I don’t want to be here anymore.

[okaygoodbye]

NC.

I really don’t. I hate how I’m living. Ever since I had my baby my mental health has been in bits. I’ve always had issues especially OCD and that is what has happened. I have awful intrusive thoughts from the moment I wake up until the time I go to sleep. I try to tell myself it’s not me. I try to tell myself it’s OCD. But then I check over and over again to see whether it was me or not. I have constant tics now because I am constantly fighting thoughts in my head and it shows outwards. I try and bargain with myself and swear I won’t think about it for at least ten minutes or something bad will happen. It always comes back. I am failing as a mum. I’m not as good as the other mums. A part of me feels disconnected. Sometimes I feel more comfortable when I’m not around him because the thoughts are so bad. It is destroying me. It hurts so much to even admit that. Because I do love him so much. But I don’t want to tell anyone because I don’t want them to take him away. He doesn’t love me as much as his dad. I know it. I’m sure he thinks my mum is his mum. Maybe he thinks I’m just a random person. My partner tells me he lights up when he sees me but I don’t believe it. I keep thinking he would be better off without me. That others can offer him so much more. I’m sat in the bath crying while he’s in the other room with his dad. I wish things were different. I want to feel like a mum. I want to be able to be around him without being consumed by thoughts to the point I second guess everything I do. I don’t want to fear being around him. If I tell anyone my thoughts they will take him away I know it. Why do I feel so disconnected? I see other mums and they look so in love with their babies. My head is constantly just filled with fear. Sometimes I’ll sit in the bathroom and just hit myself around the head to get the thoughts out. It’s been going on for five months now.

I’m in CBT but I can’t afford it anymore. I am under the perinatal team but they just focus on my medication. The last time I tried to talk to the health visitor the first thing she did was ask if I felt like harming my baby and she made me feel like I couldn’t trust her. I don’t know who to talk to.

I wish I could start over and be a better mum. He deserves so much better than me in every way. I don’t deserve him. Maybe he’d be so much better off if it was just him and his dad.

Men just aren’t usually very good at that kind of thing. Plus he’s probably very worried about you and unable to think when put on the spot. Please go to your doctor, there’s a lot of help available besides medications. It sounds like you would like someone to talk to, whatever it is you need they’ll be able to assist you.

If he’s anything like my dp he was probably worried of saying the wrong thing.
The very fact that you are questioning/worrying that you are a good mum tells me you already are.
Tell me your plans for today

I think society generally doesn’t talk about what makes a good mum though, definitely not in the same way we talk about good dads. I think the fact that you’re so miserable but still only thinking of your son and how he feels proves you’re a good mum

What are you doing today? Is it raining where you are?

How are you today OP?

I really think you need to speak to someone about your medication as it doesn’t seem to be working properly.

Don’t give up your CBT because of cost. I know it is expensive but you do need this support. Do you like your therapist and feel they are effective? You could change if you feel you’re not making progress.

I know when you feel like this every day, even every minute seems too much. But this WILL pass.

How are you OP?

Oh my OP I so feel this post. I've been living a similar nightmare and also under perinatal team. Do they have a psychologist as well as a psychiatrist? Do you have a care coordinator that you can talk to?

I also had issues with the HV team, IME they're not great at severe MH issues and tend to panic, the perinatal team are far less likely to overreact. I'll speak to the HVs about any concerns over my DD's health, but not my own.