Child sex abuse trial at court. Struggling/ill/deep anxiety

[Peacefulnight]

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Sex abuse trial at court in a couple of weeks/not coping/anxious/ill/paranoid1
Today 23:07Peacefulnight

Hi,
I am a newbie here, but I am really, really struggling with my mental health so I thought it was worth reaching out in the hope that I can get some advice and pull myself out of this deep, dark hole I am going deeper into.

I have rarely openly discussed what happened to me from 11 years old. I 'coped' with it by almost pretending it hadn't happened and trying my best to forget my abuser.
Unfortunately it never, ever leaves you. The fear, anxiety, deep, deep insecurities and fear are always there ruining your life.

Last year I finally made the decision to make a formal report to the police and although I don't regret it for a second, I am absolutely terrified.
My abuser has been charged with rape of a child (I don't know the exact charges) and my case is finally due at Crown Court next week.
To say I am terrified is an understatement.

My abuser is a relative and I have not seen him for approx 30 years. When I was old enough to realise that what he was doing was not right, I told him to keep away from me. I have not seen him since that day.

I have been offered 'special measures' but declined. I want him and the jury to see the pain in my eyes, to see the damage he's caused.

In terms of my MH. I am not coping well at all. I am paranoid all of the time. I am so focused on this trial that I worry that something will happen to stop it.
Will I be ill, will I be run over, will I get Covid and not be able to go to court, will it be postponed again?
All sorts of ridiculous scenarios run through my head daily, it's crippling and it is becoming too much.

My other stupid, irrational fears are that I won't be able to get my words out, I won't be able to answer the questions, I won't remember important dates or information..... My anxiety is horrendous and I don't know how to cope with it.

The Covid circumstances haven't helped and I feel selfish and ungrateful.. So many people have suffered and lost loved ones etc. However, I would have gone on a stress busting holiday or two to combat the anxiety, chill and relax before the trial, but I have not been able to do that this year.

I have booked a spa break, just one night which includes a massage to de-stress and a night out with friends to help me relax beforehand, but I really do think that I am losing my mind and I'll be dead or sectioned before next week.

I have also been suffering with absolutely dreadful IBS/colitis which is badly affected by stress. So that is playing on my mind too. I have abdominal pain, nausea and need to use the toilet with urgency. I am so concerned that will happen when I am giving evidence and I won't be able to use the toilet, focus or get away and I will be embarrassed.
I can't work out what is worse, the physical symptoms or the MH/anxiety.

In the aftermath if I ever get through It, I can't even begin to think about the verdict. What If he gets not guilty, I will be devastated, I really don't think I will cope.

So many worries, so many things to think about, I am a hell of a mess at the moment, deeply, deeply depressed and I don't know how to pick myself up.
I just want to feel 'normal' whatever that is.

Any help would be so appreciated.
Thank you for reading.

Big hugs. You are very brave. It's not surprising you feel so anxious, as this would be terrifying for anyone. Would it be worth asking the court/legal advisers a few questions to calm your worries. They must be used to dealing with terrified witnesses, so they can probably reassure you on the procedure if you ask them what happens if (eg) you can't get your words out. The same with the IBS - you won't be the only person they've had in court who may urgently need the loo, so they can probably reassure you what the procedure is for that.

Certainly don't feel guilty about the fact you would have had a holiday - I can't imagine anyone would begrudge you that in the circumstances!

Is there something you could take to the witness stand with you as a sort of anchor to reassure you? Eg if a friend gave you a small pebble that you could hold, and in holding it while you give evidence you would be reminded of the love and support of your friends?

Hugs

Good suggestions from pp.
OP you might not realise this but you’ve done an amazing job to get it to court!
I had to give witness statements to my local hospital and the General Medical Council and the police recently (about abuse from a doctor).
I made sure I went to the loo LOADS before, sipped water, took my time. Beforehand I made sure I was alone, listening to music (nobody saying things to help me be strong etc).
But.. if I’d had to go to court (and I wanted to!) I’d have been scared.
It’s ok to be terrified.
You are outstanding!!
If you need the loo (and once you start talking you won’t (I used to work in a court and hearing your voice out loud takes a bit of getting used to)) just ask for a comfort break. They will think nothing of it.
I’m going to be thinking of you, you brave, brave person!!

