How to cope with no contact parents?

[mildlyunhinged]

For a little bit of background, I moved out of my parents' house when I was 16 due to emotional (and sometimes physical) abuse, which they constantly disputed. It has been six months or so since I've spoken with them - there was a big issue with them insinuating I was a liar & a user to my sisters (who both believed it) and it was the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. I sent them an email saying I couldn't see them anymore as it was very emotionally painful, to which I got back a one-line apathetic response from my father and no response from my mother.

I drank a good amount of wine last night, and found myself writing a very big paragraph in the Notes app on my phone about my feelings surrounding my family and being NC with all of them. Essentially it brewed down to me still being really upset and hurt, and desperately wanting my parents to apologise and for us to move on. I didn't even realise I had these feelings until last night - I've spent the last 6 months not thinking about it at all (or so I thought).

For similar reasons of abuse / shitty behaviour, my husband is also NC with his whole family. This means we are pretty much alone in the world, given that I currently don't have any friends and he only has work colleagues that he doesn't usually see outside of work. I'm wondering how to cope with being "no contact" with both of our families, particularly with Christmas starting to feel like it's looming? I can't tell what's a justified feeling anymore, and what's just loneliness or co-dependence.

Sorry for the paragraph. Thank you

Someone will be along to write this more eloquently but basically they will never apologise as they don't think they've done anything wrong. You will need to make your own peace with that.

Counselling may help you work through your very valid feelings, or have a look on the stately homes thread for help to understand their patterns of behaviour e.g. FOG and flying monekys

In terms of Christmas this is the time for you and your DH to make your own traditions. Whether thats heading to a tropical island for a non-Christmas (maybe more difficult this year!) or working out the bits of Christmas you both like and doing those as a gift to yourselves.

I think you're doing really well to have gone NC early rather than going round the same circles of behaviour thats hurtful for you for years like some of us!

@chromis I know they'll never apologise - I just have to convince myself of that. I've done quite a lot of counselling, it's been very useful in some cases and not so useful in others (unfortunately anything effective usually came with a relatively big price tag). Thank you for saying my feelings are very valid though, I guess I'm still working through not justifying or reducing their behaviour and my subsequent reaction to it.

My husband is Polish and there are certain Christmas traditions that he enjoyed (i.e. the food element), so we can probably incorporate some of that into our new Christmas. I guess it's just very difficult, as we managed to have a very enjoyable and "family-feeling" Christmas at my parents' last year, which only adds to the feeling of making a mistake (despite the fact that I know I haven't).

Thank you for saying that, about the NC thing. It was not a pleasant decision to make - both emotionally, and also in a more brute financial way. I couldn't accept financial support with the strings of emotional control.

Anyway, thank you so much for your help. Sorry this has been very "me, me, me", I'm just trying to figure out my feelings from a rational and unemotional perspective. I appreciate your efforts

This takes many years to come through. The years when you were in contact - being repeatedly insulted, scapegoated, manipulated, gaslit etc and where you tried and tried and tried to address it and resolve unsuccessfully.

Then the slow decisions to go NC. That takes a lot of emotional strength and resistance. I am sure that there have been shorter periods where you haven’t spoken before - and then you get lured back in due to FOG (fear, obligation, guilt - always the WRONG reasons to do anything) - for it all to kick off again.

The first year is tough - a year of firsts - birthdays yours / there’s, events Xmas, Easter, Bank holidays etc. But keep looking ahead and get stuff proactively booked in.

The rage, anger and hurt will wax and wane for sometime (drinking won’t help, events trigger it) - it needs to be objectively processed. It might be worth treating yourself at this difficult and fundamental chapter to further therapy - reallocate the birthday and Xmas gift cash you won’t be using!

You need to go through the full 5 stages of grief process. It’s not a straight line - it is hyper emotional in the early stages of denial, anger and hurt - and this settles to sorrow and sadness that you never had the family you deserve, that the people who should have cared for you have actively hurt, wounded and scarred you emotionally. That they will never apologise - they don’t see it like you do - your energies and efforts there will be futile. So final destination is acceptance. Along the way you need to have self compassion - to look to actively heal those wounds yourself.

What becomes obvious is the huge gap left by these emotionally draining and toxic people. They took up a lot of your time, energy, headspace. That’s why you didn’t have time to seek, nurture and bond in healthy friendships.

But now you have - and should seek to fill it with new acquaintances that will slowly grow to friendships where kindness and respect are standard - which are mutual, equal, lighthearted and fun.

Surround yourselves with radiant, warm, emotionally healthy people - view your toxic family flailing around in the dust getting smaller and smaller in your rear view mirror.

