I feel so low

[Theycallmemum]

Lately I feel so low like I don't matter to anyone and like I'm just invisible I haven't got anyone to speak to and I just feel like I don't matter.
I'm a mum to 3 and have had a relationship with their dad since I was 16 so 13 years. We have split up on a few occasions but never more than a couple of months apart. Since December last year he's changed everything is an argument. He says things about my appearance or says I'm lazy and I do nothing (I work full time and I do all school runs housework etc) he goes to college 3 days a week rest of the time he plays xbox and screams at anyone who interupts him and says he needs peace and quiet I've tried to ask him to maybe see a doctor about anger management but he says he's fine and it's me that makes him that way. When he gets mad he throws things he screams in mine and the kids faces he hits my dog. I just don't know what to do anymore I feel like I walk on eggshells I'm too scared to speak about anything even just day to day stuff. A bit personal here but if I ask to have sex with him he says I'm desperate and always acting like I have something to prove. I like to have sex with him because it's the only time I feel close to him it's the only time he tells me he loves me. I know everyone will say to separate but I don't want to split from him and hurt my kids because no matter what I always end up the bad one

You don't sound ready to leave yet but perhaps you can contact your GP and tell her what's going on. Book a double appointment if possible and let her know about the situation at home as well as your low feelings.

You may find talking to a domestic abuse charity useful to help clarify things to yourself. Many people in abusive relationships are in denial and just see it as a need for anger management when it's beyond that. You can find your local DV services here or do an online search: 'Domestic Abuse Help Barnsbury' or wherever you live. Your local council website should also have information on who to contact. Refuge have a chat service where you can talk anonymously online if you think that would help.

The first step though is a Dr appointment to talk about your low feelings and take it from there.

I have spoke to Dr before and they just put me on tablets that make me groggy and tired. I'm allergic to a few antidepressants as well so I have to be careful what I take. Some days are good and others aren't. There is days I feel like he genuinely cares others it seems like he just wants me to feel incredibly low. I've normally always been such a strong person and independent but I was attacked round the corner from my home while out early morning looking for my cat who had run away and ever since I feel I'm not even me anymore I barely sleep. I have nightmares and panic attacks and it's been a crap year let's be honest for everyone. If I even show the slightest hint of being upset or my eyes tear up I'm called pathetic and teaching my children to be weak and babies. Every day I think about making him leave telling him I can't do this anymore but then I don't I muster all the strength then the words just never come out. It's not even like he hits me or anything just mentally I feel very broken.

OP go back to your Dr and speak to her as advised. ADs aren't the only route here. It sounds like you're suffering from PTSD.

Call Anxiety UK as they offer cheap therapy if you're low on funds. They also have lots of info on their website.

You might find EMDR helpful for the attack and a medication called beta blockers that can help with the panic attacks.