Trying to get on with it

[Silenteyes]

I've followed this talk for a while but been afraid to post or comment and say how I feel, it seems so trivial to everything else going on.
Lockdown has been hard, I live nowhere near family and felt quite alone. I witnessed a traumatic crime during lockdown and then literally fell apart feeling like I had no support network. I couldnt sleep, I couldnt talk about it, I was constantly on guard all the time which was exhausting. I eventually plucked up the courage to speak to the GP and was prescribed medication, I also accessed a CBT course.
So I have all this in place but I am still struggling. The only thing keeping me above water is moving house. This is stressful too, so the thoughts and nightmares about the crime have now been replaced with fear and dread of having to live here forever.
I am still fighting the temptation to just run away.
The thought of another lockdown, or that it may affect our move is making me really anxious.
I am getting up every day and smiling, trying to stay positive but really I feel that I am just clinging on by my fingertips.

You're doing everything right. But is your GP providing follow up support? It can take time to get medication right and counselling takes time and effort too. You need to tip the balance where you feel good just enough and confident you'll feel good again for some of your day, and it's normal to find that hard. I'm not sure what to say other than talk to your GP again. You're really not alone feeling like this.

I havent got follow up support from the GP but I know I can ring and he did mention that the medication could be increased, maybe that might help.
It is hard to admit I am still struggling. I get really cross and think I should be over this by now. I've always though of myself as resilient but I seem stuck at the moment.

You probably are very resilient. But you're unwell. You wouldn't expect your resilience to fix a broken leg or get you through flu faster etc.

It's not your fault and thinking you 'should' be able to magic yourself better just shows you're blaming yourself for being unwell. My counsellor told me that in his experience people who are usually strong and resilient fall hard when they get sick. It's confusing and goes against what they believe about themselves.

But getting better is a process. And involves being kind to yourself and finding ways to find what makes you happy, comforted and safe again.

Thank you for being kind. That does makes sense. I am not honest when it comes to emotions and put on a brave face, probably why it's easier to admit it on here.

I am so worried about a lockdown and not being able to move out of the area. For myself and my family we need to move, every day I am reminded of the situation we have been put in. I am trying to swap the negative thoughts with positive ones, or rationalizing them but when life seems against you it's hard.

Taking the medication was massive for me, talking about mental health is massive for me. Sympathies for everyone who suffers, never really understood it but I now have a small insight into how people can suffer.