Not sure what's wrong

[ohpleaseyourself]

I just feel pretty low, most of the time.

Work is a little stressful just now, and I'm just feeling like everything is overwhelming. I would really prefer to be on my own and not see anyone. But yesterday I went out with friends and had a good day. Today I feel guilty because I spent too much money and had other things I should have been doing. My friend said she thought I was going to cancel as had told her during the week that I didn't want to see anyone. I've cancelled and cried on her before and I couldn't explain why. Just that I didn't feel myself.

I generally don't like myself and I have been praying to God to make me a better person for the last three months. I feel like I'm such a bitch, no matter how much I try not to be. That's just naturally what I am and I have done some shitty things for which I'm so ashamed.

I feel sick most days when I wake up and just generally dread the day ahead, whatever is planned. The only person I can be bothered to be around is my son. I love my friends and family, but feel like I'm just better off on my own, for their sake and mine.

I've been prescribed propanolol before, to take as when I needed. Never had it again since I finished the batch. I've tried mindfulness. The concentration on the breathing makes me anxious. I know I feel better when I go for a walk. But I just can't motivate myself and haven't been a walk in about 6 weeks. I just want to sleep/curl up on the couch.

I don't really know why I'm posting. Just trying get it all down.

What is wrong with me? Is this just life sometimes?

Can anyone tell me how to get out of this? I don't even know if I can.

It sounds as if you’ve been feeling low for sometime and things have gradually got worse. It’s very difficult to just get yourself out of it and you’ll most probably need some help to do so.
Depression is all consuming and robs you of energy and motivation. From what you’ve written you know what will help you but at the moment it’s hard for you to do it.
I’m glad you saw your friends yesterday, it obviously helped but unless you can no longer pay your bills or you can’t eat this week you’ve nothing to feel guilty for. Doing things for you that makes you feel better is important so please try not to think negatively about it.
I doubt very much you’re a bad person, regardless of what you’ve done. No one is perfect, we’ve all done/said things we shouldn’t.
Please see your doctor and be very honest about how you feel. They may suggest antidepressants which can help to lift your mood so you can start to help yourself. They may suggest talking therapy, (you can self refer), which will help talking things over with someone to get some perspective on things. There is usually a wait but don’t be put off. Take care

Thank you @July56

I will consider calling the doctor. I just don't think I'm ready to talk, to anyone. I just want to be left alone in the hope that I'll come out of it myself. But I know it probably doesn't work like that.

I just wish I could go back and start life again.

Perhaps you aren’t ready to talk yet but you’re right trying to get yourself out of this on your own won’t work. Most likely things will end up getting worse. With the help of antidepressants, just something gentle will help get you to a point where you’ll be able to start lifting yourself up again.

Hi op,

I can relate to what you've said about not liking yourself and feeling like a bad person. I think start by calling your GP who will probably just give you a number for self referral. Mine did today when I went to see him about my heart palpitations.

You're highly probably not a bad person at all, but like you, I am feeling very ashamed about myself for really shitty things that I have done in the past and wished I was a different person altogether. I think this may be more common than we think. I am not sure what the answer is, as I am hoping something will happen soon from my self referral to help move things along. The GP was reluctant to prescribe any chemicals for now.

Hope you feel better soon.

Thanks @Ruminating2020

What's involved in self referral? I just don't know how to put into words how I feel.

Hi @ohpleaseyourself,

This is the first time I have completed a self referral form online. The GP had recommended talking therapy, and explained that a disinterested third party contacts you to discuss things. That's all I know so far. I will wait until I get a phone call and update.

I wanted to be able to talk about my anxiety issues with the GP along with my feelings of guilt, shame, worthlessness and how I am getting intrusive negative thoughts about past actions, but he was really only there for the physiological side of my symptoms.

For talking therapy I completed my information online and the next morning I had a call to arrange an assessment.
The assessment just asked why I’d asked to speak to someone and generally how I was feeling. If you’re struggling to put things into words, what you wrote on your post is pretty clear. Just be honest and say how low you feel, you’re struggling to pull yourself up and that you feel you need help.
The person I spoke to was lovely. He wasn’t qualified, just to take information and then said he would call at a pre arranged time to discuss what therapy I would be offered. He told me it would be 18 weeks but they called within 5. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain and if you can’t put it into words say that. You aren’t meant to know the answers so don’t put yourself under pressure to do so xx

I got a phone call earlier today after the self referral and I have an assessment appointment next week, which was far sooner than I thought. They told me that the assessment is to see what type of treatment would be appropriate for me.

That was far more efficient than I thought.