I need medical help but no longer trust my doctors

[flatlife]

I had a mental breakdown a couple of months ago and was sectioned (sec 2) and taken to a mother and baby unit.

I called samaritans who sent an ambulance and the police to my home in the middle of the night- I didnt give them my address- I dont know how they found that out.
I was given medication that stopped my supply of milk and as a breastfeeding mother of 3 breastfed babies this shook my world and broke me even more.

I do not trust my gp, and haven't gotten any contraception because of this despite wanting to.
I dont trust the mental health team that work with me and I have basically told them I am fine when I am dealing with thoughts of hopelessness and i am extremely paranoid.
my partner can't go back to work and risks losing his job but I am not functioning. I cant look after the kids and I keep forgetting to make the baby a bottle. every time I try to breatfeed (trying to boost my supply but have to top up) I just cry.

I think this is punishment for asking for help in the first place- asking for antidepressants= losing my milk= losing status as a mother = losing bond with baby. I am worse now than how I went in and it is unbelievable how much I cry
I am a burden on my partner, I cannot feed my baby, I cant concentrate on my kids.
I cant go out and haven't been on my own in ages. I havent been out on my own with the kids for about 3 or 4 months.

my life is shattered and I honestly don't know what to do- I dont trust the doctor who prescribed me medication that messed with my hormones and ruined my life.
I dont trust the mental health team who sectioned me and took me away from my family
I dont trust my partner who said to the doctor he can't leave me alone.

I am meant to be taking anti depressants but can't get myself to take them because I think they may poison me or the baby. but I cant tell the doctor because they will section me if they find out I have lied.

it feels like the world is against me and I now have to go it alone. I want help- I feel like im drowning. but I don't know who to ask for help because everyone thinks I'm mad and wants to shove drugs down my throat.

something is not adding up and coronavirus and the kids going back to school- how can I send them to school when I cant even trust the school? nobody has been truthful with me.

is someone on the other end of this? can someone please tell me it gets easier? I feel sick and my fight or flight feeling is on constantly.

please mumsnet don't delete this post like you have deleted my others. I need help and ideas on where to find it.

You need professional help OP. There is nothing anyone on here can do which will help.

If you don't trust one doctor then ask to see another - you are within your rights to do so.

Very best of luck.

Things will get better but only if you start letting people (ie the doctors) help you.

Taking the drugs will not harm your baby. Not taking the drugs might as you won’t get better and therefore won’t be able to care for them like you want to.

I understand why not being able to breast feed hurts but it does not affect your ability to be a good mother. Not accepting help, does.

Make a list of what you need to do every day. Really simple things
Get up.
Prepare bottle
Change baby
Have breakfast
Take medicine
Brush hair
Prepare bottle
Etc

Take each day in tiny little segments at a time.

You did the hard part and asked for help. That’s a massive step. Now you need to accept that help.
Your partner loves you and wants you to get better.

Why don’t you trust the doctors? Write a list of your exact concerns, questions, worried etc. Give them to your husband or the nurse.

OP, with respect, all the mistrust is a symptom of your illness. Your doctor is not trying to poison you. They, along with your MH team, have the best interests of you and your baby at heart. Your partner is no doubt struggling to cope too and I’m sure he feels he can’t leave you alone but this is not a criticism of you.

The most important thing right now is that you take your medication which will, in time, help you to feel better. This is much more of a priority than breastfeeding, although I know you will be clinging to this because you feel that proving you can do it shows that you are a good mum. YOU ARE A GOOD MUM. Believe that. But you need to get better.

I say this having breastfed my own children and being a passionate supporter, but sometimes it isn’t the best thing. As difficult as it will be, you need to accept and engage with the help being offered to you as you will not get better without it. Can you talk to your partner about how you are really feeling?

anecdotal experience about how doctors aren't milk thieves would help

how do you ask for a new doctor?
how do you find out who prescribed the wrong medication? nobody told me the side effects include loss of prolactin. I specifically asked about whether it could effect my milk and they all lied.
I was also pushed into formula feeding which I refused. but now I know why

A first step could be to book an appointment with a new gp at the practice.
You have to be totally open with them or they won’t be able to help you.

