Intrusive thoughts and self-criticism/shame

[atmylimit]

I'm feeling very low and anxious at the moment. Some of you might have seen my post on Saturday about struggling as a first time mum.

I'm struggling with lots of things at the moment but one thing I'm finding particularly hard to deal with is intrusive thoughts. They are usually about things I've done wrong/could have handled better and I feel so ashamed and anxious thinking about them. You know that feeling where you would like to just not exist anymore as you feel so awful as a person? It's the worst and probably the most unmanageable of my issues. I'm not actively suicidal but when these thoughts are constant and come with intense anxiety and shame sometimes I do wish I could delete myself or turn my brain off forever. Some of these thoughts are about recent and relatively minor errors that I've made and some of them are intrusive thoughts about things that happened years ago that I really do feel shame about. But even thoughts about the "minor" mistakes I've made come with the same intense anxiety and guilt and shame. I've struggled with this for years (over a decade) but it's pretty bad at the moment.

I've also had a few OCD type intrusive thoughts when I'm with my baby, where as I'm changing her nappy I'll have intrusive thoughts/images about what a pedophile might do in that moment. I have no desire to act on these thoughts and never have or would, in fact they horrify me. But the thoughts temporarily disturb me and increase my anxiety.

All of this is just exhausting on top of everything else.

I've increased my antidepressant dose over the weekend so hopefully that will kick in soon. I am also thinking of starting therapy again. For what feels like the millionth time. Sigh. Maybe I'm beyond help.

I am at the point where I wonder if I'll just feel mentally awful forever and then eventually die. Trying to thing of a lighter way to end this post but I can't!

It's horrible but will pass or diminish once the new dosage kicks in. Meantime, keep very, very busy and see if you can access counselling or CBT. When you have time to ruminate, watch TV, listen to music, read, or go outside and run, to keep the intrusive thoughts at bay.

Sorry to hear things are so tough at the moment. Are you in the UK? Can you see your GP?

I have OCD and am struggling at the moment too. You are not alone. I know the intrusive thoughts are so distressing but remember it’s not you - it’s an illness.

I’m finding the free zoom groups put on by OCD UK helpful at the moment. Not therapy as such but peer support.

Things will get better even if it feels so dark at the moment.

You poor thing. That's awful. Intrusive unwanted thoughts are just the worst. It's like we are torturing ourselves isn't it? I'm sure I used to drag up every single little thing I could think of from my past to feel bad about and make myself cringe and feel worthless. I really feel for you and send hugs.

Hang on in there. This will get better. You are doing the right thing by being aware of the unwanted thought pattern and addressing it with your GP.

I know it sounds silly but I used to try and distract myself with really nice movies and upbeat music. Also wearing colours and a bit of perfume - anything to try to cheer myself up and make me feel better.

CBT really really helped me for this. If you google CBT positive workbook diary some suggestions should come up, they seem so simple but it really works and helps to re wire your brain.

I’ll try and explain the 2 examples I did that helped.

Get a sheet of paper. Left column write days of the week. Along the top: what I did, how it made me feel, summary.

So Monday:
I posted on Mumsnet to ask for support, then how it makes you feel, then write a positive summary such as ‘I reached out for help as I love myself enough to ask for help and support’

Another one I was having really issues with was analysing every conversation / interaction and thinking the worst and that people hated me.

So the chart would be:
What happened
(For instance ‘friend ignored me on the school run’
How I felt
‘Ignored and unliked, is done something wrong’
The reality
‘Friend could be having a hard time and a bad day herself, I’ve not done anything to upset her so could be me being over sensitive’

So always write other possibilities / logical explanations.

Also the power of meditation for mind control and finding peace is massive. Best of luck to you