My 2 year old comforted me today

[Workinprogress30]

Feel so useless that my own child has to comfort me.
Hit a real low patch this weekend after been a bit better the past couple of weeks. Today I was sat at the table with her having dinner and I just started crying. I couldn’t hold it back. Bless her heart, she asked if I was sad, gave me a cuddle and said ‘it will be fine, do you want my teddy?’.
Of course that made me cry even more.
I don’t want her to see me like this anymore
Just had to share as have since been in bed all day, my dp has all but given up with me I think. Feeling very alone and a failure of a mum

Oh op I couldn't just read and run. You obviously care a great deal for your child. Are you getting any help with your mental health? If not, can I gently suggest booking a conversation with your doctor?

Also how wonderful that you've brought your two year old up to be so kind and caring. Well done, you should be proud.

Yes I’m on waiting lists for counselling but have been a bit messed about/unlucky with it. I phoned a counsellor yesterday and booked a session as going to go private now. I desperately need the help. I just keep looking at her and feeling so guilty about this wasted time that we could be enjoying together. Instead she has to see me like this.
Why can’t I just be happy

I opened this thread because your 2yo sounds so kind and loving and obviously really cares about you.
I understand how you feel, if I'm having a bad day ds (6) sits down at the table and writes me a note, something along the lines of 'I know it's hard but it will get better/ take a break if you need to' and it's always makes me feel guilty that I feel this way and he has noticed.
Are you getting help for your MH?

Sorry cross posted with you, I did the same and paid privately for counselling, it really opened my eyes and helped me to see things in a different light. As a fast solution my doctor suggested medication while I was waiting for the therapy, that really lifted the dark cloud pulling me down every minute of every day. I stayed on the meds for 4 months only and they really got my life back for me.

@Lazysundayafternoons that’s so lovely.
It amazes me how they pick things up, I am amazed by her every day. But like you said it also makes me feel guilty.
I am trying to get help, yes. My family are pretty useless, I have good friends but they don’t know the full extent of it as I feel too shamed. And my dp has been amazing but this is wearing thin now I am trying but maybe not hard enough

I am taking Mirtazapine, in my 7th week. I thought it was helping until yesterday. We went away for a week and I felt so much better. Then I just slumped when I got home. I am due back at work next week and am worrying I not ready now, but it’s not helping being off

Such a beautiful sad happy moment in your life. What a good mother you must be to have made such a kind one. So many people reading will understand.

What a good job you're doing - you're raising a kind, empathetic wee on and that's something to be so proud of.

What a wonderful little girl!! Clearly not such a failure as a mum eh?
Managing depression is a work in progress, tomorrow is a new day. Get equipped with as many techniques to cope as you can and practice using them.

OP, your daughter sounds like a wonderful person, so kind and considerate. This is down to the fact that you must be a very kind and caring mother, she is following your model.

I am so sorry that you are feeling so low, but please know that there is nothing wrong with letting your child see that you sometimes feel sad/lonely/low from time to time. You are showing her that sometimes everybody feels sad and that it's not something to be ashamed of or to hide. This is what a psychologist told me when I was being treated for PTSD and was concerned that I had cried in front of my DS. In fact, today I cried a little in front of him because I felt sad and he gave me a big hug.

I really hope you are getting the help you need to feel better.

Thanks for your kind messages, I will try to remember that @shreddednips. Your boy sounds so lovely too.
You know those days when you just really need a hug. Just fought back tears whilst putting her to bed, got her off to sleep and cane downstairs to find dp has gone to a field to hit some golf balls. Left his phone, not a word said. It’s so awful feeling this alone I wouldn’t wish it on anybody. So appreciating all your messages, thank you

Have a bath and relax.

Your kind & loving child is actually proof that you are a good mum.

Op it sounds like a lot of your issues might be around your dp leaving you unsupported? Parenting alone can be incredibly isolating. Do you have any other family or perhaps a friend you can talk to for support? It may seem uncomfortable or difficult at first, but talking to someone who cares will help. If not, maybe writing a journal would help? It would give you a chance to sort through your feelings a bit and might be cathartic.

I starting a journal last night, do went to bed and I just cried for hours. It does feel very lonely but I don’t want to share it fully with friends and family as don’t want them to worry. I am hoping counsellor will get back to me tomorrow

dp*

How are you a failure? Your little girl is kind and caring and clearly quite emotionally intelligent. You raised her that way. The way I see it, you're doing a damn good job.

Thank you I didn’t look at it that way. I just felt like she was looking after me rather than the other way round and I feel so weak

If this counsellor doesn't respond, call another. I had to call 4 before one responded. He wasn't my first choice but apparently these things happen for a reason because I couldn't ask for more in terms of warmth and support. Having someone to talk to will make a huge difference to how you cope. You might have to meet with a couple before you find one you click with.

Oh OP, I agree with previous posters - you should be proud of what a great job you are doing raising such a kind and sensitive child.

My sister is struggling with her mental health at the moment and talking to her this weekend I realised she compares her life and how she's feeling with some mythical idea of who she 'should' be and what she 'should' be doing. I think this isn't helpful. There is no perfect and we all struggle with different aspects of our lives. You are clearly a great mum, but life has struggles. Seek help, for sure, but don't blame yourself for not matching some idea in your head of how things should be. Life rarely works out that way.

Yes I’ve seen 3 so far so hoping this is the one for me. She’s really local too and it would be nice to see someone face to face if they are allowing it now. Fingers crossed.
Thank you @SexyGiraffe I can definitely relate to that. I put immense pressure on myself and have desperately low self esteem. Trying to see the positive that I know what things I need to work on. It’s just a long and scary road that I wish I had confronted before I had my dd. But she had been my lifeline on so many occasions

Has*

I know where you are coming from. I recommend a book called 'The Lost Connections' by Johann Hari. Its ok to feel like this, but it is a signal that you maybe need to make changes in your life. Wishing you all the best x