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How to help daughter

6 replies

missminimum · 20/08/2020 13:30

Our daughter is a university student and been home since March due to lock down. I am looking for some supportive advice on how to help her please. We had never been aware she was experiencing anxiety, but it is likely she has been trying to manage it alone for the last couple of years when at uni. In June, she became overtly anxious and agitated, she was clearly scared. It turned out she was not wanting to sleep due to being scared something awful would happen. We cpntacted the local NHS helpline who talked to her and referred her for talking therapy, we arranged a telephone GP appointment, where she declined medication and slept on the floor of her bedroom, for nearly 2 weeks to ensure she felt safe. With better sleep she became less distressed, but was having intrusive thoughts . She did then opt for some medication as well as choosing private counselling we had found, instead of waiting for NHS sessions. However, a few days after all this commenced, she declined the counselling. She wanted to stop the medication, but agreed to taking half the dose until they run out ( the tablets are only a low dose to get her used to them). She is clearly still troubled, can laugh inappropriately at times and be angry. Initially when this happened she stopped using social media and left her phone and computer with us voluntarily at night. She now is glued to her phone again. She is refusing to talk to us or acknowledge there is a problem, but she is clearly unwell. At times she implies we know what the problem is but won't tell her, we haven't a clue what she is referring to. We are at a loss to help, she won't access professional help or use any self help measures recommended. We are concerned how she will manage when she goes back to uni. Sorry for the long post, but if anyone has experience of this and advice of how to help, I would be grateful

OP posts:
Lovely1a2b3c · 20/08/2020 14:08

Hi OP,

That sounds really difficult.

Have you asked her what she fears will happen at night? or about the content of her intrusive thoughts? Intrusive thoughts and anxiety can be part of OCD without compulsions (sometimes referred to as 'Pure-O') and a sense of dread, accompanied with intrusive thoughts is very common in OCD but both are a part of other MH conditions too.

Have you asked her whether she hears voices? or whether anything else is troubling her? Did the GP rule out any psychotic conditions? I wonder about this only because you say that she thinks you know more about her MH condition and are keeping it from her and because you say she laughs inappropriately at times. Hopefully her counsellor or GP would have picked up on any symptoms like this though so this is less likely.

You could discuss the possibility of your DD taking a leave of absence for a year until things are a bit more stable. It might also be a good idea to arrange a few private sessions with a Psychologist/Psychiatrist if your daughter agrees but obviously as an adult she unfortunately gets to make her own choices about whether to stick with treatment.

missminimum · 20/08/2020 14:45

Thank you Lovely, for your advice. The GP did not mention any concerns of psychosis and felt she had capacity. She is now not engaging with any professionals and unwilling to talk to any one. This is what worries me most, previously at least she was open to help, but not open to support now. As you say she is an adult, so we can only advise her and currently not willing to listen to us

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Workinprogress30 · 20/08/2020 20:29

This is difficult, I have been where your daughter is to some degree. I can tell you what (would have) helped for me. Much like anything else, she needs to want to get better in order to get support. It has to come from her. Take any pressure off for a while as this may be making her withdraw. She may be fearful of facing it as it can be quite daunting. As long as she knows she can come to you to talk when she is ready, and you will be there to support her. You sound like a very caring mother.
Mind is a brilliant resource which I’m sure you have looked at. They have chat rooms if she is more comfortable speaking to people online.
I think social media is very damaging and is a difficult habit to break. Sounds like not having the distraction of uni isn’t helping at the moment. People with anxiety often try to deal with it by keeping busy so lockdown has been very detrimental for some. Her uni will offer mental health support (usually counselling too) so I would look into this so it’s to hand if and when she needs it.

missminimum · 20/08/2020 21:36

Workinginprogress, thank you that is really helpful and what you say makes a lot of sense, especially feeling fearful of facing thie problem. As soon as she had the option to confide in a counsellor for talking therapies, she rejected all help. It is very difficult when she is rejecting our attempts to support her. I think not having the distraction of uni has brought things to the surface, she usually likes to keep busy with seeing friends or holiday job
She has not found a close friend at uni, but this does not stop her from joining in things. I have sent her links to Student Minds website and link to university counselling
page, but just hope she will act on it. Social media has played a big part in her fears and initially she recognised it was not helping, but now she is just cross and not open to any form of discussin. Thank you for your advice.

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Beckyk12 · 26/08/2020 11:16

Hi sorry to hear yous are all going through this difficult time, I suffered with anxiety and intrusive thoughts too, your daughter is most likely scared too about how she is feeling and this can impact on how she deals with it also, I had lots of meltdowns when I was scheduled to go for counselling as it was just the apprehension of talking to people about it, now I channel my anxiety into crafts and hobbies and that helps to keep my mind occupied, I can also recommend a really good book that would be useful for you all to read to give some insight into someone who suffered from anxiety and ocd, in my opinion it was one of the Best books I have listened too, please let your daughter know she is certainly not alone in feeling this way, When I realised I wasn’t the only person who felt like that it really helped my recovery. Your daughter just has to find the coping mechanisms that help her through the times when she is experiencing these low moods, for me arts and crafts is my way of using up some of my nervous energy.
Take care ❤️

www.audible.co.uk/pd/OCD-Anxiety-Panic-Attacks-and-Related-Depression-Audiobook/B07FWC64YY?qid=1598436087&sr=1-1&ref=a_search_c3_lProduct_1_1&pf_rd_p=c6e316b8-14da-418d-8f91-b3cad83c5183&pf_rd_r=CG17M5T700PD9C671MT7

missminimum · 26/08/2020 13:21

Thank you Becky I will look into the ook, that is really helpful. The issue we are having at the moment is her denial that there is anything wrong. Initially she was wanting help and open to talking to us. She has now stopped medication, cancelled counselling and is very moody with us. If we try to talk about it she gets cross and says she is fine
She did initially find painting and colouring helped but now won't do anything but watch stuff on her phone. We want to help but it is hard when she no longer acknowledges there is an issue

Thanks for taking the time to reply

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