Strange feeling as a young child

[Outoftheffogg]

Hi all
Please can someone help me identify this strange feeling I used to have as a child? For context - my childhood was full of anxiety and I was emotionally neglected by both parents who were trying to deal with their own issues - I don’t know whether that is relevant to what I felt. I remember this first happening when I was about 7 years old.
I would be happily playing and all of a sudden I had a weird wave of emotion that made me stop in my tracks. It almost felt like a weird detached feeling and I felt sick in my stomach like a sort of aching to be home even when I was home (this is so hard to articulate). It would almost feel like reality was thrown in the air for a few moments and then my brain would return to normal. This would happen every couple of weeks. I haven’t had it for a few years now but I’ve never understood what happened.
In adulthood I have suffered major anxiety and depression and I don’t know whether this was the beginning of it all. Has anyone had a similar feeling?

I definitely remember feeling something like this as a child and have been thinking about it lately following my ADHD diagnosis.

It was like a flood of unregulated emotion, would physically affect me, I would feel intensely sad/anguished/want my mum/want something undefinable. I would just be lying in bed thinking about normal kid stuff and then have this wave of feeling.

Thanks for your reply - do you think that is related directly to your ADHD? It’s interesting to hear that you felt similar - ifs such a difficult emotion to describe!

I'm not sure but I'm wondering. Is ADHD something you've thought about as a possibility for you?

Funnily enough when I saw the title of your thread I had a feeling it was going to be about this...and you're right, it is really really hard to describe! I definitely haven't had it in many years now, perhaps occasionally as a young adult.

Yes, I remember having a similar feeling as a child. I don’t have ADHD or anything else like that. But my mum had a lot of mental health issues and I never felt totally safe and secure as a child. I always put it down to that - not feeling 100% safe. It’s a very unsettling feeling.

Maybe it was a symptom of the stress?

This is depersonalisation or derealization.

It’s the minds way of taking itself out of a stressful situation to protect itself. It feels horrible.

I haven’t considered ADHD as I don’t know much about it really but I’ll have a read up and see if I can relate to anything else associated with it - thanks for the information.

Regarding derializatiob @TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince - can this just happen in a moment when things are calm? As my home life in general felt unsafe but this feeling would occur when I was calm? Thank you for your suggestion I will also do some reading up on this condition

Sorry for the typos I’m writing too fast!

I was also going to say it sounds like depersonalisation. I've had similar experiences to what you describe. I comsider it to be the brain's way of protecting us when we're highly stressed and the nervous system is activated on a sustained basis due to feeling unsafe. Unprocessed trauma gets trapped in the body. Have you tried truama therapy?

It can happen any time. But even if you were in a calm situation it can still happening. I can only describe it from my point of view as feeling like a ghost. It’s a ghostly feeling.

It is part of anxiety and depression. It’s a horrible feeling. I’ve attached the link below. You can see why l describe it as ghostly. You feel like you don’t really exist. Hth

www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depersonalization-derealization-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20352911

And l would say it is most likely to happen when you are in a calm period.

When you are in a stressful period, the brain would switch to red alert to keep you safe, so you could act fast.

Yes I’ve had this since childhood. I could be doing something completely normal - like lying in bed and then reach out to switch out the light and at that moment feel completely detached from reality. It starts as a hot feeling in my stomach and then rises and spreads. Physically I know now that’s adrenaline and an oversensitive amygdala and nervous system.

It’s hard to describe but I also had what I suppose you’d call existential dread, thinking about the complete weirdness of being human and living on this rock in the middle of vast nothingness and feeling utterly panicked by it all. From being quite small. I think I must have watched something on telly about the universe, it still freaks me out now to think of it but I guess I’m not alone - religion provides an answer for many.

I have OCD which I’m learning is probably a response to wanting to control or limit that feeling.

Brains are amazing! And also strange and frightening.

I have ADHD but have never experienced the type of feeling you describe.

If you were emotionally neglected as a child, could this feeling of 'homesickness' have been a deep desire for emotional connection?

Yes! I've never told anyone about it because it seemed so weird – and homesick is EXACTLY the word I use for it with myself. It starts in the top of my stomach by my solar plexus and radiates out, and then I feel ever so slightly teary, and then like I've floated out of the top of my head for a few seconds.