The thing is op, your mental health is more important than breastfeeding. I think you need to stop fixating on that and concentrate on getting yourself well. This lack of trust in everyone is a symptom of your illness; no one is out to hurt you.

@RunningFromInsanity
haha I am trying to run from insanity too

I have written daily lists but with 4 kids they are quite overwhelming.

I dont trust them because I told them breastfeeding is my life- it is the only thing j can do that still brings me joy and they kept information about a medicine away from me. even though I specifically asked they didn't tell me.
also they said they wouldnt section me but then they did.

they said they would help me but they just aren't listening and are skimming past things I say that doesn't fit the diagnosis they want to give me.
psychosis.

I also asked to see my medical records but they refused.
I dont know what to do

OP you sound really unwell and randoms on a forum cannot help you
Please seek help that is appropriate

@IfIHadAHeart
breastfeeding has been a part of my daily life for 5 years straight. they took that away from me and they have poisoned my body into not making milk for my baby- it is already done!

my partner talking about it goes like this
"get better but do it now. NOW!"

I cant go out- I am scared but he wants to to just get over it.
he says "just feed the baby the bottle" even though I'm sobbing over my empty breasts.
he has no empathy- none. he just doesn't get it

OP sectioning someone is not a decision that is ever taken lightly. Whether or not you can see it now, the doctors will have believed that it was in your best interests.

It is clear from this thread that you are extremely unwell, and all of your feelings in relation to this are a symptom of your illness. Have you discussed with your partner your concerns about the way it was handled? As he is probably able to be more objective at this moment in time.

You state in your OP that you’re extremely paranoid and then you go on to say how you don’t trust anyone and everyone is against you.

Paranoia is indeed the problem. You need to address your paranoia with your medical team.

Nobody here can help you. You need to take a leap of faith and trust people/doctors in real life to help you.

I'm very sorry OP, but this very much DOES sound like paranoid psychosis. I would have guessed that before you even said the word.

Why do you believe that it's not? Everything you are saying points to it.

Op you need to get help and you need it now-you are very unwell and the paranoia is a part of that.

Have you been completely open with your husband? Is there family you can talk to who you trust?

All anyone is trying to do is to help you get better lovely, but you are not able to see that at the minute because you are so unwell.

I have no advice but I really hope very soon you get the support, help and long term care you need.

@Hobnobswantshernameback I want help. I asked for help but I was just thrown into a loony in and treated like a loon. the stigma is definitely still there! half of the people who talk to me now don't even talk to me- they talk to my partner about me as if I'm not sitting there.
their intervention has put me from barely functioning to not functioning at all and extremely paranoid.

surely I have a right to see my own medical records

As tough as it is though which is more important your health or continuing breastfeeding?

You need to talk to your partner and start working to access help. For the sake of you all.

I think you feel you need to sort out all the previous issues with your healthcare team/ask questions/get the answers/change your diagnosis/prove this or that before you will accept any help and this is the wrong way round.

You need to accept medical help and get yourself into a better place where you can then stand in a stronger position and ask why particular decisions were made and advocate for yourself a bit more.

It doesn't sound like you're in a position to do that currently.

Things won't change without accepting medical help. Denying yourself help and a better future because of what has happened in the past isn't the right thing for you or your family.

Good luck x

Your children don't need your breast milk. They need you. Breastfeeding is about the child, not the parent. It isn't there to give you an identity. It's there to supply nutrition to the child. You can still cuddle them and give them the nurture they need.

You need to find a professional you can trust and listen to them. I hope you can do that.

right but how do you take that leap of faith? these people have lied to my face and now when I ask them who prescribed the medicine they don't know. everything is recorded except this.

they have backed off since I lost my milk- I needed daily visits and phonecalls before and now I have no milk I am rang once or twice a week?
its like now they have fucked up they don't want me anymore

OP, as the others have said, it's time to see a doctor again. You agree you can't be left with the children - and that's just as anyone would be in your position. You have a big family and each child has their own needs. You're not well enough to be on your own with them now.

