I have never suffered from depression before in my life but I believe from reading I have done, that I have some form of complex PTSD from my childhood which was abusive. I had four children in 3 years (twins), my husband left me and I got 100% custody of DC, and my mental health has rapidly gone downhill since.
I was put on 75mg Sertraline a year ago which I have been taking regularly. At first it seemed to even me out. I work full time in a very demanding and stressful job which is going through restructuring due to covid so I have a lot of future uncertainty at the moment, especially as I have full financial responsibility for the DC.
I think I was very vulnerable and entered into a relationship with another man who told me that I was not good enough to be his girlfriend but should be his slave. It became a very shame-based relationship where I felt addicted to him and his terrible treatment of me but I would always go back for more and do very degrading things to keep him happy.
That and work stress has made me exist in two states: One where I feel very hyped up and full of adrenalin - I work all night and all day without feeling tired. Last week I behaved completely out of character. I worked 48hours without sleep, I spent £2000 I didn't have on clothes, and I got three piercings in my nipple, nose and ear (tragus), at the same time. I also had sex I would never have with the man I mentioned above and a stranger. It was all quite risky. Looking at it now I feel deeply ashamed of my behaviour over last week and I can't bear to tell anyone apart from strangers over the internet.
The other state I go into is just staring into space, feeling nothing, people try to contact me and I don't respond and I can't see them. I go through the motions to look after the DC but can't do anything else. I do not even see or respond to the man I have been seeing in this time as I feel completely joyless. I do have friends but I am not interested in seeing them. Other people talk at me but I don't hear them. I feel completely divorced from reality.
I have described this previous state to my psychiatrist who just says it's a form of depression and I need to carry on taking the sertraline and do some self care. I am not sure that is correct as I have never felt more out of control and I wake up every morning wondering what I am going to do next.