It’s tough, painful, ups and downs, twists and turns. But keep focused, distant, detached, dignified and forward looking to a much more peaceful and joyful future.

I can't tell what's a justified feeling anymore, and what's just loneliness or co-dependence
I don't know either mildly and sadly, I cannot afford therapy to find out. I suspect you want to feel part of a family, something bigger, but have realised that after six months NC that they can seemingly cut you loose, sod unconditional love, so you feel rejected. I have taken a long look in the mirror myself as my family see me as a user, I'm sure - they are both right and very wrong in that assumption but I am too tired to explain to people who never look in the mirror themselves.
Yes, financial support can add to that narrative, a reason why I have a cheque I won't cash and money I need to post back (the latter will mean no coming back from it but I don't want to be accused of taking when I never asked for it in the first place).
It is hard. I am sorry. I wish I could tell you it gets better but I am not sure of that right now myself. We can talk on here if you'd like.

@Sssloou

This takes many years to come through. The years when you were in contact - being repeatedly insulted, scapegoated, manipulated, gaslit etc and where you tried and tried and tried to address it and resolve unsuccessfully.

Then the slow decisions to go NC. That takes a lot of emotional strength and resistance. I am sure that there have been shorter periods where you haven’t spoken before - and then you get lured back in due to FOG (fear, obligation, guilt - always the WRONG reasons to do anything) - for it all to kick off again.

The first year is tough - a year of firsts - birthdays yours / there’s, events Xmas, Easter, Bank holidays etc. But keep looking ahead and get stuff proactively booked in.

The rage, anger and hurt will wax and wane for sometime (drinking won’t help, events trigger it) - it needs to be objectively processed. It might be worth treating yourself at this difficult and fundamental chapter to further therapy - reallocate the birthday and Xmas gift cash you won’t be using!

You need to go through the full 5 stages of grief process. It’s not a straight line - it is hyper emotional in the early stages of denial, anger and hurt - and this settles to sorrow and sadness that you never had the family you deserve, that the people who should have cared for you have actively hurt, wounded and scarred you emotionally. That they will never apologise - they don’t see it like you do - your energies and efforts there will be futile. So final destination is acceptance. Along the way you need to have self compassion - to look to actively heal those wounds yourself.

What becomes obvious is the huge gap left by these emotionally draining and toxic people. They took up a lot of your time, energy, headspace. That’s why you didn’t have time to seek, nurture and bond in healthy friendships.

But now you have - and should seek to fill it with new acquaintances that will slowly grow to friendships where kindness and respect are standard - which are mutual, equal, lighthearted and fun.

Surround yourselves with radiant, warm, emotionally healthy people - view your toxic family flailing around in the dust getting smaller and smaller in your rear view mirror.

It’s tough, painful, ups and downs, twists and turns. But keep focused, distant, detached, dignified and forward looking to a much more peaceful and joyful future.

Thank you for saying this! I just wish we had a bit more money so we can start creating our own new traditions and not be sitting around thinking about the past. If you don't mind me asking, do you have kids and no contact parents? I'm also struggling with the concept of wanting a child in a few years and feeling like I'm selfish for not giving them any grandparents or other extended family. Thank you so much for your words and advice though, it's good to hear it all laid out simply from an unbiased voice x

@EveryDoorlEverTriedwasIocked "I suspect you want to feel part of a family, something bigger, but have realised that after six months NC that they can seemingly cut you loose, sod unconditional love, so you feel rejected."

This is absolutely true. It's the hard part of facing the fact that there actually wasn't unconditional love, and it wasn't just an empty threat that they'd stop loving me. I guess even at the very end of it I would hope that they would have had a bit more to say that one line (or nothing, in my mother's case).

For the money part, I'm glad someone else experienced the awkward and difficult decision of having to give money back -- I never actively took anything, but they felt 'obligated' to offer me some money that they offered my half sisters but it came with strings - I then asked my sisters if they had the same strings attached to their offer, but by that point my dad had spit poison into their ears so I got long paragraphs about taking advantage and being selfish & lazy.

I'd really like to talk to you about it. It's quite difficult after all when hypothetically speaking, the first people you should speak to after a difficult thing happens are your family. I'm very lucky to have a loving husband, but I guess there's always an element of being a sad little child who wants the "ideal family" or at least a family who loves her. I guess if we think of it positively, this will just give us more fuel to create this family (whether through children, or friends etc etc) rather than just be born into it. I'm not going to do this to my kids.

