Worse Feeling Ever

[UsernameAaBb]

Depression, anxiety from personality disorder. OCD, Hoarder & PSTD.

Everyday is SHIT. Near constant intrusive thoughts yet my brain feels empty. Crying frequently throughout the day but feel numb.

Naps & bedtime offer some reprieve though I wake up very anxious. Even drifting off is a struggle as my intrusive thoughts cause anxiety. No confidence, can't make simple decisions. Very low self esteem.

Can't tell anyone the full truth as I'm too embarrassed & ashamed. Have fucked over everyone close to me.
Have done & said so many horrible things I don't deserve any sympathy or empathy.
Feel as though I'm beyond help. Can't see a way out of the utter mess I've made of my life.
Don't want to talk, take medicine, exercise, or try any thing really so I've no desire to get better but want it to stop.

Don't even know why I'm posting really. Just typing, apologies if a bit all over the place, not complete sentences etc.
Feel like no one understands or feels as bad as I do. Not suicidal

You need professional support, not mumsnet. Please ring your GP in the morning

Please ignore @Fast90 that was blunt and unhelpful. You may need professional help but there's nothing wrong with reaching out in other ways.

I have depression, anxiety, BDD and ADHD plus chronic physical ill health. My BDD has been particularly bad recently and have been on and off suicidal for most of the year. Really struggling.

I want to get better though. Why do you say that you don't?

@UsernameAaBb....💐 well at least well done for being brave and coming on a forum and saying what’s going on. You sound like my DD20 who is currently in turmoil (BPD, anxiety, alcohol, eating disorder, self harm) - big outtake of breath! What’s your life situation? Do you have a job any responsibilities? As hard as this may be for you right now OP, I think you need to stop trying to process the bigger macro picture and literally take life day by day. With BPD it’s really hard to separate the illness from the person, but I think that’s what you need to try to do; understand that feeling the way you do is an unfortunate feature of your condition, it’s not because you are in anyway a fundamentally bad person. Step back and accept that the situation and your condition is what it is, you sadly can’t alter that right now. Although please do try to hold hope that many mental health conditions are fully treatable with the right resources and support. Routine and building a day of activities is often a good place to start. Have you considered printing off an A4 planner of activities for yourself? You could include trying to do something for your body, something for your mind, mixing or talking with others. Stick to meal and bedtimes. Try it, look back at a few days and be pleased with the small things you’ve managed to do with your day. See if after a while this mechanism has the power to shift your mood and attitude?

I have bipolar, PTSD and anxiety disorder - I have just come out of my longest, and worst, period of depression and anxiety. I was unable to go out, barely sleeping, permanently terrified and for some time suicidal.
I never thought I would get any better. It was around 7 months of relentless misery and fear.
I'm posting to give you hope. I'm at last on medication that's making a difference. My psychiatrist saved my life. I'm also having EMDR with a psychologist which is definitely starting to help.
I honestly felt the worst I have ever felt in my life and am genuinely amazed that I'm functioning again. I didn't think it was possible.
So please, ring the doctor asap and make sure they know it's very urgent. I really hope you can be referred to a psychiatrist.
I know you're at rock bottom and feeling desperate but take it from one who's so recently been the same, you CAN come out of this and improve.

Hi op, you sound like you are being very hard on yourself. Having experienced bad feelings before, I promise what you are experiencing is your depression and anxiety and you as bad as you feel you are.

I know it feels embarrassing and shameful but whatever state your life is in is not a reflection of who you are, its a reflection of turmoil you are experiencing. It is absolutely the bravest and hardest thing to do to reach out and tell someone but you will be amazed at the kindness of strangers. Whatever you are ashamed of, it feels the worst to you right now, although there will be people who have lived it worse, this doesn't help as when it's you it is the most worst it could be. Whether you have said the worst things or not, this does not mean bridges cannot be built again, the good thing is you recognise ok I let myself down a bit, my behaviour was not what I wanted, but be kind to yourself, we all act in ways we might later regret sometimes, its human. The key thing is focus on you, getting yourself well with professional help. You will then find some courage to make amends and bring more positive things into your life. I am sure there are people who love and care about you. Strangers online care! Right now you don't feel like doing anything about your situation. It's ok to just exist sometimes, but try and do some soothing activities? Listen to music, a podcast like Grief Cast (comedians talking about loss), make something to eat, have a shower. When you feel ready, make a bullet point list of what is going on and call the GP. Willing you on. Unmumsnetty hugs

I’m sorry things are so rough for you right now.