Please don't call a psychiatric hospital a loony bin. Would you say that to someone on here who needed treatment?

It sounds as though you need urgent help. Ask your partner to phone the doctor if you can't do it yourself.

@flatlife

right but how do you take that leap of faith? these people have lied to my face and now when I ask them who prescribed the medicine they don't know. everything is recorded except this.

they have backed off since I lost my milk- I needed daily visits and phonecalls before and now I have no milk I am rang once or twice a week?
its like now they have fucked up they don't want me anymore

I'm absolutely certain they want to help you. But unless they know the whole truth, how can they?
Do you have a family member or good friend who you can tell your fears to? Someone you trust will have your best interests at heart?
No one has lied to you, they've simply done what was necessary in your best interests. Please let someone know all that you're feeling and let them support you. You might not like the treatment you're offered, but it will be for the best.

OP, I mean this in the kindest way, what you describe sounds like post-partum psychosis. It is often mistaken for depression, because you, understandably, probably feel quite sad and alone.

I'm sorry that the doctors didn't choose the right medication. Most of them are not properly trained to work with breastfeeding mums and it is very likely they simply didn't know that this was a side-effect. You can ask for your notes from the hospital and go over it with a counsellor or therapist, to find out who made the mistake and how to process the consequences of it.

Please do talk to a professional, especially as your partner seems very overwhelmed and unable to cope. That does not excuse his behaviour but it is important to understand he, too, can probably not control himself very well.

Last but not least, there are incompetent medical professionals. That does happen. If you do not feel comfortable with your current treatment team, it is perfectly okay to find a different one. The important thing at the moment is that you find a medical professional who you trust and are willing to speak to about these thoughts.

offering some things which may be of help:

Rethink Mental Illness legal and emotional support helplne (you can find it if you google).

They support all people with mental illness and champion your rights.

You have the right to be properly informed about side effects and make an informed decision.

They will also support you with finances if you need it.

Samaritans calls are supposed to be confidential.

If you are still trying to breastfeed and I can understand how this might help you, having done it myself, I would have a chat with the La leche league 24 hour helpline. They supported me when I was very low and had difficulties, including a breast infection.

Rethink mental illness will also talk you through your rights with the GP. Including changing surgeries. I did and it is not as difficult as you might think.

Getting the forms on the website, sending them in. You do not have to give a reason.

Other random thoughts:
You need support at home with chores, not criticism.
You have NOT been deemed to be incapable so DH's comment that he 'cannot leave you alone' is unfair.

What should be happened is things to be put in place or for you to put things in place that actually help.

I know money is probably tight, but can you get a cleaner once a month. You might find that helps and it is someone to make small talk with.

Getting a dshwasher on a credit card or credit union loan?

LIkewise I got myself a eufy robot vaccuum for 150 quid on a card and it is great for those days when I feel really overwhelmed.

Food deliveries.

Anything that will make life a bit easier.

And, also knowing you are a good enough mum.

So sorry to hear you are struggling. Hope things get better bit by bit.

also there is an organisation called SEAseAp is an independent charity that specialises in the provision of advocacy and related services. Our high quality independent advocacy services support people, especially those who are most vulnerable in society, to have their voice heard, access their rights and have more control over their lives.They say

We provide advocacy support through well-trained and highly-motivated advocates who enable their clients to express themselves, ensuring that everyone who uses health and social care services can have their voice heard on issues that are important to them.P who can advocate for you...google it

the signing on process is a bit lengthy but once you have done it they take down your complaint (about not being informed about side effects and negotiate for you). They are really good

Hi all,
Many thanks to those of you who wrote in to express your concerns about this post.
We didn't really think AIBU was the right place for it, so we have moved it. Indeed, we're not sure, for various background reasons, that MNers are the people to speak to for this sort of complex difficulty and would also exhort flatlife to speak to a professional asap.
Of course you'll have seen this before, flatlife, but we'll post it again just in case, as when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope when you are feeling a little better you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters. However, as the other MNers have already said, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.