A friend (a mum who uses this site) suggested I join and post here for friendly advice as all reddit was doing was scaring me further and I need a friendly network-
But I’m 30, Autistic spectrum older, student at an intensive arts university.and this year has been hard on me mental health- as it has everyone, but after ending a toxic friendship, the ripples of it have reflected onto my best friend to the point where my anxiety -which has been on off for years anyway, - was forming around her and the ones who didn’t leave when it shouldn’t be, as they’re doing, and haven’t done, anything wrong...(paranoid thoughts I’m boring to talk to, if I say the wrong things they’ll leave too etc that they actually don’t like me, that people are just putting up with me because they have to etc)
As result I had a break down really severe, I was struggling with dark intrusive thoughts anyway and ‘harm compulsive type ocd with the dark thoughts’ that scare the hell out of me- , but I started thinking I’m not a good friend, that my best friend would prefer someone to talk to better than me, I love her greatly, she’s really important to me.
Thoughts of not being her friend scare me to where I end up having anxiety attacks, she’s that important. All I do is cry that I love her that I miss her, but she hasn’t even left and came back from a two week offline break because she missed me but the break was For her own mental health, she hadn’t even changed who she was. She’s the same as she’s always been, wanting to talk how we always talked and interact so everything really is in my head..
But my anxiety is making everything feel like it’s changed between us when it hasn’t it’s just the anxiety making it feel that way ? I don’t want to loose her friendship but it feels like I am, like they’re not leaving but my anxiety is making me want to leave even though I know I’ll miss her so much. I never used to feel anxious talking to her before July, I used to tell her everything with no fear but now all I do is Worry irrationally and fear really stupid things that no one else would even hold onto.
(I had a thought just now that I want to yell at her and tell her to leave me alone, even though she’s not done anything to warrant that behaviour from me and I feel guilty because I know how upset she’d be, and now I’m upset that I even had that thought and I don’t like thoughts like that.)
Anyway I cried to a nurse in AE after I was taken there with a really painful headache, which turned out to be linked to doing nothing but crying and not eating for 2 weeks. And the mental health team, concerned about my dark intrusive thoughts of self harm and Uncontrollable social friend circle based anxiety so on, prescribed me 2mg diazipam to last until I get to CBT therapy in a few weeks -ie when I feel really anxious when I have no real reason to be that way over situations and people I should and Used to, be fine with, take it- as there’s a long horrible wait list with the nhs in the U.K for therapy.
But I’m scared to take it, as I’ve heard some absolute horror stories on how it changes your personality and how it’s addictive And so on. They gave me something while in AE to calm me down Another form of it I think they said, and it worked wonderful, I was so calm for even a day after, I felt so good, and then I started to get scared of not feeling like that, that I didn’t want to go back to my usual state, that I just wanted that lovely quiet in my head to last so I could do stuff and be artistic again and enjoy talking to my friends for the first time in forever ( had fun talking to best friend without feeling anxious when I got home that night, I was so happy I cried)...and then my sibling suggested that already sounded like the start of dependant addiction. So I haven’t taken diazepam since being perscribed them, they’re just sitting in a box on my desk and I’m anxious again now the stuff given in AE has worn off..
Sibling then suggested something he heard of called CBD Oil which is Apparently expensive but working wonders for his friend at uni who has severe anxiety but won’t - like me, take diazepam for fear of addiction.. in The U.K. CBD isn’t perscribed just classed as a food supplement as it’s herbal and ‘not medically proven’ has anyone here used it? Does anyone know anyone that’s used it ?? Does it work?? I’m willing to try it, if it’s safer than Diazipam.
Also has anyone done CBT therapy, is It effective for moderate - extreme cases? I don’t feel comfortable taking conventional depression/anxiety pills Either at all really as when I was on some in my younger years they clogged up my creativity and made me feel completely numb of everything. Felt worse. I need to be able to be feeling and creative in order to work in my career field. My gp wants to discuss medication options with me but I’m worried about everything like that...maybe I’m just not comfortable drugs even medical ones, into my body....even if they might help. But I think my options are running out.