How do I stop being so needy

[Ohsoneedy]

I’ve name changed for this.
I’m after some help and advice on my relationship with my therapist. I’ve been having sessions with a psychotherapist for just over a year now. We are working on some hard things and I finally feel like I can trust her and we have built up a good working relationship. However, I find that I am getting more reliant on her support and am finding that in between sessions I look for support from her. She is happy to give this and will text me or reply to my texts or she will call and support me if I let her know I’m really struggling. I do appreciate her support so much. She texts me little encouragements and positive thoughts throughout the week and reminds me that she is thinking of me. I find it hard because I have major trust issues and I find myself trusting her completely and so much so that when my treatment is finished, I am not going to have her anymore and I think I’m going to find this really hard. She is one person who treats me with respect and dignity in a way I haven’t been treated for a long time. How do I stop myself feeling so reliant on her but still continue to have a relationship with her where therapy works. It is long term therapy and she says we could potentially be working together for a number of years. How do I find a balance?

I'm assuming it may be cos the OP is paying for it?

The messaging between sessions is really inappropriate. It doesn't matter if she's paying for the service, ultimately it's causing harm: the lack of firm boundaries makes it less of a safe space, plus the most addictive response (and no therapist should be encouraging addiction/dependence) is an inconsistent one :-s

I pay for Private therapy with a DBT therapist and I can contact her during the week. That’s the DBT way.

She always replies to my texts and it makes me feel very supported. However, little texts so you know she’s thinking of you? Hugely stepping over boundaries and definitely encouraging a dependence on her. I’ve been in therapy for a decade and never come across this.

PS. Don't feel bad for not having thought about boundaries - that's supposed to be her job, not yours! If she's at all worth her salt, she should be able to handle you bringing this up with her. Good luck and let us know how it goes

@Ohsoneedy

I’m surprised at how many are saying no contract between sessions. I guess I haven’t really given much thought to the boundaries.

I have a similar amount of contact with my therapist between sessions although ours is generally via email or social media. I do have his number but I've never needed to use it. But it's something that we have discussed (and I know he's discussed it in supervisions) and all the other therapists in the clinic he works in are the same - it's one of their selling points. I think it's worth bringing it up if you're finding it difficult. There are times when I've said that I'd rather he didn't contact me for whatever reason and that's always been fine, ditto taking a break for a few weeks/months if I feel like I need some distance.

When it’s time to stop having sessions with her I would wean myself off her.

ie if you go currently once a week and she texts twice in between sessions I’d be saying to her just one text this time between sessions thanks.

Sessions can also be extended from once a week to once every ten days, once you are confident with the reduced texts situation.

It’s just giving you longer without her but knowing she is still seeing you for your appointment even if it’s a bit longer to wait.

You can adjust the number of texts too until they are at a level that suits you.
Re appointments then go from every ten days appointments to fortnightly etc until you are seeing her once a month or something.

You are paying so providing you have the money you can call the shots.

Really inappropriate imo to allow contact in between sessions

It needs to be stopped

Also with my therapist it was discussed that I couldn't contact them unless it was to change appointment time (and that had to be within their work times, not out of hours) because they cannot be responsible if I was to be in a MH crisis and messaging all sorts, when they are with someone else and it's not their duty out of our allocated time. I understand mine may be difficult as it's NHS, so there's more backup if you need to speak outside sessions.

*different

I also believe it is unusual for your therapist to message you between sessions unless it is a peculiarity if the type of therapy you are having.

@MajesticWhine that link was very helpful, thank you. From reading that, I think what she’s doing is okay but what would have been better would have been to have a discussion about this first. I like the idea of weaning myself off appointments and contact. She doesn’t know the way it’s making me feel so perhaps if I tell her, she might suggest we review our contact between sessions.

I have an appointment on Friday so will talk about it then.

Sounds like a plan OP. She’s the one who is best placed to advise. She needs to know you are feeling like this.

Perhaps it’s because you have a fear of being let down by anyone you trust and that’s kicking in now you trust her and making you scared of being let down again.

I don’t know if it’s a ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’ situation. As in trust her and when you are ready wean off then. Not now as you are just learning to trust again and you need to experience this? You could ask her?

I know it sounds cheesy but does she have a YouTube or Facebook page with her doing meditation exercises or anything? In between sessions could it be helpful for you and her other clients to have somewhere they can click on a link and see her and hear her going through a meditation or relaxation exercise so they can relax at home and do it along with her? Really helpful for bad days or when you can’t seem to get to sleep etc?

I don’t know if that’s a bad idea and could create more reliance on her. Just thinking outside the box of a resource that could be there when you need her so you know it’s there and you can get access to it whenever you want. So if the texts reduce you could still have something to help you relax if needed once you space out your sessions a bit more? A backup plan.

Apologies if that’s not a good idea. I know what it’s like to look forward to the reassuring regular sessions (with in my case a counsellor) and what it feels like when they get further apart. You can do it, and although a bit discombobulating at first as the next appointment seems so far away (3 days in reality if you go from 7 to 10 day gaps) but it gets easier, but it does feel a bit like you’re on your own for longer.

