I get so jealous of other people and feel bad about my own life

[peterpie]

On paper I have nothing to complain about, good husband, nice house, financial security and a wonderful DS who is keeping me going at the moment. I just feel so jealous of other people, the way they look, their personality, their interesting lives but I have no intention of improving my own, of doing something positive or constructive I mean.

Maybe I am depressed, I have taken Prozac and Seroxate in the past and have seen counsellors on and off since I was 16, oh why can´t I just pull myself together and be happy with my lot?

I am so unhappy about myself and so tired of having negative, self-destructive thoughts all the time.

Sorry to go on I know there´s nothing anyone can do but just wanted to get it off my chest. I bet I sound really pathetic.

You sound quite similar to me! I think a lot of my dis-satisfaction lies in the fact that I hadn't worked out what to do with my life when I had kids, so I don't have a decent career to go back to, or talk about! Were you happy before having kids?

I don't think you sound pathetic - just painfully honest. It is interesting that you recognise your feelings and seem to disown them intellectually. Are these feelings of jealousy the same now as they were when you were 16?

Of course, you never know what's round the corner for people who seem to have it all. Or what secret pain they are hiding. But you already appreciate that jealousy is negative and self-destructive.

Do you think you have gained anything from seeing the counsellors, or has it been a waste of time?

Does any one (apart from counsellors) in RL know how you feel?

No, peterpie, you dont sound really pathetic. You sound normal actually, there is'nt one person i know, myself included, who does'nt covet what others have, or think at some time or another that the grass is greener.

I seriously bet you'd laugh if you knew how many people wish they had what you have. For example, i'm much of the same mindset as yourself, recently i've got back in contact with old school-uni friends, felt grotty looking at there high flying careers, toned unchildbirthed bodies and active social lives. I have had so many contact me, 'oh,you look amazing', 'i'm still living at home with my parents', 'i always feel like an old saddo on the pull', etc.

dont have a magic cure,(or i'd have taken it by now)! but i do know how tiring it can be to be your own worst enemy. x

Thanks for replying foofi. No I wasn´t happy before having my LO, I haven´t been happy for years if I´m honest...
I thought all this would change once I had a baby but it has reared its ugly head again.
I want to be an interesting, positive and happy person but I just can´t and knowing that makes me feel even worse

Elasticwoman - I would be ashamed to let anyone know how I really feel so keep on with a false front which only adds to my misery. I feel so false like if only they knew my "real" thoughts and feelings...
I didn´t find counsellors to be that helpful, not really so would not be keen to go back
Yes 1crazymumof2 I AM my own worst enemy and it can be torture at times

It's going to sound a bit daft, but I know someone who would say you are not happy because you have not found something that makes your heart sing! There's definitely something in it. Do you get any time away from DS?

I can relate to what you say foofi, it doesn´t sound daft at all but I thought having my DS would make me do just that...
I don´t get much time away from him, no family or friends around at the mo

It must be tiring keeping that brave face on! Esp if also in front of dh.

You are the only mother your baby is ever going to have. Doesn't that make you feel special? Your dh probably needs you almost as much; do you feel that?

Elasticwoman that was a lovely thing to say and has brought tears to my eyes, in a good way I think...

Yes my DH does need me but I am too wrapped up in all these thoughts at the mo to give him much condisideration

Peterpie, were your parents tough on you, did they have very high almost unattainable expectations, or is it you? do you feel everyone views you as having the perfect life, which is why you can't share with anyone in real life?

With me it was my family, but thats a different thread. Unfortunatly, i believe that depression is something you live with rather than cure. I agree that its good that you can objectify and see that your feelings are destructive rather than become a slave to them.

Peter, to your Ds you are the only mummy he has, he loves you more than anything, to him you are perfect. Allow yourself to feel that and maybe if we can love ourselves half as much as our dc's we will be doing well.

Yes Crazymum I think its more a case of others viewing me as having the perfect life and that´s why I can´t or even daren´t contradict that. A case of what´s SHE got to complain about?
But also I was brought up to put on a brave face NO MATTER WHAT, not to talk to anyone about my problems as that´s a sign of weakness or even a betrayal, definitely something bad and shouldn´t be done. That has stayed with me.
Thanks Crazymum - I shall keep what you said with me and say it over and over...

[[bighugs]]]]

Maybe we should start a mutual appreaciation society, so when we are beating ourselves up, the other gives us a big fat slap on the back!!

Or a slap on the face depending on how we're feeling, it could be quite cathartic.

Hi! What sould happines be to you after all? Did you a try to make a list? Of the good things in your life, the ones you mean the most to you? And be grateful!! There are so many people with so many trobles... Enjoy what you have and try to find out what you shoud like to achieve in order to get better...

crazymum - definitely!

Chickenmother, thats the most destructive thing about depression, theres no rhyme nor reason. Like the op said, you could have the perfect 'idealistic' life and yet you still are'nt happy or fulfilled. The very fact that 'there are other bigger problems in the world', just led me to beat myself up more, i isolated myself as i darent share that i was'nt happy with my lot, the response from RL friends was inevitably, 'but what have you got to be depressed about?'. I don't know but i sure as hell was, trying to bottle it up just makes it worse. I had to accept that as stupid as it sounded to everyone else i was depressed, i admitted it for my dc's and got help, and i guess i'm proud of myself.

