Not okay - help/advice about meds

[flipperdoda]

I am really struggling. It's due to covid - surprise surprise - but I just feel like I'm sinking into a pit of fog.

Mid twenties, live alone, secure job, good friends and family. In lots of ways I'm really lucky and it makes it hard to speak up about all this, but I haven't been able to focus for months (books/films/work), my sleep is messed up, motivation is low, I go through bursts of making sure the washing up is done/changing my sheets/cleaning/cooking new food then something really minor comes up (that before I would have just sorted out and carried on) and it totally throws me.

I don't want to sound defeatist in advance, but I prioritise my sleep (not much else to do in the evenings right now!), I have a weekly walk and chat with a friend and chat to others in the rest of the week, I exercise regularly and get fresh air, I eat home-cooked meals (and then crap, this is my main downfall), I try every bloody day to follow good habits and look on the positive side and be grateful.

And it does work - for a short period of time. When I'm speaking to friends I'm happy and laughing and feel like me... and within 10 mins of being off the phone/video call I'm back to feeling numb and wondering what the point in life is. It's not that I don't want to live - I just go through periods of finding it really bizarre that people seem to be enjoying their lives and have aims and goals... I've in all likelihood got 50+ years and in those periods of time I don't see the point.

I recognise this is due to loneliness and isolation due to living alone and having been working from home since March. I know there's a reason. Sometimes I can push past with logic and it's okay for a few days/weeks, but overwhelmingly I am just not feeling okay. It's not like I can change my living situation and I'm limited with regular social contact for obvious reasons.

I've got as far as ringing my GP to talk about this but it was really hard to get to that point and they didn't pick up any of the three times I called. Then I went through a better phase...and now I'm back to not better, at all.

I've been reading a bit on here and seen lots of complaints about medication making people feel numb - I'm really worried about this because my main problem is I already feel numb (I'm not totally jumping the gun, a friend who feels very similarly has been prescribed anti depressants). Also they wouldn't prescribe to friend until they spoke to her husband due to him needing to keep an eye out for possible side effects. I live alone! How does this work?! I need to not feel numb, and I'm terrified about having horrible side effects and feeling worse with nobody really around to keep an eye on me.

Also thank you to anyone who reads. I have spoken to a couple of people about this, but it's difficult and it tends to only be once I've come out of the fog into a better period - it's very hard to admit to just how down I'm feeling when I'm in a bad patch, even though I don't understand WHY it's so hard - I think it's because I know at the moment there's nothing that anyone can really do and I don't want them worrying about me.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I feel fine so I know I'm lucky but even I have found myself pondering the meaning of life.. What am I doing with my life. What's the point etc etc. I know this is because usually we're on autopilot rushing about from work to the gym, travelling, going out etc. I think it is because of all this time to think... It doesn't do most people any favours.

I suppose what I'm saying is don't beat yourself up and its understandable to feel messed up with all this going on. Definitely speak to your doctor and get medication. I don't know why your friend's doc said her husband would need to keep an eye on her.. I don't think that's usual for antidepressants.

I wish you all the best and remember this crappy time will pass x

Please look at self help CBT - lots of great resources online such as this one; www.getselfhelp.co.ukdocs/SelfHelpCourse.pdf

It'll help you understand the connection between thoughts and feelings and how you can help yourself to break the negative cycle.

HTH

Oh p.s. I know two friends on antidepressants and they love them.. They don't seem to be numb at all.. They call them their happy pills. Think they're called citaplam or something like that. They seem to have done them the world of good after the initial period of side effects when starting them x

You do need to contact your GP. It may be that medication isn’t what they recommend for you anyway. I had CBT over the phone. I was also offered online help and a list of reading that could help.
I have found the right anti depressant. It’s been a game changer for me. But it can take a while to find what’s right for you.
Good luck OP.

Mondaymanic thank you. Your first sentence made me tear up so clearly I'm not numb all the time

I'm generally really really good with time to myself but I agree, I've just got far too much of it now and it's not a good thing at the moment.

Thanks for the info about the 'happy pills' I'm just terrified of it getting worse before it gets better.

Sarahlou63 thank you, I have just started to have a look at that

I'm sorry you're feeling like this 🌷

Have you considered moving in with someone? Family/friends, but you could just knock on a strangers door 🤣. As a single person you could 'bubble' with them.

Sorry, I can't help with medication.

BestOption I have considered moving back to my parents' but there's a sibling more in need than me at the moment - it doesn't mean I can't if I really really needed to, but I'm not super thrilled about the idea anyway. A lot of the things that do make me (even briefly) happy are here - running, weekly friend meeting, local walks, cooking - my life is here, even if it's tough at the moment.

There's not really any other friends I could move in with, though it's a nice idea - not many mid twenty year olds have extra space unfortunately and my older local friends mostly have young children.

I am bubbled with a friend but she's about an hour away (London - so an hour isn't as far/ridiculous as it may sound), we see each other every couple of weeks but it's not the same as living with someone obviously. She has actually just moved and I don't think is eligible to bubble with me any longer so I'm considering (after a break, to ensure no possible symptom carrying) asking the friend I see weekly if I could bubble with her.

I may not take up the 'knock on a stranger's door and ask to move in with them' idea!!

Hi op, you are doing the right thing in speaking up, there is no shame and your GP will have heard it a lot. What about talking to family daily?

Please don't worry about medication making you feel numb. My advice would be start on a low dose to minimise side effects. I ended up staying on the low dose. I still cry, feel frustrated, have to give myself a talking to, but I can think, I can mentally put one foot in front of the other and feel like I can get through however long this lasts. Maybe I would be ok without it but it helps.

Citalopram, what I am taking, helps with with focus and motivation.

Thanks, NameAChange - I've made an appointment with the doctor, I had a sudden thought this morning that some of my symptoms line up with B12 deficiency (which I've had before and been previously treated for) which bizarrely made the call to make an appointment way easier. I'll see if I can have a blood test to rule that out first since it's a known previous issue. If it's not that, I'll talk to them about what they suggest - meds or not - and my worries.

Thanks for the push and support, everyone!