Will I ever get over this heartbreak. 6 years later and it’s still destroying my happiness

[Stillsearching20]

Let me start by saying I know this will seem trivial to some, and I know there are a lot of people going through so much worse. But this is so real to me, it is on my mind constantly and it’s ruining my life.
I had a relationship (first love, everything) that lasted 8 years and ended 6 years ago. I still love him and the heartbreak seems as strong as it did then. I just feel so awful because I am with a new dp and have a dd but I carry this sadness in my heart for the life that should of been, with him. It has caused me to beck w extremely depressed and suicidal at times as I just don’t know how to live with it. He got married and had just had a baby and I am crestfallen about it. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I know these feelings aren’t normal and I am having counselling. Why can’t I just be happy with what I have?
I am having a really bad day today and guess I just need someone to give me some hope that this will go away. I am 30 for god sake I feel so pathetic.

Should have been*

Not really sure what to say. I guess to à lesser extent doesn't everyone carry that little cut from a first love? I often wonder how my life might have been, and I'll love him until the day I die. Doesn't mean much though, we were not compatible. I dwell on it a bit when I'm depressed but... That's just the way life is?

I know you’re right, I just have a very hard time coping with it. I know it sounds ridiculous

Nothing you feel this strongly about is ridiculous OP. Did the relationship end ubruptly? Maybe you haven't had the closure you need.

I do think you need to talk this out in depth with your therapist as something about this is holding you back from moving forward as you should.

*abruptly

Yes it was abruptly. Texted me on Boxing Day, I was already struggling with my mental health and it triggered a mental breakdown which lasted months. I have never really recovered. I still look in the mirror and hate myself. I can’t stop comparing myself to his new wife. On the outside you would t know any of this. It’s like a secret that I carry

Please believe me when I say you are definitely not the only person to have ever felt like this. I truly believe that there are some loves we might never get over. It's not ridiculous, or pathetic. You can't really help your emotions or how you feel about someone. All you can do is distract yourself with your new life.

There’s nothing trivial about this OP. From what you say it looks like you had no closure from this relationship and I can fully understand how this would have made you feel. I think it will go away for you. Plenty of talking with a therapist, on here, etc and it will help to get this out of your system.
Your not pathetic at all...but human....

Do you know what made you vulnerable to the MH issues that you already had when in the RS with xBF? Was there a specific childhood trauma or did you have difficult parents? Sometimes when there is something unresolved from our past it leaves us open to v v deep wounds.

@Sssloou not really but I am working through this with my counsellor and hoping it will give me some answers so I can stop beating myself up over it. I know there is more to it anyway. I was very dependent on him

I understand this and felt the same about my ex for a long time. I was with him from my teenage years till I was 27. I dreamt about him, compared any current relationship to our past one and would daydream about getting back with him when things were tough. Obviously all hugely unhealthy! But now I have moved past it eventually, have a happy relationship and do not wish for to be back with him.

I think you're doing the right thing seeing the therapist. Keep working on yourself and don't be hard on yourself for thinking this way right now.

One thing that I used to try and remember when I felt that longing to get back with him was that as the years passed I had been growing and changing in to a different person - and so had he. Even if we got back together it would not be the same relationship because we would not be the same people any more. It helped me to focus on what I had now.

It’s good that you have this insight and to keep searching / exploring with your therapist as to where this core “dependency” issue is coming from. That’s the bit that will emotionally shift you - because it’s not about him specifically. He could have been anyone really - it was likely a projection / imprint on to him.

Do you feel dependent on your current DP?

What was your childhood attachment like to your DM and DF and what was their relationship like? Any loss, neglect, abandonment? Were they emotionally attuned to you - were they emotionally present - validating your unique character and emotions?

No I still feel dependent on my ex, which sounds utter madness I know. I just don’t understand it.
My attachment to my DF has always been poor (he admitted this himself to my DM). I guess a lot of it does come from there. It does feel a bit of a shock as to how much it has affected me. So much so that I am distancing myself from my parents at the moment

It sounds like you are on the right path emotionally if you have identified the attachment deficiency with your DF. Once you work on addressing that deficit in therapy (not with your DF obviously) then you will heal a wound / fill a gap that will allow you to live a more rounded emotional life as a adult.