Please or to access all these features

Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

My brother’s MH problems.

9 replies

Thingsthatgo · 21/09/2020 19:48

I know that there is very little I can do to help him, but my brother’s MH issues are breaking my family apart, and breaking my heart.
He has never been diagnosed with anything, because he has no insight into his own problems. He thinks that the rest of the world is the problem. He would never go to the doctor for help.
When we lived together as children/teenagers he displayed symptoms of OCD. He always struggled at school, and with any kind of authority.
He hasn’t had a job for years, and phones me a couple of times a week to tell me what an awful person I am, and lists all the things I have done wrong over the years. He shouts and screams at me, and slams the phone down, and then continues his tirade by text. He very much sees himself as the victim. He does the same thing to my other siblings and our mum, who is in her late 70s.
I know that he struggles from intrusive thoughts, and he often talks to himself. I think he also has extreme paranoia.
Every time I speak to him, I think that maybe, this time, I will be able to say the right thing to be able to help him, but I can’t. He is now threatening to cut all contact, because I won’t apologise for all the wrong things that I have done since we were children. My mum is distressed.
I am not sure why I am posting this really. I am not expecting anyone to be able to help. It is just helpful to write it out.

OP posts:
Snog · 22/09/2020 10:59

This sounds hard.

Why won't you apologise out of interest? Maybe it might help the situation?

Serengetiqueen · 22/09/2020 11:12

Surely any kind of apology from you (justified or not) can be delivered with careful phrasing without compromising your own values. So you could say for example “Brother, I am truly sorry if my behaviour when we were kids made you feel xyz...- please accept my apology” and then draw a line under it. If he wants repeat apologies you just have to say that you’ve apologised and you meant it but these endless demands are achieving nothing.

If he’s talking to himself he’s either desperately lonely or may have a mental health condition that is distressing. Could you investigate on his behalf a sympathetic GP who has an interest in mental health conditions and suggest he visits that GP to discuss???

Snog · 22/09/2020 11:35

How does he cover his living expenses OP? Does he live on JSA? He may be eligible for extra benefits for his mental illness which he would need to engage with a GP to access. Maybe this could motivate him to seek help?

Thingsthatgo · 22/09/2020 14:24

I have tried in the past to acknowledge his feelings and make apologies where I feel it might be justified, but it doesn’t help. He also wants me to apologise for things that I truly believe I did nothing wrong, and I feel it would become a slippery slope of him demanding endless apologies. He seems to want justification that his perception of the world is right, and everyone else is wrong.
I think he is lonely, depressed and anxious and has some other more complex mental health conditions. He lives with his wife, who, I believe, also suffers from some mental health issues, but is employed and supports them both. She sometimes gets in touch to tell me or my mum how bad things are, but will not accept any help or let us visit. I have tried asking her to get help from her family or friends, but she refuses.
Thank you all for responding to me, it is such a relief to me just to be able to talk about it.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 22/09/2020 14:28

I would be going no contact.

Snog · 22/09/2020 14:42

Maybe getting some counselling for yourself would help you to manage this relationship in a healthy and constructive way. The only person you can really change is yourself and how you react to your brother.

giantangryrooster · 22/09/2020 15:18

I'm sorry, I don't think you will find the magic triggering words to make everything okay. He needs more help than you can give. If you want to feel you have done something for him, perhaps you can write to his gp, just to flag him. But he is an adult and married, he has someone.

My advice is to tell him you cannot talk to him until he gets help, tell him, he is ruining relationships and then step back and get councelling yourself.

Thingsthatgo · 22/09/2020 16:23

I know that I won’t find the words to make it all better. I know that I can’t help him or cure him. I am just so desperately worried about him. He feels so abandoned by the world already.
If I write to his gp, will she have to tell him that I contacted her? He would see it as a massive betrayal and it be the end of our relationship.

OP posts:
Thingsthatgo · 22/09/2020 16:26

I agree that counselling for me would really help. I shall look into it, thank you.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page