No idea what to do

[AnonEsk223]

Hi!
I'm a 23 year old female and I was diagnosed with social anxiety and depression when I was 18. Since then I've been on and off medication, in and out of counselling/talking therapies but nothing has really helped.
(Sorry for the upcoming word soup, not sure how best to describe)

For the last few weeks I've been feeling really off, almost sort of spaced out and dissociated from everything. For example ive recently rented a beautiful flat by the seaside and have a lot of amazing people around me, and I know that, but I just almost feel dazed out from that and just feel sad and in a bubble. I worry and overthink about every single little thing and obsess over things SO MUCH and am so unable to get them out of my head, so much so that I can't do anything. I've also been very erratic and up and down, so one minute my head will be in the clouds and the next I'll be in bed sobbing.

Also, my self esteem is really poor. My rational side of my brain knows I've got a lot going for me, but I just hate myself and make myself cringe. For example I can't even sing to myself in the shower, because my brain goes "ew, that's cringe, you can't sing, just stop" so I don't do it, my mind is on overdrive all the time. It stops me acting intimate as well as I make myself cringe.

I also have this weird thing where I obsessively "type" words out onto a keyboard in my head constantly? And if there's not an even amount of letters on each hand it bugs me??? Sorry that's so hard to explain lol

I'm not really sure why I'm posting but I feel like I'm being fobbed off my doctors just getting talking therapies. I feel like I'm really escalating and it's more than just anxiety, am I being dramatic??

Thanks if you read all the way through xx

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. It's really hard that you weren't able to enjoy your time away.

It sounds like you're prone to overthinking and rumination. If that's the case 'talking therapies' might not be helpful, if there's a strong focus on introspection and analysing yourself.

Maybe you need to ask for someone who can teach you skills and coping strategies, like grounding techniques, to use when you're feeling anxious and spaced out. Are you having CBT? It's not helpful for everyone but it's a good place to start. You can also ask for psychological therapies, there are lots of different types. I found the ones focused on self acceptance most helpful.

There are lots of different types of therapy available on the NHS, although the waiting lists are long, so definitely speak up of what t you're getting isn't working.

In the meantime, have you tried mindfulness? There's lots of apps eg headspace. Make sure you're getting enough sleep too and eating properly.

Hope you feel better soon

Thanks so much, what a lovely comment
I've never had CBT before but think it's worth a try, I just always get referred to counselling rather than anything psychological/therapy based and I think I'm too awkward to ask for it haha! I definitely think I need some strategies and coping skills!

That app sounds great I'll definitely check it out. Thanks so much for your help xxx

No problem, glad it was helpful.

I'm the same as you, its hard to speak up if something isn't working. It's important that you do though, you're the expert on you.

Hope you get somewhere soon!

Thank you 🤍
I have tried to look up/self refer myself for some sort of psychotherapy but I couldn't find much and I just feel lost ☹️
I literally have no idea where to turn or if the behaviours I explained are more than just anxiety ☹️

Try ‘The mindful path to self-compassion’ by Christopher Germer. It might help with the self esteem bit and perhaps stop you overthinking so much.

I wouldn't want to try and diagnose someone over the internet, but I've got OCD and I related to a lot of what you said. It might be worth having a read around and seeing what you think, the asking the GP to refer you for an assessment.

Some of the things you describe sounded like they could be mental rituals, and having desperately low self esteem is very common in OCD.

It's just an idea, but I mention it because most people are diagnosed with OCD because they recognise it themselves. It's quite a difficult thing for medical professionals to spot. It's a miserable illness and if you do have it the right treatment is crucial.

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/about-ocd/