Bipolar? Something else?

[Lovemusic33]

I have struggled on and off with mental health for years, mainly untreated (my choice). I am wondering if I possibly have bipolar.

One day I can be really happy, loving life and everything around me, a few days later I can feel lonely useless and almost suicidal. I would say I have more good days than bad days so am mostly happy. I struggle to relax, am on the go all the time, can struggle to sit still, can’t sit through a film and struggle to stay focused when someone’s talking to me. I suffer with anxiety but mainly when I’m having a really bad day. I can’t seem to be happy in a relationship, get bored easily and overthink things too much so find it easier being single.

When I’m starting to feel down I often spend money on things I don’t really need and then regret it the next day.

At the moment I’m on a bit of a downer, feeling sorry for myself, feeling lonely and trapped like there’s nothing to look forward too. I am on my period which does not help as my hormones are all over the place. I’m questioning everything, my life choices, where I go from here whilst feeling useless and worthless. I don’t want to be medicated, I know in a few days I will feel great again and all will be ok but then I get anxious about the next time I feel low.

Most of my lows are caused by relationships, people letting me down or fear of commitment so then I find myself pulling away from everyone including family.

My childhood was good up until I was 14, pretty normal family life but got groomed by a older man in my teens and ended up in my first abusive relationship. I self harmed from the age of 14 but wouldn’t say my teen years were miserable, I guess it was up and down like it is now.

Have always assumed I’m on the autistic spectrum, even more so since my dc’s were diagnosed, never felt I fit in anywhere, always struggled with social situations but masked a lot to try and fit in.

I guess there’s quite a lot going on, PTSD, possible ASD/ADHD and possible BPD, I think that’s why I’m a bit scared to get any kind of diagnosis. Over all I am happy more than depressed but I would like to be in some kind of relationship without over thinking everything.

HotPotoo you dd sounds very much like me.

There is a great book that I highly recommend. I found it really gage me insight into unhealthy relationships and boundaries. I was slay groomed and abused by older men as a child. I've attached the front of the book for you. It's not easy to read at tunes, and it gave me some nightmares but it really helped me to unlock some behaviours in myself and have me insight into my daughter. It focuses heavily on self compassion and I think you will find it helpful.

It sounds like borderline personality disorder to me. This is what I have l and I have had almost identical experiences to you!