Lower than low.

[AllFakeSmiles]

Sorry have changed my name for this as i am ashamed by it all.

Life has become so hard, everyday is a struggle.

I am so unhappy, dh is unhappy everything in our life is wrong apart from our 2 wonderful children.

I am a sahm, i can cope with the kids, i can keep the house under control, i can even go to the school gates and smile & chat as if life is so so normal but underneath i am crushed, life is falling apart and i feel under strain.

We have debts not loads but still every penny dh earns goes on debts, can't even afford to buy a coat, i used to have the money side of things under control, ok we never had loads of money but we could afford a few little things.

We have nothing no house, no money nothing.

I feel trapped, so trapped i am feeling suffocated, i go to bed hoping one morning i won't wake up, selfish? yes i know but i just can not help feeling this way.

I think dh's life & my childrens would be so much more better & happier without me, all i do is nag.

I did have pnd after i had my last child, i did get help but i felt abandoned by the doctor and health visitor so i gave up, i probably still have pnd but i refuse to get help from these people because i feel they never helped me last time round.

Dh has upset me recently because he has lied & decieved me, it hurt in fact it hurt like mad, i tried to cover it up and carry on but deep down i am wounded by it.

What can i do? i feel so desperate, selfish, worthless and hopeless all rolled into one i just want to give up.

Where do you live sweetheart? Do you rent a house? Have you looked for somewhere cheaper?

I can only advise you do go back, maybe see another doctor?

Have you talked to dh about the lying? Does he know how you feel?

We live in rented accomodation, we can't get any cheaper our rent is the rate for the area we are in.

I have spoken to dh last night about it, he said he did not know, i just feel he thought i would just forgive and forget but it has been so so hard to live through.

I just feel sad utterly sad, i try so so hard i keep smiling through it all, no one would know because it is all a front i put on but i am finding it harder and harder to deal with.

If this is life i really don't want to be in it.

Sounds as though several issues are getting you down and perhaps you need an opportunity to talk each one through. As much as it is a huuuuge effort when you feel low, appointments with people like your GP, Relate, and CAB might give you back a feeling of control so that you feel more on top of things and able to joy life a bit more.

the life without you would never be better for your childrren or for your dh allfakesmiles.
to me, you are very strong because you are able to put a smile on your face how ever you are upset inside. many people wouldnt be able to do that.
i believe you can achieve anything.
do you have family, friends around?
do you go out as family, you dont have to spend too much money for that.
some kind of voluntary or part time work would make you feel better maybe-i know its hard to find a suitable work like that. but it would take your mind of things a bit.
wish you all the best.

GET SOME HELP you do not deserve to feel like this. Go to the doctors on monday, go to A&E if you can't wait. The samaritans are good, call them, they can point you in the right direction. My HV was useless,she told me i was clinically depressed but i would feel better if i ate regularly . Some people have no idea, usually the ones who havent been there. That was two years ago and im only just getting help now. You cannot help feeling like this but you can do something to help yourself and your family. Go to the doctors, demand counselling or psychiatric assesment, depends on your area. Start with meds, mine have changed, if not saved my life.

You dont give any reasons for why you feel like this, perhaps there arent any - there are no hard and fast rules with depression, but there is help out there, you have to be persistent.

The next time you think that life would be better for your family without you, picture your children visiting your grave, taking flowers and trying to talk to you - they will feel it is worthless, ive lost my father i know how they would feel, you do not want that for your childrein i promise you.