Good afternoon lovely ladies, I hope you are both ok. Sorry that I didn't manage to reply yesterday.
@GoldfishParade Thank you for your long comment, I do love getting to know more about how other people are managing to live with this and how they think they have ended up in this position.
I have always been someone who cares too much what other people think. I try to be 'perfect' in everything I do & I set myself up for failure because my expectations are too high. I have issues with the way I view my face and body and I go to great lengths to hide away some of my worst 'flaws'. I have read into this and come back with body dismorphia and perfectionism, both MH conditions and linked to anxiety/panic attacks/OCD. I am a massive over-thinker and I always tend to focus on the worst-case scenario. My brain becomes very obsessive over things which is usually not helpful! I wouldn't say I suffered with anxiety, not proper anxiety with symptoms, until August 2019. Before then I'd always worry about things, and I'd feel stressed quite often, but that was just how I rolled and it wasn't a problem. In August I had my first panic attack and that started the vicious circle for me. I didn't initially know what it was, but that feeling of not being able to breath scared the life out of me & I was petrified of it happening again. The following 5 days or so were the worst of my life! The anxiety I experienced is indescribable - I was hyperaware of every sound, every thought and every bodily sensation. I had panic attack after panic attack and I really felt like I had lost my mind and needed to be sectioned. I went to my GP & she prescribed propranolol to lessen the effect of adrenaline and calm me down. I only took it for a couple of days and then I stopped as I was already telling myself that the only reason I wasn't experiencing such high anxiety was because the pills were stopping me, and as soon as I stopped I'd be back to square one. I read a book called DARE (written by Barry Mcdonagh) and the anxiety and panic thing clicked into place. Over the following months the general anxiety started to ease, but I couldn't shift the bodily sensations like a racing heart, breathlessness & dizziness. I went bk to the doctor and asked if I could have a blood test to rule out a medical reason for the symptoms as I felt like my anxious mind needed reassurance. Anyway, it turned out that my iron level was scarily low and the GP wondered how I was even managing to get out of bed each day - I was almost at the stage of needing blood transfusions. I started taking iron, whilst using the the DARE method and slowly things improved. Now I feel pretty good and I don't feel like I suffer with anxiety anymore, other than when I am eating of course & occasionally breathing anxiety which I can push away easily. Even though I have the body image issues, the frustrating need to be perfect and a swallowing OCD/fear, I don't think anyone would guess as I hide it well and come across as a normal, decent, respectable human being! I think the severe anxiety and panic attacks were triggered by my low iron as I have read that it can cause psychological problems when it is as advanced as mine was. I've never suffered with depression either even thought I have been through some pretty crappy times.
I think that you could get yourself past the fear of passing out if you read the DARE book. Lots of people fear passing out, but the chances of it happening are so low that you shouldn't let that thought......and it is nothing more than a fearful thought.....make you think that you can't do something, just in case. Honestly, read the book, maybe more than once as it takes a while to sink in. I don't know what to suggest about not wanting to eat on your own as I guess there is more chance of your fear (choking with no-one around to help) happening in this case. I spend most of my day with just my 2yo dd who can't help me if I choke, so I just had to bite the bullet and make myself try. I actually prefer to eat on my own now as it takes away some of the pressure and at least I won't have an audience if I choke to death!
How did you find dinner at the MIL's? Did your wisdom tooth excuse work, or were you not asked? Is you DH supportive of your issues? I used to force myself to go to my dads when we were invited for a Sunday roast, but I found it too stressful and in the end I told him about my swallowing and he hasn't invited us since. I miss out on so much because of this! There's no shame in the mac n cheese btw 😂, it's food, it has some goodness in it and it's practise! I always go for saucy foods as they're a bit easier to manage. Are you okay with liquids then as you mentioned using water to help you get the food down? You've prob already said at some point, but there are too many comments to check back over now.
Wouldn't it be lovely if we could all meet up at some point! We'd prob have to start off with something small like coffee/tea and cake. Could you imagine us in a restaurant..........overstaying our welcome by hours and still having a substantial amount of food leftover at the end 🙈.
@CakesRus3 How did you find yesterday? Do you feel like there has been any improvement at all? Your last comment made me feel like there had maybe been a little bit of an improvement as you said about managing liquidy foods. Keep practising with those, and then maybe try some soft and saucy foods.
I would love to be able to tell you how to distract yourself when you are eating, but the truth is that I haven't found anything that works for me so I can't pass on any helpful advice. What I do, rather than distract myself, is let myself think about the swallowing, but try and reduce the anxiety associated with it. So I'll keep telling myself that I can swallow fine, that there's nothing to be scared of, that I won't choke as there is only a small amount of food etc........just reassuring words going through my head until the swallow happens. Frequently I'll push the chewed food to the back of my tongue and it just sits there at the opening of my throat, feeling like it has gone too far back for me to do anything about it. I know the only way to get rid of it is to swallow, but at that precise moment my swallowing reflex isn't working as it should. I am trying really hard to not let that feeling panic me too much as I know, from all the other times it's happened, that it will go down in the end. When it happens I'm sure I have a look of sheer panic on my face, but no-one seems to notice, even if they are looking at me!
It's all about pushing yourself to keep trying even though it feels hard. You will find that you'll do something which might make swallowing feel a bit easier/smoother, and that will become one of your go-to methods. I mentioned it before, but sometimes I will purposely fidget/move my body position to distract my brain from swallowing. So I might cross my leg over the other leg, or slide my foot on the floor, just quickly, to force my brain to think about something else. Sounds crazy but sometimes it works if I'm really over-thinking a swallow!
How you are feeling atm is completely understandable - it sounds extreme but you are grieving for the life you had before this anxiety. Your life has been turned upside down and right now you don't know if you will ever go back to the life you enjoyed, but you know you desperately want to! Please will you read the DARE book I have mentioned to see if that helps how you see your anxiety and how you are trying to deal with it. A lot of stuff in there makes sense, and there is a method to use when you are experiencing anxious thoughts/sensations and panic attacks. Some of it didn't appeal to me (eg drawing a cartoon character to represent your anxiety) but the diffusing and allowing really helped me. Seeing anxious thoughts and sensations for what they are & realising that the fear of these thoughts and bodily sensations is what keeps anxiety going is the key to overcoming it! You can buy it from amazon for less than a tenner I think.
You are right about your body being in a heightened state at the moment. Your nervous system is sensitized and I imagine it's doesn't take a lot to overwhelm you. Your nervous system can calm down and go back to normal, but it takes time. The DARE book explains all of this, and what you need to do to get it to this stage so try and read it asap. You could try an SSRI for anxiety, but does it ever really get to the root of the anxiety or does it just mask it? It doesn't teach you coping techniques so when you come off of it you'll go back to square one. That's my opinion anyway, but i'm sure it has worked for lots of other people so, if you feel like it would help you, then you should try it. Whatever you decide, be gentle on yourself and know that recovery is possible. It might not be as quick as you would like, but things will definitely get better.
I hope work has gone/is going ok for you today.
Sorry for yet another essay, I hope you two like reading! Take care xx