep up the daily walks - I do them too, and they often help lift my mood. I hope someone else will come along with more suggestions.

Thank you Defenbaker, and I know my situation is not as bad as some as I do still have a job.

I've cried most of the afternoon and into this evening but have managed to paint some walls so at least I have managed something productive.

I had a great boss who left just before the pandemic and now I am sitting under someone who I don't feel fully understands my role and department. It was supposed to be temporary but 7 months later it hasn't changed. I do join other team meetings but I am craving some non superficial communication. Doesn't help that I live alone it's all quite overwhelming at the moment.

Hi op, you have a few options. Arrange some more regular checkins with your manager, Zoom coffee meetings with colleagues. Or arrange for more regular checkins with friends/family to get through this. Or both :) I was in a similar place, left a job of 8 years, started new one then covid, no relationships to build on. I got very low. I now have mundane chat to an older isolated family member daily! Enjoying getting to know them more.

I also spoke to my GP for low dose ADs just to get through the Winter.

Thanks SpideryPants, my boss is the biggest part of the problem - emails, IMs and phone calls go unanswered. We talk approximately every 10 weeks and I have repeatedly told him I am struggling with the isolation. He promises great things but nothing ever comes to fruition. I'm out of warnings I think the next step is to go off sick as work is making me so miserable and it is spilling over into my personal life now.

OP - your current boss sounds a bit like my line manager, except for he does at least respond to emails. He's a decent enough bloke and we normally get on quite well, but he's not half as switched on as my previous line manager, who was a woman, and had much more empathy than him.

From what you say, it's not the actual work that's causing you problems, it's the isolation and lack of human interaction with colleagues. I totally get this, but I'm not sure that going off sick will help you, because you'd have even more time to ponder, in isolation.

I used to have quite a laugh with my line manager, pre Covid. If we bumped into each other we'd have a little chat and sometimes it felt like we were quite good friends. Now it's very different, he's under immense pressure, working long hours while others are on furlough, and I know that he doesn't have the time or the patience with small talk that he once had. He's been a bit prickly with me at times, during our redundancy consultation. It hurts, but I have to remember he's not my friend, his job isn't to make me feel better about things, and during this period, he's only interested in handling my redundancy by the book so that I have no cause to challenge it in a tribunal.

I'm glad you started this thread, where people in similar situations can compare notes and have a virtual chat. It's pourimg with rain here, but I'm off for my long daily walk soon, when the rain is expected to clear. One plus to furlough is that I've lengthened my walks, which has resulted in losing a few pounds. That's another reason I force myself to walk every day, even if I get soaked.

No I do realise that his job isn't to make me feel better and he does have a lot going on elsewhere in the business but don't feel it's an appropriate excuse to only communicate with me every 10 weeks or so either (or not reapond to my emails).

I emailed him this morning and told him 7 months of loneliness and isolation are taking their toll on me (I already told him it is unsustainable and that I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel). He has set up a meeting with myself and his boss this week so I have finally managed to get through. I have been an absolute mess this past week and DP sat on the kitchen floor and cried at the weekend because he hates seeing me the way I am...it's affecting more than just me now and its just not good enough, work should not have me constantly on the edge of tears and I can't believe a job I used to love has come to this.

OP, sorry to hear that you're still struggling. I hope the meeting goes well and they start to offer you some support.

I'm still waiting to hear back from my line manager, after a rather fraught conversation last week which didn't end well. I was expecting a phone call by last Friday, and was ready to meet him halfway, and acknowledge I did get a bit emotional about things and perhaps I had expected too much from him/the firm, but now I'm left wondering if he thinks I should go back to him with a grovelling apology. I asked some awkward questions and he got exasperated with me, and spoke of how hard he had worked to build a good working relationship with me, and said he was hurt by some of the things I'd said. He acted like a total snowflake and it was like he was trying to make it all about him, and how much stress I was causing him! I felt like saying "It's MY redundancy, not yours, FFS!!!" Anyway, I won't be grovelling, what's the worst he can do - sack me?! If they try to get out of paying my redundancy entitlement I'll take them to the tribunal. I feel quite bitter about things now.

I’m so sorry OP - WFH is shit.