No idea what it is, but I'm relieved someone else knows the sensation!

How do you resolve it?

I’ve had this throughout my life and had a similar neglected childhood. It’s caused by severe anxiety and is flight response for our mind. You need to find ways to live in the moment / be more present - try buddhist mindfulness techniques. Focus on your breathing for a few seconds, try naming all the colours you see, or do the 5 senses awareness where you try to monitor what you see, hear, feel for a few minutes..

Thank you everyone for your helpful input.
It’s strangely comforting to know this is a shared experience.
I haven’t tried trauma therapy but I may look in to it. I’ve avoided that type of thing because I always thought I didn’t experience trauma as in - I’ve never had a sudden horrific experience but rather a succession of things in my life that have made me feel unsafe and uncared for as a child.
There’s clearly work to be done for me and it makes me sad in some ways as when I look back at how I felt as a child - I was probably experiencing the anxiety and sadness that I have as an adult.
I have a book regarding Buddhist mindfulness techniques but never finished it @GrumpyHoonMain your comment has given me a push to read it properly. Thank you.

I never thought l has trauma either.

I had a tumultuous childhood. My df tried to kill himself when l was 4 and died when l was 8. The ramifications on the rest of the family were profound and led to 8 or 9 years of problems

It took a pyschiatrist to point out to me that l needed trauma counselling and the traumas of my childhood had led to a life time of anxiety and depression.

I never felt safe either, although l knew l was loved, the upheavals were so huge that it left me scared of everything.

@TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince
Thanks for your response and I’m sorry you went through that, it sounds really difficult.
Did you actually have trauma therapy once your psychiatrist pointed this out and if so did it make a difference to how you felt?
I’ve been researching trauma therapists this afternoon.
My depression is manageable but I do have some really shitty days still and I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone in my personal life about this.

Yes similar, OP.
I was emotionally neglected with a horrendously critical mother who placed crazy expectations on me.
I remember feeling maybe nauseous and having some kind of mental health issues like you describe.
I remember calling them 'seizures' although they were not really that.
I remember hoping I didn't have another. Could have been a panic attack or at least a feeling of doom.
I still suffer now but am getting the right help from a Buddhist centre.
I was a very scared child and had night terrors accompanying other things.
You're not alone.
I recommend 'Peg Streep' and 'I am enough' by Marisa Peer available on Amazon.

I haven’t had it yet!!! I did pay for EMR which was good but couldn’t afford it.

I was trying to say how l didn’t think l had a trauma. I’m 56, the pyschiatrist pointed it out in June. No one had ever identified it as that before. But he was adamant. I never knew until then.

I have anxiety and depression. Sometimes manageable, sometimes not. Currently in a ‘not’ stage atm. Off work and just cannot deal with Covid😞

Hello OP,
I had the same experience as a child and bizarrely, experienced an almost identical feeling when breastfeeding my babies in recent years.
When breastfeeding it’s called Dysphoric milk ejection reflex and is linked to a sudden drop in dopamine, which would tie in perfectly with those on the thread saying it links to their ADHD.
I had a stressful emotionally fraught childhood. Stress is one known cause of low dopamine.
I went on to have depression on my teens and have struggled on and off since then. I too am exploring Mindful Self-Compassion resources at the moment.
Such an interesting thread and amazing to hear your experience so closely describe my own.

Oh and I remember trying to describe the horrible homesick weirdness I felt to my emotionally unavailable mother, telling her “It feels like... I don’t love you or something” and she cried🤷‍♀️

Oh my god. I had this regularly as a child. Manic depressive father and not particularly happy home life. I’ve never seen anyone put a name to it before or seen any kind of explanation for it so thanks for this as it explains a lot.

I had a very detached feeling as a child. I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact I was real. I always felt like I was detached from real life. I would breakdown and cry a lot!

I would also react badly to ascending sounds and have “seizures” and a tearful breakdown.

I am now suffering from extreme anxiety / panic disorder (since May).

I had never connected the two but now am wondering if they’re related.

Suspected aspergers too.