Perhaps I felt like that because my sessions ended too soon due to the charity funding only allowing eight (and I got some more as I was a mess), but perhaps people who pay find it easier to distance as they are in control and can wean off at a pace that suits them, also knowing if a difficult time is approaching that an extra session just to get you through would help (times like say a witness at court, funeral, meeting a trigger person etc, whatever sets someone off and you know it’s happening in a certain date etc).

@Elieza that is a really helpful response. You are right... I’m just learning to trust. She doesn’t have a YouTube or any social media but I wonder if I just read through old responses and encouragements that I have from her, that would fill a gap and remind me of helpful techniques etc.

I think its really important to discuss it. I had this and I coped so badly I ended up going back for 2 more sessions (to the max of 8). The main thing I learned from my therapy is a little bit of discomfort is ok. Maybe you can ask her to taper off her support so you can experience going it alone more.

I wonder why people put a limit on the number of sessions. Everyone is different and heals in different ways over different amounts of time. How can therapists be sure that a person is ready to end after a set number of sessions.

Some types of therapy are meant to be time limited rather than open ended. For example CBT usually has some quite specific goals and is usually less than 20 sessions, in fact often much less than that. Whereas some types of psychotherapy are intended to be open-ended, have very broad goals and are deeply exploratory and therefore could go on for years, eg Jungian analysis. Of course that's expensive and a big commitment so that can be a factor. Many people cannot afford long term therapy. So setting a limit makes it affordable and can focus the mind towards achieving more.
As a therapist you cannot know for sure if it's the right time to end, but you have to come to that agreement together with the client.

NHS therapy is often time-limited for funding/availability reasons.

OP
I often wonder this myself. I don't think ending ever feels "fine" - because it is a very painful loss.

Often the real work is in the ending - facing the loss with the help of the therapist and being able to internalise her as a voice you can take with you down your life. Rather than just being so upset and angry about the end that you just figuratively throw away the work you've done together.

Like when people are dying, the ending phase of the therapy can be where the real growth takes place. Sometimes you need the end in order to do the work.

I suppose what I am saying is you don't necessarily "get better" and THEN decide "ok its time to end".

You can need the end in order fo feel better and much of the growth takes place in the ending phase and after it.

I am seeing an alternative therapist on zoom and we’ve had about 20 sessions so far. In the last couple of sessions we have started discussing my progress and how to proceed....... she expressed quite clearly that if she’s done her job properly in Helping me in building up my confidence and healing old traumas then I shouldn’t need to see her any more. But that we could phase down to every other week then once a month etc. And then we could always do adhoc booster sessions As and when needed.
We only text to cjinform or change appointments. She might send me links or notes about things we’ve discussed but we don’t have any other contact really

@Bumpsadaisie that is a really useful way to look at it.
I had my appointment today and we discussed how I felt. She said that for the time being, it is okay for me to feel reliant on her and right more it’s okay for her to offer me a little extra support - however, I should feel the need to contact her or to hear from her less and less as I heal. She said just to b relax and trust her and to let her manage our boundaries. She said she is providing what I have needed in the past but have not had and that doing that can help me heal. I should need it less as time goes on. She has said that if I continue to worry or struggle with our relationship then we can review how we work.
I feel happier after discussing this and also it’s good to know I’m not the only one to Struggle like this.

This response makes me feel a bit uneasy. Though on the surface it might be reassuring to be told to just relax and trust her, what she's actually done is invalidate your (very valid!) unease about the situation and use her position of power to dismiss your concerns and tell you what she thinks you need. But the point of humanistic/person-centred therapy is to centre and validate you and your experience - can you see how she's sidelined that, however nicely? You sound satisfied for the moment but keep an eye on this - if something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.

This response makes me feel a bit uneasy. Though on the surface it might be reassuring to be told to just relax and trust her, what she's actually done is invalidate your (very valid!) unease about the situation and use her position of power to dismiss your concerns and tell you what she thinks you need. But the point of humanistic/person-centred therapy is to centre and validate you and your experience - can you see how she's sidelined that, however nicely? You sound satisfied for the moment but keep an eye on this - if something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.

@Firefretted

This response makes me feel a bit uneasy. Though on the surface it might be reassuring to be told to just relax and trust her, what she's actually done is invalidate your (very valid!) unease about the situation and use her position of power to dismiss your concerns and tell you what she thinks you need. But the point of humanistic/person-centred therapy is to centre and validate you and your experience - can you see how she's sidelined that, however nicely? You sound satisfied for the moment but keep an eye on this - if something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.

Exactly this! I kept coming back to op last message as I didn’t sit right with me!

She’s not really taken on board your wishes or upset emotions .i would have preferred her to acknowledge that you’ve expressed a Wish to have a boundary in place and to respectfully follow that.
It’s not up to a therapist to decide what your boundaries are!

I think op has done really well in expressing their concerns to the therapist as I’ve been in similar scenarios and (for better or for worse) just stopped going . Maybe as I hate conflict or maybe my gut instinct was screaming at me to GTFO

Good luck!