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Original poster

Strange feeling as a young child

46 replies

Outoftheffogg · 11/10/2020 08:25

Hi all
Please can someone help me identify this strange feeling I used to have as a child? For context - my childhood was full of anxiety and I was emotionally neglected by both parents who were trying to deal with their own issues - I don’t know whether that is relevant to what I felt. I remember this first happening when I was about 7 years old.
I would be happily playing and all of a sudden I had a weird wave of emotion that made me stop in my tracks. It almost felt like a weird detached feeling and I felt sick in my stomach like a sort of aching to be home even when I was home (this is so hard to articulate). It would almost feel like reality was thrown in the air for a few moments and then my brain would return to normal. This would happen every couple of weeks. I haven’t had it for a few years now but I’ve never understood what happened.
In adulthood I have suffered major anxiety and depression and I don’t know whether this was the beginning of it all. Has anyone had a similar feeling?

OP posts:
evenflo3 · 11/10/2020 18:44

Sounds like derealisation, that's a pretty good description of how it feels. It's usually due to anxiety- often 'free floating'

Springfern · 11/10/2020 18:45

I think I had this. Mine felt a little different though,although it's very hard to describe. Mine felt like an absolute sense of terror and desperate need for comfort. I still get it now sometimes and I suddenly feel v small and like I am at the bottom of a well, or sad on a cold wet dark street...I can almost hear the wind blowing and it feels like someone, some sort of demon, is hiding around the corner about to attack me by sucking my soul out....wow that sounds like some out of Harry Potter but I hope that resonates with someone? I also had a v frightening and neglectful childhood and struggle with mental health as an adult

Springfern · 11/10/2020 18:49

To add to my post above, I just remembered that I got this quite a bit a few years ago when I was going through a v stressful time. I would hear this v loud rushing noise in my ears and my vision would start to blur and I would have to read something like the back of a shampoo bottle v slowly to 'ground' myself. At the time I read about emotional flashbacks (a symptom of complex ptsd) and that description kind of fit with what I was experiencing...might be worth a google

blackcat86 · 11/10/2020 19:08

I have had this as a child and sometimes also as an adult. I coped as a child until about 9yrs despite a fairly neglectful DM and a DG who ruled by fear and aggression mixed with suddenly being the fun, Disney dad. Dps were childminders so we were always on show and I 'worked' from about 12. As soon as I started puberty at 9 my DMs behaviour worsened and that's when I started having nightmares and weird feelings i would try to shake off. It was like I was suddenly very aware of myself and as someone else said, my insignificance as a person. Also just sadness and not feeling i could tell anyone what was happening at home or deal with it. I think by 14 I probably had clinical anxiety and depression not that it was ever acknowledged or help sought. 2 years ago I had a traumatic birth and started therapy which helped. Yoga, meditation and massage have been good to. As had a belief that I can work to change the future for my DD and trying to change my own life to. I would recommend a book called 'the body keeps the score'

rainbowninja · 11/10/2020 21:34

Wow, I can so relate to this! My first experience of it was when I was 13 and I read that one day the sun would die. It terrified me and I went into this weird depersonalised state. I had no idea what it was and it started randomly happening to me, like others have said, when I was doing something quite mundane.

I started having panic attacks about it and still have anxiety as an adult. I was a very introverted child and my parents had issues - dad with PTSD who coped by having affairs and a mother was was depressed and insecure. If only I could have known at the time what it was, I literally thought I was going mad...

rainbowninja · 12/10/2020 00:13

Oh and in reference to the earlier comment on trauma, I recently started somatic experiencing therapy

MostIneptThatEverStepped · 12/10/2020 00:15

Thanks so much @Merrythought for your experience with this around breastfeeding, that brought back memories of breastfeeding for me and yes, I do remember similar feelings. It's kind of a weird hollow yearning or wanting...as a child I now realise these were complex adult emotions that I had no idea what to do with.

Sooo interesting that you made the ADHD connection-I was just stumbling around there as I'm trying to put the picture together now I have the diagnosis. I've spent a lot of my life experiencing a dopamine deficit and looking for things to fill it!

MostIneptThatEverStepped · 12/10/2020 00:18

Just to add, I don't have any traumas from my early life, I had a happy childhood (lots of trauma later on though). So no actual reason for these feelings on the way that others have described, just faulty brain wiring.

jessstan1 · 12/10/2020 00:21

I remember feeling like that when I was about nine. It was weird. I moved around, went to school etc, but didn't feel as though I was 'there'. I was the same at home but it mattered less at home. Everything I did seemed to be in slow motion and I felt as though I wanted to break through an invisible barrier but couldn't. It did pass, I don't know precisely for how long I was like that but I think an entire school term.