I’m afraid I don’t have much advice but just want to say YOU ARE SO STRONG!! You are an absolute warrior and so unbelievably brave despite what you think! Please reach out to a friend of relative for some support xxxx you are never ever alone xxxx

Hey, can you talk to someone in real life? Is your family behind you ? Can you talk to them? You are so strong, believe me. What you are experiencing is normal for people in this circumstance won't be legal people will be really aware of this. Please don't say you are ok unless you are. Take their help
Xx

OP what you've done is impressive.

I think you're perfectly normal and utterly sane. You're feeling petrified and anxious because what you're about to do is incredibly scary. People get nervous about testifying as a witness to far more minor things than this. When people say "You're so brave!" it may sound like empty words but they're not. You're facing this, you're feeling the natural feelings that arise from it and you're persisting. That, my dear, is the very definition of bravery.

Also, the CPS are notoriously (horrifically - but that's a discussion for another day) strict about what makes it to court. It's something like 1% of reported rapes. You are very definitely believed.

Please, hold on to the fact that this is exceptionally hard. You're not losing it, but yes, if there's more support you can have, reach out for it. If there's someone who you can ask questions to, ask them every single one, even if it seems silly.

OP do you have support in place around going to court? The Witness Service can provide great support - both emotional and practical. You will find their details online - link below - or the court can provide details of local provision.

Witness Service

Do you have any support from somewhere like Victim Support or an organisation helping survivors of abuse? They can help you through the court process.

Well done on having the courage to speak out and I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible for you.

Ohhhh my goodness, thank you, thank you, thank you to you all for your kind words, support and encouragement. It means so much.

I did have someone from Victim support come to my home before Covid hit, I only saw her 3x and she stopped coming.
I will contact her again to tell her how I am feeling and see what she is able to offer.

In terms of family, I don't have anyone.
I am an only child, so is my mother so I don't have siblings or Aunts and uncles.
My abuser is a close relative and when I told him to keep away from me when I was 16 I walked away from that entire 'side' of the family because it was easier to cope for me by trying to pretend none of them existed.
I know I shouldn't have blamed other family members for his actions, but they didn't care when I suddenly 'disappeared'. Therfore I figured I didn't need them in my life and I don't regret that decision.

I have a very fractured relationship with my mother, we don't get on at all and I try to stay away as much as I can.
I honestly believe that's a lot to do with what happened too. I remember that we got on well until I was around 11 or so.
She thought I was being a difficult teenager when I started mis-behaving and being a pain in the neck.
I couldn't tell her, I reached out to her so many times and she didn't see what I was trying to silently tell her. What happened to me is not her fault, not at all, but I blamed her for not protecting me and for making bad decisions which ultimately ruined my life.
As a consequence, we've not got on and I have felt totally unsupported.
I eventually told her when I was mid 20's during a blazing row and I felt totally unsupported again.
Therfore I've learned not to 'depend' on anyone if that makes sense.
If I fight something, I do it alone, that's the way it's always been.

Thank you again for all your help and support, It really is important.

Sorry, short term memory like a sieve.
I do have a sexual abuse advocate from an organisation I was referred to by the police.
I've never met her, only spoken to her on the phone or emailed but she will be meeting me at the court.
I've also emailed witness care a couple of weeks but that was for confirmation of dates etc and to arrange a tour of the court more than actual emotional support.

Hiya Peacefulnight. Just to let you know I'm thinking of you this week. Good on you, brave lady!!

Thank you all again for your support, so appreciated.
I had an email from the Sexual abuse advocate today, offering support via zoom, recommending a couple of books and just to confirm some details about court etc.

She said that it'll go at my pace, offered some reassurance and said that I can have as many comfort breaks as I feel necessary and that my feelings are normal.
I feel a little better today I guess, just have to try and focus and be as strong as possible.

The court is quite a distance away from where I live so I've booked a luxury hotel not far from there. My plan is to go the day before, - use the pool, sauna and Jacuzzi and have an early night with soothing music playing.

Then hopefully go for a swim the morning of the trial before going back to the room to get ready. I want to be as calm as I possibly can be to allow me to think clearly and I think I deserve a little self-care/pampering.
I also can't handle the stress of train times or commuting to the court on the morning of the trial or any delays so I think this is a good choice.

That all sounds so positive! You got this!