I have never posted on here but am at a loss as to the right thing to do.
My husband has severe contamination OCD. He was diagnosed in his early twenties and had CBT for two years before I met him. Despite this, he has a successful career and luckily we are financially stable.
We moved 100 miles away from our friends and family 4 years ago for his job and don’t have any friends here (partly because of the OCD - we don’t really go out that much)
Our Life has always been a challenge. Things were difficult when we first moved up here as I felt very isolated and his OCD became all consuming due to his new job anxiety. Unfortunately, I felt the brunt of this pressure and got the blame for “setting his OCD off” all the time.
This behaviour lasted for a few years and by the end of it my self esteem was very low - I was so frightened of the conflict (not of him physically) that I was on edge as soon as he entered the room. I developed my own mental health issues and was diagnosed with Insomnia and Anxiety - having regular panic attacks. Through CBT, Mindfulness and Yoga I am now much stronger and confident.
After my diagnosis, he realised that OCD was making me unwell and slowly, with some adjustments on both sides, and a lot of sacrifices on my side - we managed to muddle through and lived a semi normal life. I worked, pretty much went out when I wanted to, did all the shopping etc and he learnt to manage OCD triggers better.
Fast forward a few years and after the birth of our daughter, things became difficult again. We both expected this so we just knuckled down and tried our best to get through the first few months.
Then lockdown happened - now there is a real contamination threat of Covid 19 his OCD has gone wild. He really does manage it most of the time but I would say it has been close to getting out of control on many occasions.
Since our daughter was born 8 months ago I have only been out of the house a handful of times, either for doctors appointments, baby check ups etc. This massively affected me and even though lockdown has been lifted we are essentially still shielding as any trips out make him so anxious the family suffers as a consequence. To be fair recently he has really tried to get us outdoors - we have been out to a nearby nature reserve twice in the last month which I am so thankful for as I know how difficult it is for him.
Because of the extra pressure we are arguing a lot and even though I try and keep our daughter away from the arguments she would sometimes hear them which broke my heart.
I have been worried about the effect these arguments were having on her and therefore made the decision to just apologise whenever he would start shouting at me for setting his OCD off to pacify him so it wouldn’t escalate into our argument in ear-shot of our daughter.
By doing this I feel our daughter is protected from the arguments which gets me through but since then his behaviour is getting worse - because I readily apologise maybe he feels justified now?
He works from home now which means I never get a break from the OCD which is a constant drain of my energy - this coupled with being a new mummy is stressful. I can’t even go for a walk to clear my head.
This morning, I didn’t notice there was a drop of blood in the bathroom where I had cut myself. I apologised and said It wasn’t my fault - I didn’t notice. I offered to clean. Our daughter witnessed him shouting at me- saying he had to have a shower now and he would miss his work meeting and it was all my fault. He then raised his fist at me in front of her 😟 second time he has done this in two weeks. I know he would ever hurt me but he has little control over his actions now (this is new) and I know this is the pressure of Covid 19. He acknowledges this but blames me because He says I never say sorry for setting his OCD off which I do - although I readily admit I do challenge him sometimes when my resilience is low.
I am now thinking I should be preparing to leave in the future: it is our daughter I am worried out. She is so sensitive and I don’t know if I could live with myself if she became damaged by all this and the OCD
If I go back to work part time after maternity I can support my daughter. I have some savings of my own to give us a bit of a start. I know I can then reconnect with my family, although they live far away they will help.
I have to decide by the end of Sept as to whether I go back to work or not so I haven’t got the luxury of time on my side.
Or do I stick it out and hope things get better? Any advice would be so helpful especially from any fellow OCD sufferers just so I can get a bit of perspective. He really isn’t a bad man. He had an affluent but unstable upbringing. His father is a very difficult man and from what I can gather was a bit of a bully when they were growing up leaving him with emotional scarring.
When he is not in the grip of OCD he is kind, generous and a good father and I do love him. For example, he wants me to be a SAHM so I have more time in the house away from the OCD long term when our daughter is at nursery/school which will give me a more normal life when he is back Working on site full time.
I am far from perfect myself so I am torn whether to stay and wait to see if things calm down after Covid or just bite the bullet and start to prepare seriously for leaving? I don’t want to leave but I love my daughter so much and I am genuinely worried that my husband has been completely swallowed up by this disorder. I have mentioned more therapy and he just gets angry/upset. Apparently last time he had to take time off work as it was so intense he nearly lost his job. Obviously we have a daughter and a mortgage now so this would be a huge problem.
Sorry for long post 🙁