Thank you so much x

Yes I am in this situation. I have chosen to surround my children with radiant people who share and uphold the same values as we do - some relatives didn’t measure up so I have chosen not to expose my DC to their harm directly and to the harm of having a hurt mother (ie me) because so much of their drama and antics caused me to be v distressed and drained and DCs deserved a mother who was positive, happy and fully attuned to them not one regularly wounded and distracted/preoccupied by family nonsense. I didn’t do it soon enough though. Some recent research I read said that one in five families are estranged - it’s just taboo so no spoken about. Believe me you will meet many more people who will bring joy to your DCs lives.

I don't really have any advice but just wanted to let you know that I am going through something very similar. However, it was my foster parents.
So much abuse went on at home, again my foster mum gaslights me. Saying that my memories are 'delusions' etc.
I haven't spoken to them for 3 weeks now (which admittedly isn't that long compared to your case). However I usually talk to my foster mum on the phone most days as I have mental health problems and need to talk (I'm 20).
However 3 weeks ago I found out that she was lying to me yet again and she kept it going for WEEKS. That was the final straw for me, I usually always give in and apologise to her even tho I haven't done anything wrong.
She never calls me. It's always me calling her and none of them make any effort with me.
It is so hurtful.
Sorry that was a lot about me but just wanted to offer my support and hope to provide at least a little reassurance that your feelings are completely valid.

@Sssloou That statistic is actually very comforting, I had no idea it was 1 in 5! Do you have close or extended family for your children, i.e. is it just a few relatives you went NC with? Feel absolutely free not to tell me, I'm just trying to cope with the guilt I suppose. I know it's justified and I know I'm protecting myself and my DH and my future children, but it feels awful knowing they'll have a family they know nothing about and I can't help but feel like the "failed link". I also have no idea when would be a good time to tell them, or if I even should. What would you even say?
Having kids is in the relatively near pipeline for DH and myself (a year or two if all works out) and I really really want to be a good mother. I'm just afraid of being too honest and traumatising, or if I'm not honest at all then it could be perceived that I cut contact with my family for trivial / my own immoral reasons.

Anyway, sorry, just worrying out loud haha. Thank you so much for saying that, I'd like to create a family and have people surrounding that family that are nothing like the people I grew up with. You sound like a great mum xx

@PrincessandthePeach

I don't really have any advice but just wanted to let you know that I am going through something very similar. However, it was my foster parents. So much abuse went on at home, again my foster mum gaslights me. Saying that my memories are 'delusions' etc. I haven't spoken to them for 3 weeks now (which admittedly isn't that long compared to your case). However I usually talk to my foster mum on the phone most days as I have mental health problems and need to talk (I'm 20). However 3 weeks ago I found out that she was lying to me yet again and she kept it going for WEEKS. That was the final straw for me, I usually always give in and apologise to her even tho I haven't done anything wrong. She never calls me. It's always me calling her and none of them make any effort with me. It is so hurtful. Sorry that was a lot about me but just wanted to offer my support and hope to provide at least a little reassurance that your feelings are completely valid.

@PrincessandthePeach Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It feels really comforting to know people of a similar age range are in the same boat - particularly when you're a young adult who isn't in contact with the people who raised them anymore, people often get the idea that it's because you're wild or disrespectful. It does feel like there's a big taboo in cutting off the people who raised you.

Don't undermine three weeks though, that's a huge step! I wanted to stop being in contact with my parents on a genuine level from about the age of eleven (obviously couldn't) but even when I was free of them financially and physically, it took me a year to muster up the courage and self preservation needed to say enough was enough- and I often felt like going back to them because being abused was 'easier' as ridiculous as that sounds.

I'd love to hear more about your experiences though, if you're willing. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences of cutting off toxic family members xx

Hi OP
Sorry, I stepped away from the laptop for a weekend. Sometimes I disconnect just to reset iyswim. How are things today? Have you had any other thoughts? Xmas will be hard no doubt but perhaps a second wave will happen in any case so might make it easier on you. Always hard when the festive myth is big families around the table, board games etc It isn't the truth for all. You need to do you. That might be a cosy time, learning Polish recipes as you menton upthread and looking to the future. Sadly as I get older myself I am more of the opinion that few people can change and certainly, you cannot change them. Hope you are okay x

My DH is in a similar situation. We did used to see his parents but even as an adult they treat him in an appalling manner and it just makes our life a lot easier without them in it. It is hard for him though, he feels very alone in the world.

I have a loving family so it is hard for me to understand so I read this book:

www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/20556323-complex-ptsd

I found it really insightful. My partner hasnt yet felt up for reading it but he asks me to read him extracts that I think might ring bells with him so we have been doing that. One day I hope he can read the whole thing so that he realises no contact is the right approach and that he is a wonderful human being despite their awful flaws

www.pete-walker.com/

There is lots of helpful content on his website as well aec83x

@Sssloou thanks!