Life just feels pointless - really struggling 😞

[Youngatheart00]

Before I start, I know I’ve got a lot to be grateful for. I’m in paid employment and no one in my immediate family has been ill with Covid.

But I’m thoroughly depressed and it’s got to the point I’m starting the day tearful and ending the day tearful. I’m not managing my alcohol intake very well and keep taking more painkillers than I need just to give me a fog to cope.

I started a new job just before lockdown began. To say it hasn’t gone as planned is an understatement. I’m bored, lonely, underperforming (as is the whole company due to the state of the economy) and worried for my job security. DH and I also suffer with infertility (my issue, not his) and we’ve had 2 failed rounds of IVF in the last year. I’ve gained a lot of weight and my confidence is rock bottom.

To top it all off we’ve had 3 holidays cancelled this year too, the most recent was for a weeks time. It was keeping me going.

Really struggling to see the point in each day.

Hey there OP. You sound so down. Fertility issues are one of the most stressful things that can happen. It seems to be especially hard on women. With you starting a new job as well as the current global situation, I’m not surprised you’re feeling rockbottom. Have you spoken to a doctor about this? A mild SSRI anti-depressant would probably help a lot more than alcohol and painkillers, and is much safer if you are TTC. Not that I’m judging you at all. I’d want a bloody drink too in your situation.

Unfortunately “having a lot to be grateful for” doesn’t ever help with depression. In fact, with me, it seems to make it worse, because I then add a dollop of guilt on top.

I know that you know that the alcohol will not help with depression, as it does act as a depressant. That is a difficult one to cut out though, because it also dulls the pain, but it is a good place to start, if you can.

Do you have any time to exercise, even just a lunchtime walk every day somewhere green?

And this sounds BONKERS but I have found a weighted blanket works brilliantly as a calming and soothing treatment

One of the problems with depression is that it knocks out your ability to practice some self care, which is one of the things that might help you get through it.

I am sorry you have all this to deal with, it sounds rubbish. Keep talking to us here

Thanks for your reply. No, I haven’t spoken to a doctor at all. I can cut down on the alcohol and the painkillers but I don’t want to start a new medication even though I accept your point. I can’t conceive naturally so currently deciding whether to get into a load more debt for another round of IVF or accept it’ll not happen for us. I just wish life would improve. I don’t seem to be able to enjoy anything. It constantly feels like there is a weight on my chest

Sorry to hear how you're feeling op.
Can you speak to a sympathetic GP? Do you like exercise? Can you get out and about for walks, cycling or whatever you're into?
Also no judgement from me but dabbling with meds and alcohol is very unsafe.
Could you go for a long wkend to nice hotel or airbnb in uk?
It's always good to get away and might be a nice break for you and DH. Is he supportive?

You say that you have had three holidays cancelled. Is there anything else you can do that will change up your daily routine/give you something to look forward to? You have some very important decision making to do, but maybe you should try not to worry about that for the moment and practise some self care. A change of scenery can work wonders sometimes.

Sorry that you’re feeling so awful. We are all with you

Well aware that the meds (it’s ‘just’ OTC cocodamol but I know that’s still not good) and alcohol aren’t a good mix. I’ve recognised I’m using substances to cope and I want to get out of that loop. Thank you for not judging. I’m not in a place I want to be in.

DH is supportive, but busy with his work. I think he is concerned about me. He doesn’t know about the pain meds. We are going to see if we can get away in September for a few nights U.K. break. Suspect we might make a decision about IVF then.

Decided I’m going to try and snap out of it and give the kitchen a good clean today. With DH and I both wfh (plus pets) it get filthy so much more quickly. Aside from a quick surface clean once a week it hasn’t had a deep clean in ages. It’ll help fill my time as work is so quiet. Keep thinking my phone must be broken as not getting any emails but it’s just quiet. At least cleaning might give me a sense of accomplishment.

Just seeing how your day went young

Thanks @NewAndImprovedNorks it went ok. I’ve sorted out a load of clothes I know will never fit me again as I’m now 3 sizes bigger. Depressing but my goal is 2 sizes smaller than now and I think that’ll take a while to achieve, so de clutter felt good. Also cleaned oven and kitchen floor.

Still feeling very low especially as it’s been a very quiet day work wise but I suppose I should see the upsides. DH and I will go for a walk tomorrow, I’ll look forward to that. I still feel like a need a drink tonight though, to close the working week and quiet my mind

Well done taking some positive action.
Cleaning the oven sounds like a cruel and unusual punishment though!

