I’ve had a meltdown. DH has had take the day off work to look after me and the baby. It started with having lost my favourite outfit for him - I’ve spent literally hours searching the house and it’s not anywhere. It’s new and I loved it and I’m so sad. It sounds so stupid but I get fixated on things that I’ve lost or broken and I really can’t cope with it all. I get so stressed even months afterwards. I think this is a lot due to my autism but I just don’t know how to deal with it. I’m also on mat leave and it’s awful - there’s nothing on. I came away from Facebook as it was making me feel worse and now I realise I’ve missed all the paid classes I could have taken him to. They sell out literally in minutes and only advertise their booking times on Facebook. I have to go back to work soon as we can’t afford for me to have more time off. My industry has gone down the pan due to Covid and the little I can do is online which I don’t cope well with, again due to the autism.
I just feel so helpless. I’m trying to hide it form the kids but I’m scared that the part of my brain that makes me have the meltdown will make me hurt the baby if he cries. I love him so much and I don’t want to hurt him but I’m scared of holding him. I don’t even know what this is classed as - I’ve been doing so well so far and I don’t think it’s PND as it’s happened before. I don’t even know what I’d say to a doctor. I feel like the autism is a big part of it but I don’t know what to do about any of it. DH can’t stay off work again and my mum will just worry if I ask her for help and that’ll make me feel worse.