Being honest to GP. Why can’t I just say it?

[justmewithmylifetoday]

After putting it off for ages (mostly due to COVID/lockdown) I finally got a gp (telephone) appointment to discuss an existing health condition. GP mentioned Chronic Fatigue last year so I was phoning today to say I’m still no better and wondered if I could have further bloods and try and figure out if it is CF.

The GP was a different one from last time so she went through all of my symptoms and asked many questions.

The inevitable question came “how is your mood?” “ have you had any thoughts that life isn’t worth living or hurting yourself?”

I shrugged if off and said I had bad days but think it was because I always felt like crap health wise. I said I had low days but not really.

Why can’t I just be honest? I do have low days, I do have good days, I also have really bad days. Yes I do sometimes think of hurting myself. Yes I am incredibly sad a lot of the time.

As soon as I’m on the phone I think don’t be silly, don’t make a fuss. Don’t be dramatic. I’m also scared to mention it because I have a toddler.

Once it’s said there is no going back. I’d have to talk about it, tell my family. Leave my bubble in my head where I’m relentlessly coping and justifying my thoughts each and everyday.

Please tell me I’m not alone?

You’re definitely not alone. It’s incredibly difficult to tell someone how you really feel for fear of what that might lead to. My days are how you describe and when I’m having a bad day it’s horrendous and I would be able to tell my GP. But if when I’m speaking to her I’m having an ok day it feels all the things you’ve said, overly dramatic and irrational.

Also I’ve found I think very much in the moment. I speak to a counsellor once a fortnight and I now make sure I write down every night how I’ve felt in that 14 days otherwise if I’m feeling ok when I speak to her I don’t realise how bad things have been, and think I’m wasting her time. Would writing things down make you realise that you’re not being silly?

Have you been offered any counselling? If so I hope it’s someone you can build up trust with and feel you can tell them everything. It’s taken a few attempts to find someone but I can speak openly now and I can see small changes. Don’t give up trying to find help.