Haha, I know, but I dread to think when it had last been done. We paid someone to come and do it but I reckon that was last summer! 😳 there is something therapeutic about spraying the stuff on and then letting it do it’s thing, then scrubbing it! Sad I know.

How has your day been? Thanks for the support and conversation, it makes such a difference at a time I feel so alone.

Wandered off to watch MASH with DS2. It’s still funny. He is making me a cup of tea, bless him.
We have a lot of poor mental health in this family and we are all very used to talking about it and supporting each other and marching each other off to various therapists and drug-mongers. It does really help to have somebody to talk to and especially to have somebody to advocate for you.

I will keep checking in. Someone is listening

Another tough day today. Kept busy at the weekend but it’s work that makes me feel flat. Honestly just want to sleep through the days. My changes in mood worry me

Sweetheart, let’s try some GOOD DRUGS.
Have you spoken to your doctor about the depression? just wanting to sleep is a common symptom.
How are you managing with the booze and cocodamol? I have just been taking cocodamol for pain For a couple of days and it made me feel like I had been coshed! It’s strong stuff.

I have been looking after DS2 who’s art school have now said there is no studio time or anything fun or sociable next term, so he is feeling very sad. I am sad for him, but strangely it does help me to cope with my own brain if I am helping him.

Anyway, all that rambling is just to let you know I am still here and listening

Yeah I know what you mean about taking care of others helping you to feel better about yourself. Sadly we don’t have DC due to a long infertility battle but we do have pets!

I haven’t taken any cocodamol since last Friday, ran out and haven’t been back to the pharmacy. I haven’t missed it tbh. Booze - still definitely more than the recommended weekly units as I drink most nights but I rarely get drunk. And I’m not drinking during the day. I still use it to numb.

I haven’t spoken to my gp, no. I think I’ll clam up. And my GP not offering anything face to face. I can’t imagine trying to describe how I’m feeling over the phone.

Sorry you’re feeling this way.
Have you looked at your local NHS IAPT (talking therapy) service? You can contact them yourself, don’t need to go through your GP. They will teach you tools and techniques to manage your thoughts and mood and feel more positive.
Wishing you all the best.

Thanks for the advice @JemimaTiggywinkle

Is all of this over the phone do you know?

I feel like I need to speak with someone face to face to make sense of my feelings, but it seems the only option might be to pay for private therapy.

I think a lot of services are doing phone appointments or video appointments, but some are offering face to face appointments again - so might be worth talking to them and see what they can offer.

@Youngatheart00 just checking in to let you know I am still thinking about you

Thank you, that’s really kind. I’m still quite up and down. Have not bought any painkillers and have cut back on the booze. Want to see how I actually feel without numbing. Today, that feels flat.

Hi OP, I totally get it as been in semi similar situation re work.

What I will say from experience is that it is totally possible to transform how you feel in a couple of weeks. Meal plan some healthy meals. If that feels too much try Gousto. Buy alcohol alternatives e.g. cordial, soda water and lime etc. Don't expect change to happen immediately but give it a few weeks and (I promise) it will. Give yourself a massive splurdge of kindness.

Thank you @Msbouffet

I do want to try and change what is within my control before I visit the GP and see about medication. If I haven’t done what’s within my control I feel like a bit of a fraud. Problem is, self care can seem so hard when you feel so down. My self esteem is so low it’s hard to look after myself in the way I know I need to.

However, I’ve made a start by removing / reducing the bad stuff and I’ll try to start eating more nourishing meals. I’m also trying to lose weight so all of the above will help with that.

I hear some people be almost evangelical about how healthy living improves their mindset so here’s hoping.

I don't know if this is of any use to you, but since you are not going to the gp straight away, it might be worth a try?

Vitamin D and B for mood (B good for your liver, too).

Something CBT uses a lot is countering automatic negative thoughts. You can try this yourself. Try noticing ever time you think negatively, say to yourself, well yes it might get that bad, but I choose to think a posive though instead.

If you feel on edge or anxious try Bach's rescue remedy, works for some.

The best solution is off to gp to ask for therapy, best of luck .

Thanks @giantangryrooster I do take a good quality (rather expensive actually!) multi vitamin which contains B (various) and D.

My energy levels feel SO low though. It’s strange, it’s either that or I almost feel manic and non stop, although those ‘episodes’ feel few and far between now.

Now been told we are wfh at least until
January, but I can’t restrictions being lifted until Spring, I need to find a way to cope as this is semi permanent. Trying to see the good points like being able to exercise and read in between meetings.