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MH or just a liar?

18 replies

Tarquinthecat · 16/08/2020 22:45

Never had anything like this happen before and want to get some opinions to help me understand.

I built up a close friendship with another woman in shared accommodation. She's 42. Seemed absolutely normal, friendly, kind, lighthearted, laughed a lot.

One day I came home to find her sobbing at the dining table. Dropped everything and comforted her as she dabbed at her eyes with a tissue and in between sobs told me what had happened.

She's just received a phone call: her 10 year old goddaughter had been killed by a hit and run driver. The police were looking for the culprit. She was shocked and devastated.

Over the next few days she talked to me about this tragedy every time I saw her, reminiscing about the goddaughter, talking about the girl's likes and hobbies, and explaining how difficult the funeral would be during lockdown. One day she was sobbing again: they'd caught the drunk driver and it was someone she was at school with. Next day she was crying again: the man had killed himself.

Naturally every day when I saw her I dropped what I was doing and gave her as much sympathy and comfort as I possibly could, sitting and listening to her get all her memories and misery and shock off her chest. The incident upset me greatly and I even found myself lying in bed unable to sleep once or twice because I felt so sad about the poor child and the bereaved mother.

Over the next month she updated me daily on the details of the funeral arrangements (happening by Zoom), she talked about having to compose a eulogy to read out. She later gave me detailed descriptions of the coffin, the funeral, etc. Then she said the bereaved (single) mum wasn't coping alone and so she was going to travel there and stay with her for a week. She asked my advice on how to travel to the place and we discussed at length the routes, the need for a mask on a train etc. I gave her a lot of time, attention and advice.

I then found out that she'd made it all up. No dead girl, no drunken driver. Well, there was, but it happened to someone else years ago. Immediately she found out that I knew she'd told a very long and detailed lie, she packed her bags and left the house.

I'll probably never see her again, BUT I can't stop thinking about the whole incident: the story, her tears, her distress, seem to haunt me. It's like I need some sort of "closure" or explanation why she put me through an emotional wringer for more than a month, and I can't get it from her because she's gone.

What's bothering me most is trying to decide whether she has mental health issues, or is she just a liar, out to garner attention and sympathy. She wasn't trying to get any money out of me or anything like that, just my time and attention and sympathy.

I'd appreciate any insights.

OP posts:
Nattsalie · 17/08/2020 02:06

Years ago I worked with someone who I became very close to - we'd socialise together and I considered her my best friend. We worked together for 3 years and during this time a story emerged about her brother who had cancer - all the treatment etc; and he fell in love with his nurse; then he died; the funeral including the outfit her Mum wore. I'd often cry with her - it was so tragic.

And there were other things like when she was late for work it was because she'd crashed into a police car, but she told the police officers about her brother so they told her not to worry about it.
Everyone at work knew all about this and felt really sorry for her. We send cards.

Later found out she'd made it all up and I believe she later spent some time in a psychiatric hospital.

I guess, like your 'friend', she enjoyed the attention and sympathy. It left me feeling odd for a while. Like me, you tried to be a good friend. Many, many years later I can laugh about it

Aridane · 17/08/2020 05:02

What's bothering me most is trying to decide whether she has mental health issues, or is she just a liar, out to garner attention and sympathy.

It could be both

Aridane · 17/08/2020 05:03

I would err on the side of mental illness

Hmmph · 17/08/2020 08:00

The need for attention and sympathy IS a mental health issue. Nobody mentally healthy would do this. Be sad for her.

Tarquinthecat · 17/08/2020 10:27

Thank you everyone for replying.

Nattsalie, your comment "the funeral including the outfit her Mum wore" reminds me, my friend also went into detail about the clothes the child was dressed in in her coffin, what the mourners wore, etc.

This incident would make sense to me if she used the story to extract money from me (for a wreath, train fare etc) as I have been scammed for cash before. I just can't get my head round a person telling such an elaborate lie just to get attention - esp as I was giving her loads of my time and attention anyway, just because I liked her.

As she's gone there isn't anything I can do to help her. Like Nattsalie, I am left feeling "odd".

OP posts:
CleanandJerk · 17/08/2020 10:39

Unbelievably I had a boss like this. CEO of an organisation, lots of responsibility. Whenever a deadline approached, or a decision was required, or she just fancied some time off, or the office was under stress or busy, or she wanted some sympathy because of the above, she would come up with an outrageous lie (usually a death in appalling/tragic circumstances; although on one occasion it was a bizarre poison pen letter). These "deaths" would be incredibly convoluted.
It was totally bizarre.

Tarquinthecat · 19/08/2020 10:58

Another question that keeps popping up in my mind is, where exactly is the dividing line between lying about something (which most of us do sometimes) and mental illness?

OP posts:
Perfectstorm12 · 19/08/2020 11:23

I believe the line is narrow and we are the only ones completely privy to the capacity to know where we stand on it. I wouldn't invest too much energy in whether it is mental illness or lying, that's her business, not yours. But I can see why you are struggling to understand her motivation...wow.

Perfectstorm12 · 19/08/2020 11:25

And also, you sound lovely and caring but perhaps you need to consider that whatever attention you offered was possibly never going to be enough in her mind so she needed to keep elevating her attention seeking demands. I know people like this, it is confusing and draining.

Seeleyboo · 19/08/2020 17:33

Years ago my ex DH told a similar story. Apparently was to try to win me back with sympathy. His girlfriend died in a horrific car crash days before xmas. He then lost her children back to their father and as he was living in her house he lost his home and possessions. He had to identify the body ........ in great detail.......nothing in the local press and when he said he was at the graveside crying one night I knew it was a lie because he had originally said she was cremated. He continued on with his journey of lies and he is still in that crazy place but I don't belive he has MHI.

Homebodiva · 20/08/2020 10:53

I think it's a mental health condition, is it pathological lying? Mental health with sociopathic traits. No concern for the consequence. I think that's hard as it leaves you questioning your trust. Ultimately it is sad for her as she has run away. In the scheme of things you could probably forgive it eventually but I doubt you could trust her again.

CleanandJerk · 20/08/2020 13:08

Definitely with my boss there was sociopathic tendencies. These stories of sudden, tragic death were also extremely convoluted and she was always at the centre of it....

Tarquinthecat · 20/08/2020 19:31

Thank you all for the additional repies.

Seeleyboo "nothing in the local press" reminds me, I also searched for the story online and after I found nothing I mentioned this to her, and she replied that the bereaved mother had "refused to allow the story to be published". That was when I smelled a rat: she would not have had that power. Any reporter can attend the coroner's court. Nor could the mother have banned the press from covering the suicide.

I still gave her the benefit of the doubt, thinking the story would appear in due course.

OP posts:
Holdingtherope · 20/08/2020 19:35

She sounds unwell, mentally well people don't do that.

How did it unravel?

emotionalbutterfly · 20/08/2020 21:08

There is a mental health condition called munchausen syndrome. Sounds like that?

emotionalbutterfly · 20/08/2020 21:10

Oh wait on reading again maybe not - sorry!

Homebodiva · 20/08/2020 22:39

Don't blame yourself, we are hardwired to see the good in people. Unfortunately she is misguided and possibly deluded.

SheepandCow · 20/08/2020 22:42

I'm confused. Why is her age relevant?

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