How to respond to questions about scars?

[YenneferOfBattenberg]

Trigger Warning Self Harm

I feel a bit silly posting this, but I would really appreciate some advice.

I went through a prolonged period of very poor mental health that started in my mid-late teens and went on well into my twenties. It was really rough for about a decade and one of my main coping mechanisms, throughout that time, was self harming, (specifically cutting). It was relatively severe to the point of needing stitches on many occasions. So I have been left with a lot of scarring on my forearm, thighs, and a few other random places. I am much, much better now. I haven't self-harmed in as long as I can remember (I'm now mid-thirties). But the scars are still there and will be for life.

The issue I have is that every so often, someone will notice the scars on my arm and ask about them. Now while it is not something I talk about very much at alI, I generally don't have an issue discussing it with people particularly, like if it somehow came up in conversation organically (e.g. generally discussing mental health) or talking about it with people who are already aware of my history... but when I am put on the spot and someone notices my scars I freeze every time. I can never bring myself to tell the truth in those circumstances. I generally tell a lie or just change the subject really abruptly somehow, but it's very obvious that I'm feeling awkward and it makes me feel awful and really hot and panicked when it happens. Granted it's rare that it happens, but when it does I just want the ground to open up and swallow me whole and I dwell on it for ages afterwards.

It happened with a newish friend the other day and this is what has made me post. She mistook them for burns and I made up something about hair straighteners and then changed the subject as quickly as possible. But I felt awful not telling the truth. I want to be able to move past this and just be honest, but I don't know how.

I know I could keep them covered up to avoid questions altogether, but I don't want to let my past control any aspects of my present life, and really want to be able to move on from this sense of shame and embarrassment I feel about this. Help!

Scars are like tattoos, but with more interesting stories, I'm not ready to share that story with you yet.

Or something along those lines, not a lie, the truth but limited.

Its rude of people to ask you about them but if you want to say something you could say 'ohh those are from years ago and i don't really like to talk about them'

A nice boring and dismissive answer. If they persist with more questions I would just repeat that it was a long time ago and you don't want to talk about it.
TBF. I'm guessing this is how you deal with it already?

There is no reason that people should ask you as it's clear what they are. Anyone asking is just being nosey.

Just say "shark attack" with a big grin and move on. That should communicate that it's a closed subject. You don't owe anyone an explanation.

I always say something along the lines of "oh they are from years ago" and move the conversation on.

Same as you, inexplicably get nervous, clam up, and trip over my words.

I haven't had many people push for a more "whole" answer..

Thank you all for replying.

I have never had anyone drill into me for details particularly, but being asked about them at all puts me into a right spin. My friend the other day did ask quite a few questions, but probably because what I made up on the spot sounded pretty implausible!

I think when it happens people ask without thinking first - they notice them and are shocked/concerned, so blurt out a question. Whereas if they stopped and thought, it would be relatively obvious what they are. I haven't ever felt anyone was being rude though, despite the fact it makes me so uncomfortable. Although that being said I wouldn't ever ask someone about a scar (whether it looked like self harm or something else), as it's very personal IMO. And talking about a scar can be upsetting for many reasons!

I like some of the suggestions above for responses. I need to come up with something suitable and memorise it for future occasions. I suppose I worry about making the other person uncomfortable too, which is probably silly!

maybe it's because I'm getting on (approaching 60), but I find people make less comments now. It was difficult this summer in the hot weather wearing short sleeves, I did see a few people notice them, but said nothing. The only time someone did, they said "that's a nasty scar". I just replied "yes", and left it there.
I'm definitely not proud of them, but they do act as a reminder of how far I've come from some very distressing times, so whilst not a badge of honour, they do act as some kind of weird assurance.

I never got the hang of answering questions about my scars. I hated people asking, but at other times there were people I was desperate to ask even though I would never have actually told the truth.

In the end I had a pretty half sleeve tattooed a couple of years ago (10 years clean) that covers the worst of the big raised keloid scars. It did absolute wonders for my confidence and if I looked in the mirror in short sleeves and caught a glance I smiled . And even though my MH has now spiraled and I relapsed, the tattoo has kept me away from my arms.

I think self harming is more common than people think. Whilst I agree with other posters that you should feel no pressure to explain anything at all, I wonder if someone presses on this whether this might have more to do with them (or someone close to them) than perhaps it about you? Just a thought. I think with mental health being such a common and high profile issue, I think if you trusted someone there would be no harm in saying “I struggled with my mental health when I was younger, but I’m am now many years recovered thankfully” ...they might respect your honesty.

Most of mine are usually easily hidden by clothes, but I have some old ones on my forearms, too. People notice sometimes, but thankfully hardly anyone has ever commented. The only times I've really been asked straight questions about them, it's been by small children! It has been a bit awkward. On one hand, I don't want to lie to a child's genuinely curious question, and on the other hand it would be really inappropriate to be too honest! Thankfully so far saying something vague like "oh, they're really old scars from when I was unwell a long time ago - they're all better now, just a little mark", and then changing the subject have worked.

I think it’s really rude to ask you about them to be honest.

I have scars for medical reasons and it never ceases to amaze me how people who don't know me well ask about them.

Depending on how I'm feeling I pretend I've not heard, look at them in a very puzzled manner and then change the subject, or say something along the lines of 'shark attack' or 'embassy seige gone wrong' with a straight face, and enjoy them looking uncomfortable.

*siege, darnit!

"Lion taming accident" and breezily move on.

You are entitled to privacy and people should respect that - privacy is not the same as dishonesty. So please don't berate yourself for "lying" when all you're actually doing is justifiably protecting your privacy from people who are intruding.

"Old war wounds"

I remember asking my Mum’s friend about her scars when I was young. She said she fell off her motorcycle, and I totally accepted that. It’s only years later on reflection I realised what they were. Kids would be satisfied with any plausible explanation.

People are able to get their heads round mental health more than self harm I think. Just say "I used to have mental heath issues but it's in the past now". Or something similar that you feel is true but doesn't disclose more than you feel comfortable with.

Rehearse your stock phrase and use it word for word every time. You will probably find many people start babbling on about their own mental health.