It’s great that you’ve managed to get through to him. This was in the Times today (sharetoken link) - maybe it’s worth finding out if any of your local pubs do something like this? It might at least be an occasional change of scene.

www.thetimes.co.uk/article/5e16b706-1170-11eb-9859-b09ba5b6a3c4?shareToken=97d919f2d3b7d56604eaca850b15070d

One of our local cafes are doing 2 hour sessions... You get a socially distanced table, connection to WiFi, unlimited tea/coffee, sandwich and a scone.
Do you have anywhere like that near you? Get you out of the house and work in a different setting as a treat might help you?

I too totally understand this. I fear more and more jobs will become like this.

I have 2 part time jobs. One at home for 2 days. The other in an office for 2 days. If it wasn't for the later, I would be totally miserable too.

I fear that If you've already talked to him about it and it hasn't come to fruition, then there is nowhere left for you to go.

please just start looking at new jobs, eventually you will find something better, because this is just not right for you.

I feel totally the same op. I'm someone who never likes working from home anyway, let alone 7 months of it. I'm a single parent too, which comes with different challenges- being too lonely on some days vs being too busy/distracted on others.

One of the pps put their finger on what my real problem is - I'm not in a proper team. I'm in a team of 4 - who I used to sit next to. But each of them are in close tight knit teams - and my role is to float about and 'help' them when necessary. Which means I get none of the benefits of feeling part of a team, but all of the workload.

I've spoken to my manager since the summer about it. They announced a new change yesterday- which basically demoted me and made me feel even more shit.

I don't really know what the light at the end of the tunnel is either- sorry not to post with help. But it must be a common problem and you're certainly not alone.

I hope you get the call you are waiting for, soon Defenbaker. I must remember that things could be worse.

I have started looking for a new job actually as I do feel that things just can't work between my new boss and myself, it is beyond repair I think which is a shame as I have been at this company for a number of years now and really enjoyed my job until I got this temporary manager who seems to have become my permanent manager unfortunately. I do have a niche role and feel he doesn't really understand it and that is the reason I regularly fall off his radar because he doesn't want to be shown up as not having a clue.

DP is staying this week which is a help as I have something to look forward to every night when he comes home from work. Unfortunately all pubs etc. are closed where I am (central belt, Scotland) so no opportunity to head to the pub currently but that may change soon.

Little update this morning in that my manager's boss has said the situation is "utterly and totally unacceptable" tentatively hopeful that we are at the start of making improvements.

OP, that sounds hopeful, maybe they will bring pressure to bear on your manager, to support you better.

I received the phone call yesterday, and we cleared the air, which was good, but my redundancy was confirmed. It will take a bit of getting used to, after 20 years in the role. I feel like I'm grieving for the working life I had.

@eyebrowsofinstagram I was also a float secretary - I know exactly what you mean about "none of the benefits of feeling part of a team, but all of the workload". For instance, the teams all had their own Christmas lunches, usually paid for by their bosses, but I was never invited. If a secretary suffered a bereavement they would often get condolence cards and flowers sent to them while they were on compassionate leave. I didn't receive a single card, let alone flowers, when my parents died within months of each other. So, I won't be seeking another role where I'm invisible until someone needs me to do something. (Yes, I'm feeling a bit bitter now, and can't help suspecting that the other secretaries have swerved the redundancy bullet.)

Ah really hope you can now move onto a much better role now @Defenbaker. That could be one of the things you ask about in interviews- the team structure you'll be working with.

Got my catch up with my boss now, but don't feel like raising the whole issue as no clear solution to it for me.

@positivenewbeginnings Thanks. I hope the catch up went OK. (Did you name change?)

Sorry to hear that your redundancy has been confirmed Defenbaker, however I hope that you are able to move on to something much better now.

I sent a follow up email to my manager's boss on Friday so that he is aware of the full picture - I felt I couldn't be completely open on the call as my boss was there too but also highlighted I didn't want my email to be taken as a boss bashing exercise. I'm sure he is very good at his first priority, however think it needs to be noted that my area isn't his forte and we could suffer consequences if it isn't rectified/identified before it is identified externally.

Blue skies where I am today so hopefully that will lift my mood. Hope everyone else is doing OK and weather is favourable with you too.