Some days I don't want to wake up

[Danni290]

I'm really grateful for my life and there is nothing 'wrong' with it from the outside.

I have a really good job, financially stable, loving husband (this isn't a brag I'm just getting you to understand the situation) but yet I still a lot of the time feel sad.

Nothing triggers the sadness I just literally wake up thinking what the fucks the point of all this?

My feelings tend to change at weekends I don't feel as bad at all and feel ok it's generally Monday - Friday.

I've had counselling and also recently diagnosed with a medical condition that causes depression but the condition is now kind of under control though I still have these thoughts.

I'm not thinking of harming myself in any way but do think - would I care if I didn't wake up? Then I come to the conclusion that it would mainly be for the people around me why that would be upsetting and I wouldn't feel like a major loss.

Has anyone else felt like this or been in a similar situation where they were sad even though there's no 'reason' for it and if so what did you do to fix the issue?

I'm trying my best to avoid meds but if anyone has positive experiences then will consider.

Thanks for your help.

I should also add this has nothing to do with lockdown and covid.

Don't get me wrong, it's probably not helping lol but my feelings were this before lockdown.

It's also affecting my marriage, husband is tired of the mood swings and anger. I just don't know what to do.

Hi OP. I think depression can be particular hard when in the eyes of many, the sufferer appears to ‘have it all’. Because it sort of makes the sufferer feel that they have no ‘right’ to feel depressed. It can also make engaging support of any kind really hard too. I think its great that you have already engaged with some therapy — what form is this taking by the way? Please don’t dismiss going to your GP and looking into a low dose of medication. Depression does real harm OP, and the fact that this is now starting to impact your relationships is a worrying development. What meds (if you get the right one) can do is enable you to lift your low mood sufficiently to a point that you feel motivated enough to get up and start re-engaging with activities & to make clear headed decisions. Depression is the thief of decision and inertia, once it sets in can make mental condition spiral. So do go see your GP. Anti depressants need not be forever, but they could help you get back on your feet alongside the right therapy and a daily routine of activities. However, do expect that when you first start on an antidepressant a couple of weeks of even lower mood and some side effects are not unusual. You could also consider St Johns Wort and I’m currently taking Passiflora drops for bouts of sporadic anxiety.....so that’s another thing to consider. Good luck!

I feel for you as the feelings can feel irrational but overwhelming
I had a similar experience but was unwilling to take meds to help.
I found that establishing a routine really helped. (Granted, it's difficult to motivate to start, but genuinely helps)
I'd start the day with a walk, put on headphones & listen to up beat music. Set a schedule for the day & if I found myself overthinking, I do a words search. It sounds daft, but it helps refocus the mind to something other than your thoughts.
Seek support from friends also.
Good luck .. you'll pull through, it just needs patience & support.

I’d second word searches for over thinking / anxiety spikes as well as colouring. Pulling together a day of activities - mix of mundane jobs and treats will really help OP. It’s very hard to dig yourself out but actually only you can make that start for yourself - no one can do it for you.

Thanks so much for your responses. I will Definately try word searches but the other suggestions believe me I've tried everything. I exercise regularly, am very active in fact hate staying in am always meeting friends or family at weekends etc.

Doesn't wash away the feeling - I find it too difficult around work to fit those things in weekdays and my friends are also never available in the week.

I also don't want to live a life reliant on others company to make me happy.

I've tried joining groups for hobbies so much stuff honestly. I honestly don't think ill ever stop feeling sad and that life is pointless.

I can't see how anyone honestly enjoys the mundaine repetitiveness of life. Even those with 'fun' lives.

I honestly just don't get life.

@Danni290....have you considered trying to access some form of group therapy? You come across as terribly isolated by your mental health problem. If you participated in a group therapy, it might surprise you to find out that a lot of people feel as you do. You could try contacting Mind. Also ask for a referral via GP to Mental Health services who might run some group sessions. Please go to your GP though and consider starting with a medication. Nothing is going to be a silver bullet solution, but you often find its a combination of medication / therapy and lifestyle that can start to make change possible. Perhaps ring the GP practise and ask if anyone has a mental health specialism? There is no shame in taking medication, what you are experiencing is an illness and you need help.

@Serengetiqueen thank you so much for this suggestion although I'd be too worried if meet someone there I know. It sounds like a great idea but I'm too private to do that. The job I do would be literally the worst thing if it got out I was attending group therapy.

I just feel horrible. My husband has actually gone away on holiday this week to get away from me. He said he loves me but won't put up with it as I'm treating him unkind. It's literally made my heart ache.

Do you have any option to access private therapy OP? Medical insurance?

Yes I've only ever had counselling private I don't mind paying but I felt I hit a brick wall with it. I have private medical but haven't tapped into that thanks I will see what's covered

I’m going to PM you in a bit.....

Thank you so much @Serengetiqueen