Hi chikenmother, yours is a difficult question for me to answer...I would be happy if I could stop feeling the way I do but am so caught up in a pit of negative thoughts I find so hard to drag myself out of.
I find it far too easy to concentrate on the bad and not the good on what I don´t have rather than what I do and I don´t really mean in a material sense. A lot of it is caught up in my own personality and self.
Yes I know there are so many people with troubles etc but I FEEL troubled, demons in my mind I think. I WANT to be grateful but -yes there´s always a but that´s just it... I AM my own worst enemy

hi peterpie and foofi and others, I certainly used to feel like you and often do still. In particular, I have a wonderful neighbour who is really friendly and lovely and has kids a similar age to mine, but when I think about all the things she's achieved in her life I tend to compare myself to her and feel that I've gone nowhere. I know I am prone to depression and I know I tend to have harsh standards when I'm judging my life or my work. I can't say I've completely cracked it but I have found a few things that really helped

(1) going to a psychologist trained in CBT. As opposed to many kinds of counselling and psychotherapy, this really focusses on developing strategies when these negative thoughts come along (they are called 'negative automatic thoughts') and actively doing stuff to improve your situation. There's comprehensive information about CBT here on the Mind website, a good CBT workbook and you can look for a psychologist here on the BABCP website.

(2) doing something for myself, particularly exercise and social activities. Exercise really does have a positive effect on your mood as well as all the wonderful things like improving your body's cardiovascular fitness, and raising your resistance to infection.

(3) on a similar level, although they said it wasn't aimed at mums with depression, the netmums 'Making mums happy' scheme has some great ideas for little things that can have a big effect;

(4) I've just found this book which is all about people who find it hard to have just one interest, or stick to a job for long once they've mastered the immediate challenges. I read this book and felt it really described me well. Then it helps you to identify several 'focus points' in your life and work on them so you get satisfaction from them. It's really spurred me on, to the extent that when another mum from school told me she was opening a cafe nearby I felt positive rather than jealous about it. And I have my own plans which are really moving now.

I hope some of this helps and I hope it doesn't seem to prescriptive or flippant. I really do understand how you are feeling, I've been there so many times before but I do think I'm going somewhere now so perhaps what's helped me will help someone else too.

I get depressed at times. A lot of it is to do with my health. I also seem to get irrationally jealous of my brother, because I feel when I go home other people are always comparing us. same with SIL - all I ever hear from Step MIL is how great SIL is at everything she does. Maybe it's just because I feel crap at the monet, but I can relate to a lot of what you say

Thanks mummypig for taking the time to post all those suggestions...I am particularly interested in the CBT stuff so will look into that...
Lots of hugs to you saltire - it does help to know I´m not the only one who feels like this, that somebody else understands the up hill struggle, the "battle" as I call it.
Thanks again to everyone

Hi Peterpie. I used to feel bad about myself and life for years and years...then I discovered how to change my mindset. It's interesting that you said you are tired of having negative, self-destructive thoughts all of the time. There lies the answer! Having these negative thoughts (which I know you can't help doing) going round your head make your subconscious really believe you. A lot of your negative thinking is done without you realising it too, which makes you feel horrible without knowing why.

Once I realised this, I wrote a list of postivie sayings, such as "I am a loving mum" and "I am having a good day today" and "I I enjoy my life so much I get excited every day I wake up" etc.

Now, these thoughts were completely alien to what I believed about myself. But I said these sayings (and more) every day loads of times a day (out loud if possible!) then I started to feel what I was saying to myself.

Dont knock it before you try it - it works!

Not wishing to minimise how you feel, I felt terrible for a long time, but once I started to tell myself good things, I felt much better. And I have never felt bad again, even though my life is sometimes very hard.

Hope this helps

i agree with the last comment on positive thinking and being generally tired of feeling bad about urself/a situation. i was seriously depressed at the age of 15 about some serious family issues and even attempted suicide at 16. i tried anti-depressants and numerous councillors/psychiatric nurses and the fog lifted for me when i woke up one day and felt utterly sick of facing the day and already writing it off, i didnt go as far as the positive statements to myself (although i do think that would help) but i did think to myself 'ill just give today a chance and look at the small things that make me happy' and if u start to look for the simple things in life that u enjoy suddenly everything else seems a bit better.

i give this advice feeling slightly hypocritical because i feel just like u at times, the worst part is feeling ungrateful for what u have, particularly when faced with those ppl who long for children and cannot have them. but i think the secret is learning a strategy to cope with depression in what ever way it presents itself, to acknowledge that it will happen even when u feel there is no just cause and learn a way to cope with it.

good luck x

Mummypig, thanks for the links. Lots to read and think about today!

that's okay. I think my messages tend to be overlong because I want everyone to know what it took me a while to find out! But if only a little bit helps you to manage better then it is worth it.