The next time was when I was seventeen. It was very unpleasant. I vividly remember being out in a market and felt as though I was in a jam jar. Things were going on around me but I was not part of them. It has happened many times since for varying periods.

I now know that I was depressed but at the time I would not have been able to explain it to anyone.

Original poster
Outoftheffogg · 12/10/2020 06:52

I’m glad some people have found this thread useful!
To all those suggesting ADHD - I have done an online assessment and it would appear I’m
Classed as very likely to have it. It’s made me quite emotional as this just explains so much of my personality that I’ve always berated myself for.

OP posts:
JaffaJaffJaffpussycatpuss · 12/10/2020 12:05

Yes, I have found this thread very useful.
Edit: I have dysmorphia and don't recognise myself in the mirror, I have depersonalisation syndrome too which with work will hopefully go away.
I'm not sure how many mainstream psychs know what it is though.
The Maudeseley hospital do though and have made a youtube video about it.
I didn't mention the not recognising myself in the mirror bit for ages because I thought they'd section me or something. Confused
Weirdly enough, I do also have severe adhd, but I'm not sure personally how much it's related, I think it's more trauma based.
I have only discovered most of this recently when I dated to probe into my scary mind. Sad

baubled · 12/10/2020 12:07

I actually can't believe that you've described it as being at home but feeling the need to go home, I always describe a similar feeling I had as a child as being home sick even when I was at home! As an adult I've just assumed it was anxiety- I've also started to wonder about the possibility of ADHD

maybelou · 12/10/2020 12:14

Well reading this just brought a tear to my eye as I get this exact feeling still to this day as an adult and have never been able to describe it, it makes me feel unbearably lonely and in the moments where I'm feeling it I genuinely wish I was dead so it would stop. Thankfully I always know it will pass.

I've never seen anyone bring this up before, or had any idea how to describe it. Going to read this full thread through now but just really shocked to find that other people get this strange wave

Cloudhopping · 12/10/2020 12:25

Hi all, this thread is very interesting. My dd is 14 and describes feeling like this from time to time. These episodes happen when she is in bed, trying to go to sleep and occur once every couple of months or so. I have been concerned but not quite sure what to do as I didn’t want to ‘over-medicalise’ what might just pass. I have encouraged her to keep telling me when they happen.

She is otherwise a fairly normal teenager. She has good friends, likes dancing and apart from some episodes of normal grumpiness she seems otherwise well. There has been no identifiable trauma in her life so far and we have quite a stable family unit. She has always been quite emotionally demanding and sometimes difficult to please but nothing terribly abnormal. I have been reflecting on my own parenting thinking whether there is anything that could have led to this but generally I can’t think of anything.

Can anybody recommend any good literature or perhaps other steps I could take to support her?

rainbowninja · 12/10/2020 12:53

@Cloudhopping it's so great that your daughter has told you about this, I didn't tell anyone for a long time and I ended up very anxious. I wonder if her being emotionally demanding is a sign of some underlying sensitivity? I recently read a book called 'the wisdom of anxiety' by Sheryl Paul and I had a coaching session with her. She describes her own children as highly sensitive and says that they have experienced depersonalisation.

Most importantly though your daughter feels able to talk to you and you have obviously responded in a calm way about it so I wouldn't worry about it too much.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 12/10/2020 14:53

This is helpful

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/dissociation-and-dissociative-disorders/about-dissociation/

I think it’s on the NHS website too

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 12/10/2020 14:55

Arrrrrgh no not that one!!!!

Haworthia · 12/10/2020 15:06

I was amazed when I learned about derealisation because that perfectly explained what I’d experienced since childhood.

FWIW I’ve always suffered from anxiety and have lots of autistic and ADHD traits but haven’t pursued an assessment, even though I would love to.

MostIneptThatEverStepped · 12/10/2020 20:59

@Outoftheffogg that made me feel emotional too, reading your last post. It is a big thing, a diagnosis like that (should you choose your pursue it) and it can be very healing. I'm only 6 weeks in and I'm seeing myself in a whole new light.

There's a world of information out there about ADHD, I'm just dipping a toe in at the moment. I truly wish you the best with it.

ICreatedausernameforthis · 24/10/2024 15:08

Yes!!! I had that same feeling as a child!. It still hits me every now and then as an adult. Certain physical environments seem to trigger it more. I have no idea what it is or why or where it comes from but it is very unpleasant. I actually have anxiety just about having that feeling

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