Ex needs help - who's responsible

[Catworrier]

So asking for a friend who isn't on mums net. Let's call her Louise

She recently broke up with her now ex due to him cheating with escorts and going on dates with ex's and flirting with girls online.

He has mental health issues and is apparently seeing a councillor. He keeps asking Louise to meet him and have a chat to help him get over it. The problem with this is that it's reoccurring and he just wants to chat again a couple of weeks later.

For context they still rent a home together but Louise has moved out and living with family. Still paying rent but has removed her things from the house. So no need to go back. He is still living there.

She knows she shouldn't go back and chat to him as it will happen again. But he keeps holding his mental health issues against her, using it as blackmail. She's worried he might attempt to kill himself.

What can we do? Has anyone had to deal with this in the past?

He's manipulating her. She should just block his number. (Unless they have kids together and they can't).

She also needs to extricate herself from the lease on the house.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but he has a councillor already. She should not be guilted into that role.

He cheated and treated her so badly that she has left him. She needs to prioritise her mental health.

It sounds as if he is using his apparant mental health issues to control her.
He could well be making it all up.
If she is not married she can run as far away as possible. If married, she can still do that but needs legal advice asap.

I would think that this constant contact will expend any issues that are related to breaking up. Not good. He has support and needs to use that and not her.

Threatening suicide is considered abusive if it's trying to control another person.

She's not married and no kids. He's told her she needs to attend therapy sessions with him to help him.

I'm not sure I believe any of this.

He's his own responsibility. They aren't in a relationship anymore so she should leave him to get on with counselling himself. His cheating ended the relationship, he's now manipulating her by playing the victim. She should end contact because he'll keep putting pressure on her.

I'm in the same boat - was almost separated from my abusive husband, but he went missing after threatening to kill himself. I foolishly contacted him trying to see if he's ok, and now I'm responsible for him. He said he'll get better 'with my help' he's a manipulative, calculating, narcissistic bastard and any crumb they get is a means of getting back in and I'm back to square one.
I would strongly advise your friend to get off the tenancy and block his pathetic ass. How dare he use her empathy for his own use. He will never change, he will promise the world but soon as his feet are under the table he will revert to type. She knows he's bad news, if it didn't work she has to make peace with herself. If he kills himself that's his choice, but I can bet on my life that he's using this as a form of control.
She must block him and stop meeting him, he's a complete and utter fucktard trying all the tricks in the book to hoover her back in. Sorry but I'm really angry for her. What a piece of shit he is.

And get her to join Mumsnet, it's helped me massively.

The Police will attend and do a welfare check if he threatens suicide. She can point out to him that she will have to ring 999 if he discloses to her that he wants to do anything drastic.

I had similar. She needs to look after her own mental health. It sounds harsh but it’s another way to coerce and control by continuing to make her responsible for his wellbeing — even to the point of holding her ransom / accountable for his death should be choose to harm himself. She needs to unhook.

“The Police will attend and do a welfare check if he threatens suicide. She can point out to him that she will have to ring 999 if he discloses to her that he wants to do anything drastic.”

He is an ex for a reason, she needs to strong, she is not responsible for his mental health and his requests are not reasonable. She is not helping herself or him by continuing to meet with him.

I sent her the link to this thread. I think she will end up joining mumsnet.
Her responses is "I love these mums!" And she had no idea it was manipulation until reading these responses. (I know, we told her the same thing. But sometimes it takes strangers saying the same thing to reinforce it)

She's super strong. She won't go back to him, I know that for sure. But he needs to put his big boy pants on and deal with this alone.

It's not that he can't deal with it alone, it's that he is using this as a tool to control her.

@user15412486546 very true. Before we found out he did this to her we all used to help him. He's a controlling man/boy

Christ almighty.

She never has to see him again. She never has to go to a therapy session with him. He’s being a manipulative prick. His MH issues are nothing to do with her and she has zero responsibility.

If he tries to kill himself, that will be absolutely nothing to do with her.

Block.

Even if both of them know she'll never go back to him, he's stopping her from moving on, enjoying being single or meeting someone else. He fucked up the relationship, he can deal with the fallout. She can skip off into the sunset without an ounce of guilt and I hope she does.

This is pure emotional terrorism. He is trying to manipulate her, that's all. She needs to stop communicating with him entirely.

If he's feeling suicidal he can contact the crisis team at the nearest mental health hospital.

using it as blackmail

Cricky, for that reason alone, I would absolutely not be prepared to attend. Anyone who tells me what I have to do is going to find out what happens when I don't do it.

Be thankful no DC and mortgage in common. Buy herself out of the lease sharpish.

I might fudge and say about in the best interest to move on. It really is not in their best interests either

Anyone who thinks differently really does not have their own best interests at heart. If anything, it's providing false comfort and prolonging the process.

Basically, don't give in to blackmail. All the best. Extricate yourself first.

p.s. don't be too surprise when he latched on to someone else PDQ. It's not about you as a person, it's just anyone who doesn't immediately extricate themselves.